Join Date: Feb 2010
| | Stillinlove asking for BPD-Smart Bloggers' Adviice!!
Hi, new to this site and would request for Borderline-savvy writers to please consider responding, of course Borderline Personalities ("BP"s) as well.
Big troubles in 1 1/-yr r-ship w BP that ended ~2 1/2 yrs ago. He, younger than I, was very in love in the beginning . . . I became a monster over time toward him; I have insecurities and come from parents who had some dv when I grew up. Father drank and when brooding over his suspicions UTI, he projected those onto my mom who was totally faithful. Having stressors and fears and falling into deepening depression over time with some mild bipolar going on as well, I was ill-equipped to handle all of this having just moved in with my Borderline boyfriend, and I made awful mistakes, was pretty good about apologizing, but when the circumstances weren’t getting much better and got worse instead, I wasn’t then able to get out of the cycle.
I slapped my ex-bf's face on 3-4 occasions. Was wrong to do this; in the heat of these many arguments and when feeling hurt and angry from what was said and or done by him--even though technically I began all arguments by questions, or suspicions or accusations,--or a combo; he would become hurt and angry; he was one to escalate and I was taking him so seriously even though what he was saying was likely in anger; I felt devalued, dismissed, and almost like he was being flippant when he had been saying how much he loved me, that he had waited all his life for me, and so on.
I was always fearing losing him. Interestingly I found a tape recently of one of our arguments and of one of our talks after arguing. I knew I was depressed in retrospect and from recall, but I can really hear it on this tape. Listening to it for the first time in over two years since our breakup, I sound so pathetic to myself.I would like to say I was depressed, and under great stressors (lost apt, lost job, struggles for employment several years, brother with dysfunction put me out at a delicate time at my new p-t job). My new Borderline (I knew nothing about BPD then) boyfriend said to live with him and since I felt there was nothing else for me to do [didn't know about shelters at the time], I moved in with him . . . another stressor for me was that I was dependent on him out of need, and I worried how he viewed and would come to view this, also worried how long it would last.
Would he want someone younger? Would he still love me if it took forever to get a job? Was he losing feelings for me? Did he find other girls more attractive and was he comparing them with me (me being very down on myself for not enough work). On and On. I became expectant that he would reassure me because he always did, and as I grew more suspicious and depressed over time, my behaviors worsened from asking, to suspecting, to not believing his answers, to accusing . I can listen objectively today and I am totally put off by how I talked to him on part of that recording.
It was beyond defensive and I was a very poor listener -- I had an agenda so didn't accept most of what he said in response to whatever I was saying, and I know this was true a lot of when we were together. I didn't believe he loved me as much as he said, didn't feel secure, but I was so emotionally attached at the same time, wanting to marry him.
The past year I have worked to keep lines of communication open, hoping he and I would get to a point to be able to start over. Fully taking ownership for my bad behaviors, I have explained to him why I reacted that way, going way back to childhood; I’ve explained my fears to him (these were in long emails and emailed attachments). I have sincerely offered many apologies, none of which to this day has been accepted; he says he has not forgiven me.
He blames me for everything . . . and when I carefully introduce things he ought to be taking ownership of and he does, he never expounds on it except to justify it being in response to what I said and/or did. It doesn’t appear to be a deep look at his behaviors. He does seem either self-righteous or not realizing how many of his extreme behaviors back then have affected me. I have only learned about BPD -- quite a lot -- about BPD this past month; didn't have this great info when living with BP bf.
OK, I could go on and on; it's easy for me to detail and write proliferously. However, if we are all familiar with the BPD symptoms in relationships, let me cut it down to that he broke it off, he lost faith in me and obviously he's in the hate mindset; has even used the words several times in the past nearly a year.
But I still love him. I always did. I just didn't show it enough, being defensive about my many one-down circumstances, and finding him quite accommodating in the beginning to reassuring me. I was very wrong to come to expect it and to talk with him as though he owed it to me, which is kind of how I sound on that recording I became controlling and manipulative and I am embarrassed and ashamed for how I became. This might be learned bad behavior.
Inside I was always anxious; depression was coming on increasingly (was out of med and had no money). I got some temporary relief from his reassurances, and it is too bad that I resorted to going for them continually; but had I been able to request them and not accuse him and make him defend against it, for example, we might still have a relationship. I always was looking for our relationship to improve; I wasn’t thinking of our lives as being the way it was then.
He was also verbally, emotionally, physically and psychologically abusive, but all of it was only what he did in "self-defense," and in response to me and my bad behaviors, is what he says.
I was a lot to blame and have accepted this; I have repented to God, changed for the better, and shown these good changes. Yet he holds so much against me, has not forgiven, and is not proactive in taking ownership for his bad behaviors then or now.
He has seemed to enjoy my efforts to be more demonstrative of how I feel for him, showing more that I care and love him even with his faults. When he has sounded neutral to slightly upbeat, I have wondered whether we were progressing by getting closer to to being able to start over. But as it turns out, the best of times when I thought we might be progressing have seemed to crumble when he's gone off on me, triggered by something he blames on me in the present, however small, and at those times, I get reminded and am hurt by the signs of little to no progress.
He commented that he lies "all the time," a few weeks ago. In this past year whenever I've acted in faith, hope, a positive attitude to win him over, explaining, apologizing, being patient with him, I've eventually been dragged through his verbal accusations, demeaning and devaluing conclusions and statements; his lack of empathy showing and something that appeared to be self-righteousness.
He does switch from one affect to another quickly at times. They most always seem to be triggered; an example: he went from holding my hand in the car in a 3-hour talk Tuesday – a talk in which he barred his teeth to make an expression, with his hands seeming to want to go for my throat but stopping at my shoulders, a talk at the end of which I was allowed to lightly kiss him goodnight—he went from this, to when I made one too many calls to his job the next day, he said many cutting things, including a threat to get a restraining order against me, that he wished he had a girlfriend, he’d send her over to “thrash” or “trash”me; that he should have “killed” me when I was with him. It is SO TIRING to be slugged with such a changeover . . . and I feel guilty as I say this because by the time he’d return from work back when we lived together, I’d sometimes have obsessed over some worry all day, lining up possible evidence, to the point where I was a different person than the one he left in the morning. I so wish I could have another chance!!!!
My fears and insecurities and worries in our relationship were almost always if not always having to do with how much he cares for me, was he losing feeling toward me, and that I didn’t want to lose him.
I feel jerked around, that he absolutely no longer cares about me as he once did; and for many months it has been so much work with little reward to try to keep communications open between him and me. He’s been tiring me out -- I feel I have to "pad" things I say so he won't have a chance to take them wrong, and I've done this and prayed, and sent emails and requested his forgiveness, and shown love, and demonstrated changes for the better. All to little-to-no avail.
Would this have to be a permanent thing . . . ??? Has anyone EVER heard of a BPD getting help and revisiting someone they once cared as deeply as they could for???
I miss the loving times terribly. How could I still now? I think for many childhood and maybe genetic reasons, but I would address that I was totally committed to him, and have come to terms with my own behaviors that helped bring about the breakup; I realized I still loved him and wanted to change what I needed to, and give my effort to a really reasonable try, to start over with him. If he at one time really wanted me to behave as he used to ask me to, different than the ways back then that he still holds against me to this day, it is so very frustrating to me that he is processing all of this like it’s just too late, because I know I would be so much better to him now – I am able to be, thanks be to God!. Yet I am not getting the opportunity to show him. This is even though he has noticed good changes in my behavior over the past couple of years. However he really robs God and me of credit, playing my good changes down and picking on some relatively insignificant imperfect tiny portion of it and giving it air time.
So altho broken up technically over 2 yrs ago, I had never resigned myself to this. I loved him throughout all this time, and I had no choice but to back off for a time. I needed to work on myself, and I chose to stay in faith and live and work toward a time when I could somehow hopefully reintroduce myself into his psyche and life, in a new and better way; and work toward a point at which we could start anew. My vision was at this point, we would have forgiven one another, and hopefully be in agreement to be able to get to know one another better, over time, in a new way or, I should say, in many new ways. We had had no closure although I tried to have a closure talk with him once.
He has always said he isn't seeing anyone, but I'm not convinced of it due to timing, and due to that when I drove all the way to his house to ask him not to try to get a restraining order (he had threatened to do this on the phone two days prior which was way overkill and not deserved by me), it was early Fri morning and he smelled of yesterday's cologne, something he never used to wear. I also had never experienced him talking and behaving as he has been toward me this past year. So different so much of the time from how he was when he was adoring me.
I was forced to tell him -- to protect myself -- that I don't get enough from him that makes risking getting into trouble worth it. I was asking him to not file, telling him "I give up," (This was first time at his house or even near it for me, in over 2 yrs, and we talked outside). "I don't need your forgiveness" I told him for the first time.
When he kept deriding me for long-ago things and running me down, I never lost my composure and although he had called me a "C _ _ _ ! in his first 60 seconds of communicating, while I sat with my window rolled down having left a note outside his door in the winter cold and pointing to it -- I was in no way argumentative with him.
I can get an anxiety attack over not seeing someone ever again who means a lot to me -- even the proposal of it can send me there has been my past, and I'm trying Shari Schriebner's solution to do something about this . . ..
That Fri a month ago, we were getting nowhere in this MI cold standing out talking in 1 1/2 hours, and I was relieved he finally agreed not to file, but frustrated, hurt and upset over his dredging up past stuff to criticize and shame me with.
Relieved about his saying he wouldn’t try to get a restraining order, but trying to ascertain some sense of how he was looking at things and sharing a bit of input here and there, he’d come at me with this, that, and I said at a point, "Oh this is too much," to a false conclusion of his. It was something that amounted to a negative and false prediction of my behavior into the future; and so I said this out of frustration and when he responded by, "Then [go or leave]!-- said too many times already--I actually quietly turned and walked to the car, never pausing to try anything which isn’t like me.
I need no more trouble from him, and because I've found him to be unpredictable and not above using deceit at times, I have been trying with God's help to be cautious about my communications, fearing he'll be set off to help more legal stuff onto my record.
Do BPs ever get treated and reevaluate their past behaviors? Do they ever revisit a past love who meant a lot to them at one time? Does it have to be he sees me this way permanently?
He has a house and has kept much of my belongings for me all of this time, which I retrieved with help about a month ago. However I'm finding some of his things in with mine, and he might have some of my things still at his house – this I will know more certainly when I complete going through the many boxes.
Please someone share if you would, I must say I still love him so very much. I've learned a huge amount of helpful info as well, and I know I can be much better prepared for some of his input and reactions and for his lack of boundaries were I to be faced with these again. I knew next to nothing about BPD when we were together(!) but am learning a whole lot quickly, and learning about my issues that have helped me to want to stay in.
I don't want to be thought of by him as a lesser person for loving him -- he is a high-functioning Borderline. I have returned to school, in effort to get more meaningful employment as I have had most of my life. I'm a student, struggling for sufficient employment; he has never seen me in good financial shape as I used to be long before I met him. It's hard times in MI job wise, and I've had a tough time of it for years now; since he's younger and not been through this and not good with empathy, I've been accused of making excuses . . . but it hasn't at all been that I'm making excuses; and I've never collected unemployment, having worked most all my life.
It's economy, increased applicants, decreased jobs; and altho I appear younger than my age, I've been called "Ma'am" in an interview and in other arenas; I've told a friend I've never been hired from an interview in which I was referred to as "ma'am." But to tell him I’ve gotten age discrimination was basically served back to me later as an “excuse.”
I mentioned the term "Borderline" twice to him in the past month and half; but he answered "No" to when I asked him if he knew anything about it and on another day, to whether he had looked it up. I've thought of trying to contact his mother about it, which I'm sure won't go over well with him but which might reduce wear on me.
I know this is long; please forgive me. If anyone would be willing to apply their BPD smarts here, I'll try to brace myself but God knows I'd like there to be some hope!
It seems I’ve had so much more trust in him than he or I realized, and I’ve thought he is capable of introspection which I believe I’ve overestimated his capabilities in. I’ve never really left him to wonder for any length of time, except for the first 6 months of the over two years we’ve been apart. Is there anything I can do to get him to look at me again? This past couple of days it would have been like me to have been calling him more, and I think he’s not taking my calls, but I simply sent him an attached list of what I’m looking for but have missed so far in my belongings, with a picture of his things that I’ve found in with mine. Would a high-functioning Borderline get in contact with me? I used to accuse him of being like a kid in some of our arguments. I wish I knew then about BPD; I know now he was being a kid. There is much I could do differently. I used to be very critical of him in my depression, anxieties, stress, and so on, not to say I wasn’t faithful and that I was never loving, because I was.
Last edited by Stillinlove; 02-19-2010 at 09:30 PM.