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Old 06-18-2011, 08:52 PM   #1
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ghjjf7 HB User
Question

Hello, I am an 18-year old male (if it matters and/or helps with your responses). When I was 16 and a junior in high school I began having anxiety attacks during morning classes that caused physical symptoms like stomach pains. As a result, I began skipping those classes and sometimes all of my classes in general. My parents eventually found out about it and I transferred schools with much success. I stopped having anxiety attacks, much to my relief, and things went on with relative normalcy.

I've been having some recent problems that I'd like to consult a psychiatrist about, but I simply am not in a position to do so due to financial constraints. I've been having issues that seem to characterize some sort of personality disorder as of the past seven-nine months or so. I can't really find the words to describe them but I can't seem to focus or care about things that should be important to me (i.e. friendships, college, work, etc.). When I'm around other people I feel different in some painful way. I really can't put my finger on it. I just can't seem to connect with anyone, even when we have mutual interests and/or similar likes/dislikes. I can't feel anything for them or seem to connect to them like I think I should be able to. I just don't really pick up on what makes two people connect to one another anymore.

My mother has said lately that I'm a hateful and mean person towards her, but I can't for the life of me understand what she means. It certainly isn't my intention to make her feel bad or whatever so I naturally thought the error in judgement was hers until my father confirmed that I do seem to be more of a callous person as I have matured. I'm not too terribly concerned by that although I wish she didn't feel bad because of me, I'm more concerned by the fact that I don't understand it. I look at her face and I know she's upset with me for whatever reason but I don't care because I don't feel like I did anything wrong. That probably makes me sound like a deviant person but I do love my mother and would do anything to help her out which is part of the reason that I'm seeking out help for my behavioral issues.

I'm a pretty quiet guy but I can easily strike up a conversation with a random stranger and I do enjoy both introverted/extroverted activities. I'm not particularly violent either; I did have some things when I was younger (between the ages of 10-14) that may constitute a conduct disorder but I'm not the kind of guy to go around picking fights or knock someone around for calling me a name. I do act violently sometimes, but it's usually on impulse. I have punched several holes and indentations in the drywall throughout the past few weeks, but I've always worked to fix them back up. I just feel unstable sometimes, like the only way to calm down is to hit something, break something, throw something, etc. but I would never consciously hurt anyone and it usually works. It's just something to dispel the feeling and I either mellow out or feel unhappy afterwards. Perhaps frustration accurately explains it? Some intense frustration that yields to anger and unhappiness.

From my observations of some of the other posts throughout this board, it seems that most of you have a solid understanding of mental illness and can hopefully match some of my problems to the right names so I can look into fixing myself. Maybe the above post isn't too wordy but, like I said, it's impossibly hard to describe what I'm feeling. Hopefully this gives you enough insight to understand it. I just want to find a way to feel better.

Last edited by ghjjf7; 06-18-2011 at 08:56 PM.

 
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Old 02-05-2012, 09:14 PM   #2
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Re: Question

I am surprised and a bit dismayed to see that no one has responded to your post. It was a very well written post. So I will attempt a just as well written response so that you don't have to feel like no one cares!!

Well, to begin: have you thought or reflected on why you are/were having the anxiety attacks? Could you link to some trauma in the past? For instance, bullying in school? Gender/identity issues?

Have you thought to yourself/considered that the way you have been acting-- towards your mother, not caring about things that you know you should be caring about because they are important-- stems from just being a teenager and that eventually, if you want to!, you can move and grow past it? I don't mean this in any sort of way to take away from how you are feeling. I can certainly relate... you described how I was before I had too much emotional baggage catch up to me and cause me to hit rock bottom.

When you say you can't "connect" with others despite having similar interests, likes, dislikes, etc., how do you define "connection" to others? What do you see it as? How would you describe it? Where do you think you came up with this definition that you think to yourself or what influenced it? Your answers could help shed some light for you, and hopefully help you maybe see the WHYs for the things you feel/think/do, etc. It sounds to me like you want to try for some of those answers for yourself so you can move forward and get better!

Think on the things, people, events, etc. in your life thus far that you could say, "yeah, that had an affect on me, meant a lot to me, hurt me a lot, confused me, etc." There might and very well could be a lot that you might not even know of... subconscious stuff.
Nevertheless, I picked up on from your post that you are a bit more mature, inward-thinking type, thus I feel you might find some answers within yourself, or at least have some stuff to work from.

In conclusion, I will say that you are not alone. I felt similarly to you,--and actually still do occasionally-- and I thought I was very alone, and I had no friends/connections, (I played ice hockey to get out some of that violence in me, lol) but I was angry. It wasn't until age 24 for me that Life finally stopped me one bitter cold, snowy Minnesota Winter night where I felt like I had both legs in Hell, and grabbed me by the arms and dragged me to safety (and for me, safety was moving back to a place/town i REALLY didn't want to be).
But the moral of my story is that, I ran and ran (moved wherever I wanted, did what I wanted) but never faced myself inside, asked the important questions to myself that I was scared to, because they were old ones, from way back to seventh grade when I was so traumatized, I was for the fourth time the new kid in school and I decided I wouldn't talk the whole year, and the harassment rained down on me. Ones like yours: what does it mean to me to "connect" with others? Why am I so freakin' different?


Hope you haven't given up, and come back to post some more!

 
Old 07-28-2012, 04:52 AM   #3
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Re: Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by ghjjf7 View Post
Hello, I am an 18-year old male (if it matters and/or helps with your responses). When I was 16 and a junior in high school I began having anxiety attacks during morning classes that caused physical symptoms like stomach pains. As a result, I began skipping those classes and sometimes all of my classes in general. My parents eventually found out about it and I transferred schools with much success. I stopped having anxiety attacks, much to my relief, and things went on with relative normalcy.

I've been having some recent problems that I'd like to consult a psychiatrist about, but I simply am not in a position to do so due to financial constraints. I've been having issues that seem to characterize some sort of personality disorder as of the past seven-nine months or so. I can't really find the words to describe them but I can't seem to focus or care about things that should be important to me (i.e. friendships, college, work, etc.). When I'm around other people I feel different in some painful way. I really can't put my finger on it. I just can't seem to connect with anyone, even when we have mutual interests and/or similar likes/dislikes. I can't feel anything for them or seem to connect to them like I think I should be able to. I just don't really pick up on what makes two people connect to one another anymore.

My mother has said lately that I'm a hateful and mean person towards her, but I can't for the life of me understand what she means. It certainly isn't my intention to make her feel bad or whatever so I naturally thought the error in judgement was hers until my father confirmed that I do seem to be more of a callous person as I have matured. I'm not too terribly concerned by that although I wish she didn't feel bad because of me, I'm more concerned by the fact that I don't understand it. I look at her face and I know she's upset with me for whatever reason but I don't care because I don't feel like I did anything wrong. That probably makes me sound like a deviant person but I do love my mother and would do anything to help her out which is part of the reason that I'm seeking out help for my behavioral issues.

I'm a pretty quiet guy but I can easily strike up a conversation with a random stranger and I do enjoy both introverted/extroverted activities. I'm not particularly violent either; I did have some things when I was younger (between the ages of 10-14) that may constitute a conduct disorder but I'm not the kind of guy to go around picking fights or knock someone around for calling me a name. I do act violently sometimes, but it's usually on impulse. I have punched several holes and indentations in the drywall throughout the past few weeks, but I've always worked to fix them back up. I just feel unstable sometimes, like the only way to calm down is to hit something, break something, throw something, etc. but I would never consciously hurt anyone and it usually works. It's just something to dispel the feeling and I either mellow out or feel unhappy afterwards. Perhaps frustration accurately explains it? Some intense frustration that yields to anger and unhappiness.

From my observations of some of the other posts throughout this board, it seems that most of you have a solid understanding of mental illness and can hopefully match some of my problems to the right names so I can look into fixing myself. Maybe the above post isn't too wordy but, like I said, it's impossibly hard to describe what I'm feeling. Hopefully this gives you enough insight to understand it. I just want to find a way to feel better.
Humans are not directly responsible for their own personality.......because
right from childhood the learning process is not in our hand........society....
parents......may affect strongly. Also our gene are not in our hand.So accept
all....good or bad what ever it may be & be happy.


Thank you.

 
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