So far the docs haven't given me a solid diagnosis. They've given me four, and two of those options don't even seem like actual diagnosis, they just seem like observations the doctor felt like mentioning. I'm pretty lost right now.
My problem right now is that I've shut down again. I've been living for about a week now feeling one step away from my actual self. I've alienated my boyfriend because the other morning I woke up and suddenly all my feeling for him was gone. Just poof gone. It was there when I went to sleep. Of course I didn't tell him that. It's happened before, and after a while when whatever screw is loose in my head falls back into place normal feeling can return. I turn off like a faucette sometimes and I don't know why.
I'm beginning to think that it's because every time I try and talk to someone about what's going on with me the only response I seem to get is, " Yeah, I wouldn't worry. I think everyone feels like that." or "Everyone has ADD." or "Everyone gets sad."
The problem is I'm not sad.
The problem is that I don't need people to tell me that I'm normal and that there isn't anything wrong with me. Because there is something wrong.
I'm too crazy to be considered normal, but I'm not crazy enough to be taken seriously.
If you could hear what's inside my head all you'd hear is frustrated screaming 24/7.
I'm in the process of finding a therapist.
Until then I could really use some coping tips. Or just some shared misery.
Re: This frustrating situation is turning desperate.
I can relate. My relationships have been horrible for years, and my friends all say that relationships are just hard. But it's only the people who date me who really know how bad it is. And sometimes even my partners don't realize what's happening. People say I'm not sick, but I surround myself with sick people, so how would they know?
I tried to rekindle an old relationship (from 10 years ago), and he told me I'm crazy and he can't deal with crazy. We used to always fight. I always started it. I love him, but I can't be with him until I get better. I don't want to ruin it again.
I know I'm sick, and it's frustrating because when people say I'm not sick I feel like they're blaming me for my failed relationships. But it's not my fault. I have recently realized I probably have BPD, and I'm going back to my therapist. Unfortunately, it takes about a month to get an appointment.
So I don't know how to make you feel better, but I can let you know that I share your misery. The good news is, we can get better. We want to get better, and we know we need help. Those are all good things.
Re: This frustrating situation is turning desperate.
Thanks for responding.
Unfortunately I'm beginning to feel that being in a relationship right now isn't such a good idea. I'm driving him crazy, and I really want to be able to help him through dealing with me, and make it better but I can't even make myself feel better or understand. I can't do both. Not at the same time.
So now I have a difficult decision to make. Take care of myself or take care of him. It's becoming very clear that I can't do both. Not feeling how I am.
And I feel you on the therapist issue. I can't get an appointment. If I want to go in and have them throw a bunch of pills at me I could probably get in there tomorrow, but I'd rather not just take random pills until something works.
call me crazy....
Re: This frustrating situation is turning desperate.
You have to take care of yourself. And in my experience, as soon as I really started getting help, loved ones responded well. If you do what you need to and he sees you trying, he might be more patient and understanding. Good luck!
