shemilo

Well, I'm 18, female and I think I have BPD. My behaviour has been persistent for the past 3 to 4 years. I'll give you a account of my symptoms. Bear with me as I have to be absolutely sure. Only then can I tell my parents and seek professional help.
- I have uncontrollable anger and usually lash our verbally at those around at me.
- I generally feel people misunderstand and exaggerate my temper.
- I yell louder than I think and I absolutely hate it when they try to rationalize.
- I generally feel I'm right and I hate to be challenged.
- I get angry with the most ridiculous things eg. person changing a channel, someone doesn't hold something properly. I stopped talking to my best friend for almost a year because she didn't get me a present on my birthday.
- I always have issues when my close friends are in relationships as I feel neglected, unwanted and used.
- I isolate myself when I am neglected by someone for more than 2 days.
I usually give the silent treatment at first and loathe them, if they push me to reason..I scream.
- I'm labelled as an " over-reacting paranoid *****". They try to tell me they don't think so. But I know they do.
- If someone does something that annoys me, I'll conceal it till my anger builds up. I avoid confrontation because I don't know what to say or I'm afraid of looking too needy .
- I'm suspicious of people's motives.
- I can't stand being too close to someone. If I like the person a little more than others I have to get away. I get scared when things go too well.
- Physically touching someones as minor as brushing arms or legs completely freezes me. I hate hugging people and avoid it.
- I lie and manipulate to get my way. If someone stops talking to me, I need to know why. Not necessarily because I care for the person. I just need to know what I did wrong.
- I have insomnia as I can't get sleep. I sleep late and wake up late.
- I can read other peoples emotions well and usually manipulate it so I can mirror it to show common ground and hence build a friendship. I do this because I find it difficult to show them who I really am, because I don't know who I am. Projecting their personalities makes it less likely getting rejected and therefore less pain.
- Despite my strong dislikes and likes. I can't empathize. I can sympathize though. I avoid emotional conversations unless it's absolutely necessary. They make me extremely uncomfortable. I usually change the topic then.
- Some people say they need alcohol and drugs to numb themselves from pain. I need them to feel pain and remind myself that I am capable of caring for someone.
- I scratch myself sometimes because if im questioned about it, I blame it on my cats. Cutting is too prominent. I am tempted to do it.

- I concentrate on my work as I feel it compensates for my relationships and seems to have more meaning . Which is also why I have never been in a relationship for more than a week.
- The thought of being emotionally dependent on someone disgusts me but I also know I fear the thought of being alone.

Thanks for being patient and hearing me out.