Okay, first of, Expect this to be long, I've never really opened up to anyone before so expect me to "waffle".
I am a 19 year old college student, I have always considered myself fairly normal until recently. I always thought people were the same as me, i thought everyone lied and manipulated situations to get what they want. I came to the understanding that "love" and "empathy" were just acts to show politeness. I never really thought by being "selfish", i was different to anyone else; as we are animals.
I'll give you some background of my life. I've always been a loner, never had friends at school, i was bullied a lot. Used to get into a lot of trouble and got excluded a few times; Mainly for fighting and stealing. My mum has never shown interest in me, she's preoccupied with boyfriends and work. Her and my father divorced when i was very young. I used to see a psychiatrist when i was younger who was a friend of the family, but he came to no conclusions and said that maybe i have ADHD. The last few years i have been doing nothing, i've been living with whoever wants me for free, and doing some part-time college courses.
I have stolen before quite a few times. I stole a few hundred £s from my mum and stole some things from when i worked at a charity shop, among other things. Apparently i should feel remorse for doing these things, but i don't. I deserved them. When i was little i used to love killing rats and bugs, nature is truly amazing, it's amazing what animals can go through before they give up. Yet again, every kid does this. I've never really been into trouble with the law, only when i was young and i allegedly tried to kill my brother. But i don't really remember it. (This was when i got the psychiatrist).
I do like to manipulate and lie, I wont lie about that
. This wall of text is probably the only truthful thing which has ever came out from me. I find it overpowering knowing that you have tricked another's mind. People's minds are fascinating, not just because they are so different to mine, but because you can control and manipulate them so easily. I'd love to tell you all my tales of manipulation, but i'd be writing for a week. But i will tell you one situation, which i am particularly fond of.
So my mums boyfriend, the violent alcoholic unemployed loser. After he declared that he hated me, and that he wanted to get me kicked out of the house (AGAIN), i decided to take matters into my own hands. I thought it would be genius if i could somehow reverse this and get him kicked out instead. So i devised a plan to make him punch me, this would inevitably get him kicked out and, would make mum be sympathetic to me. It worked like a charm, i basically just argued with him, taunted him and it all worked.
What didn't go to plan was the aftermath, although he was kicked out. My mums response wasn't as i had foreseen, and decided to kick me out too. She was upset with me, personally i don't know why because i did us all a favor. He was a jerk, and justice was served.
Anyway, I am nice to people. I'm not a complete rotten person, i think it's good to keep good relations and people to think of you nicely. Therefore, if you ever need something, you can ask- That is what friends are for, right? I wouldn't say i'm a violent person, i'm fairly good at controlling my temper. I usually vent my anger online and "troll" on yahoo answers - But i just got IP Banned today so that was unfortunate.
I don't really care about people, i don't think i'm some supreme god that is above all. But i do think it would be stupid not to put yourself above others, that's a natural instinct. I don't see why anyone would care about people they haven't met, so when i hurt someone's feelings online - I don't give a crap, they shouldn't leave them-self so vulnerable. A few of my family members have died recently, it has been an inconvenience; Yes. Do i have a conscience?, well i know what is right and wrong legally, if thats what you mean. But sometimes things are justified which makes them right, all i'll say.
Do i think i have a problem? No, not really. Although i may have a "disorder", I don't think naturally, there is anything wrong with me. I'm what humans should be, honest, selfish. But i realize i cannot fit in being like this, so therefore i MAY consider getting some form of therapy. I do have concerns though, I don't want anyone to know. If people find out i have this disorder my reputation is damaged. I will probably get kicked out my house and any chances of getting inheritance will be gone. Plus, I don't see how a psychiatrist will know what's going on inside my head better than i do. He will judge me entirely from people such as ted bundy, etc.
I kinda know, I'm probably sociopathic, but i just want someone else to read about me and conclude. It's all came to a shock to me that i might be different and sociopathic.
I cut a bunch of stuff out, so if the format doesn't make sense anymore, I apologize and feel free to offer any criticisms and advice. I'm not expecting much, but it was nice to put all these thoughts in words.