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Old 12-23-2011, 07:08 AM   #1
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BPD and crippling social fear

Hello everyone, I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17(I am now 28)in addition I also have OCD, bi-polar and depression, I am also considered intellectually gifted(creativity)and I have a 159 IQ, I'm not sure if that factors into anything at all.

I have low self esteem, so much so it has crippled a part of my soul, I can look into the mirror and see a hideous, disgusting monster instead of a human being, recently I have lost a lot of weight, however, I still see the same image in the mirror, in fact, I feel like I look very wide, but I can easily just reach around and touch the middle of my back, which has confused me even more.

I want to get involved in a long term relationship that will lead to marriage and children, however, I am afraid to pursue anything of this nature due to my fear of rejection and my low self esteem, I have a strong need to be loved yet I am afraid to even attempt to find someone to satisfy my need, which has led to many confusing and frustrating thoughts and feelings.

At 28 I am also a virgin who has never kissed or been close to a man, and I understand that in today's society that this is a very undesirable thing, everyone wants someone with experience, and not a virgin, I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about how undesirable I am.

I'm not sure what I will ever do, noone will ever want me because I am a virgin at my age and what I look like, I am terrified of dying alone and childless, the fear chips away at my soul a little each day.

I need some help and advice on how I deal with these feelings, I'm deeply confused.

 
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Old 12-27-2011, 11:49 AM   #2
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

Dear Friend,

I really understand how you feel in so many ways!

I had to read up on BPD (borderliine personality disorder), but it really surprised me...I think I myself may have always had some BPD going on in myself. Feelings of emptiness, unsureness of identity and direction, paranoia, feelings plummeting from joy to despair after some insignificant criticism, and fear of abandonment seem to be some core characteristics that I have had all my life. I've been diagnosed with PTSD - I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I was moved 13 times in 12 years of public schooling - and I was actually, physically, abandoned a number of times in my childhood "in order to teach me a lesson" (I was terrified each time). So I see, looking back at my life, that many times I have abandoned others before they could abandon me...and was probably very mistaken in doing so in many cases.

I also have a high IQ and was very creative - I won awards for acting and music and was given a full university scholarship awarded for high academic achievement - but I was often mocked and criticized by my "redneck" relatives for those very things, and I therefore suppressed a lot of my intelligence and talent just to be "accepted". I often felt like an alien, a "changeling" placed in a strange family, as I had so little in common with them.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror now. Although some people tell me I'm an attractive older man, I can only see an ugly old eyesore, who looks so much older than I feel inside.

Moreover, I was a virgin until I was 29, because I only felt gay sexual attractions (born that way I guess, certainly never chose to be), and I knew my family would reject me if I ever expressed my true orientation and they found out. And sure enough, when I had my first relationship at 29, they found out and disowned me - threw me out of the family - thus profoundly fulfilling my lifelong fear of abandonment. Thereafter, I never had a good or long-lasting relationship, fearing disease, criticism and abandonment.

But you are now where I was when I was trying to finally be myself - and your great advantage is that you are so much more AWARE of your situation than I was at 29. Believe it or not, I ENVY YOU! I wish I could start all over again at 28 with this knowledge. Nevertheless, you have helped ME see what I'm still doing wrong, doing to myself now. You are so aware, you can address these issues with so much more cognizance than I had...I knew nothing except that I felt excruciatingly alone, unloved, guilty, bad, sad, bitter...and I often did risky things in desperation to escape my unbearable feelings...but I had no name for what was wrong with me.

I'm not any kind of expert whatsoever, but after reading more about BPD, I think it might help us to look at BPD, not as a specific ailment or diagnosis, like schizophrenia, but as a collection of emotional difficulties, which some experts don't even recognize as a distinct disorder - it seems blurred into/with many other "disorders".

Just know that you are lovable - I can tell even by your short message - but fear is getting in your way. You're probably a heck of lot more attractive than you can even imagine. Also know that you are not alone - so many of us understand you so very well.

Have you tried cognitive therapy? I know how difficult and scary it can be finding just the right therapist. But maybe join a support group, ask around, etc. You have SO MUCH TIME to get it worked out, dear friend! And you are SO WORTH IT!!! The world needs more sensitive, intelligent people like you!

Big hug,

Vocrin

 
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Old 12-27-2011, 03:38 PM   #3
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

Thank you so much for your wonderful response, I had been doing better for the past several months, mainly due to the fact that I had met who I thought was a wonderful man online, who talked to me like he genuinely liked me.

However, all of these old, insecure feelings came rushing back after he suddenly stopped contacting me, I haven't received an email from him in over a month, and I can only assume that he has moved on, I'm confused because the very last email he sent me was essentially a love letter, he didn't even give me a sign that he had lost interest, he just dissapeared.

I have also felt like a stranger in my own family, by the time I was in the second grade my reading skills and vocabulary were already at a college level, I also possess natural writing skills, I have received no training at all yet I can sit down and write short stories and even 200+ plus page novels, I wrote my first novel(never attempted to have it published)when I was 15.

My interests were also strange for a child in grade school, I was already reading books about ancient history and anthropology, and watching documentaries on tv about those subjects when other children were watching cartoons, I often sit and wonder what on earth is actually wrong with my brain.

I'm also the only left handed person in this generation of my family, which strikes me as a little odd.

And yes, I have been told that I was a very attractive young woman, but it doesn't matter to me, I do not see that in the mirror, nor do I feel attractive, I was also verbally and mentally abused by some of my teachers, because I was bored out of my skull sitting in class all day, one teacher even locked me in a dark closet because I wouldn't "behave".

No, I haven't tried cognitive therapy yet, but I would be willing to try anything.

I'm also confused about the connection between creative/intellectual talents and mental illness, sometimes I wonder why I was born this way.

 
Old 12-27-2011, 04:59 PM   #4
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Vocrinthedes HB UserVocrinthedes HB UserVocrinthedes HB UserVocrinthedes HB User
Re: BPD and crippling social fear

Have you investigated the concept of "highly sensitive person" (aka HSPs)? There are a lot of us out here. You might want to look up Elaine Aron's website and take her online test. Let us know how you come out.

Ted Zeff is another good source. You might find that the definition of the highly sensitive person sounds very familiar...maybe a lot like what life has been like for you. It can be very comforting to know that you are actually a member of a very special group of human beings, and you are not "abnormal" or "defective" (which are labels applied by this insensitive world we live in), but rather you are exceptional!

Zeff's book The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide might answer many of the questions you're asking!

Thanks for the hug, HD. I need one today! I have lost a lot of the very sensitive people in my life, so right now, life is pretty lonely. Hopefully, the new year will guide me toward new sensitive friends.

Vocrin

 
Old 12-27-2011, 05:15 PM   #5
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

I'm glad you appreciated the hug, I had a rough holiday too due mainly to the fact that I have no family and well, I'm an atheist, I'll certainly look everything up online.

Life has been a big frustrating journey for me, it's weird to feel like an alien on your own planet, and I have always felt that way, it seems like noone can ever make a full connection with me.

 
Old 12-27-2011, 11:35 PM   #6
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by HD1983 View Post
I'm glad you appreciated the hug, I had a rough holiday too due mainly to the fact that I have no family and well, I'm an atheist, I'll certainly look everything up online.
I did appreciate it, and sorry that your holiday was not so good, either. As you've likely read, I have no family either - which is actually (but sadly) a relief, considering how they treated me. I'm still agnostic (there's too much unknown and unexplained for me to believe firmly one way or another), but in my life, Xmas was always devoid of love or spirituality - more filled with selfishness and greed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HD1983 View Post
Life has been a big frustrating journey for me, it's weird to feel like an alien on your own planet, and I have always felt that way, it seems like noone can ever make a full connection with me.
That's precisely something I could say about myself, HD. An alien on this planet. I hope we both find deep and meaningful connections here, despite feeling lightyears from home. Do read about "highly sensitive persons".

Vocrin

 
Old 12-28-2011, 04:45 AM   #7
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

I hope things get better for us too, I would have to say what really, really hurt me was what that guy I met online ended up doing to me, he came off as Mr.Wonderful for months, wanting to meet me, and then all of a sudden he just stopped answering my emails.

He even lied to me and told me that he would never just leave me, in fact he told me that several times over, but then he ended up doing just that.

However, it is very comforting to meet you, because you are just like me, I have never met someone with the same thoughts and fears before.

Right now I will go back to studying Asian decorative arts and antiques, I hope to someday become a certified art and antique appraiser specializing in that field, surely my line of work would help me meet a quality guy, I'll also bury myself in my writing again to occupy my time.

 
Old 12-28-2011, 07:32 AM   #8
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Re: BPD and crippling social fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by HD1983 View Post
I hope things get better for us too, I would have to say what really, really hurt me was what that guy I met online ended up doing to me, he came off as Mr.Wonderful for months, wanting to meet me, and then all of a sudden he just stopped answering my emails. He even lied to me and told me that he would never just leave me, in fact he told me that several times over, but then he ended up doing just that.
Having lived in both a pre-internet world and now, I guess I can see more clearly how unreal and insidious the online world can be. People can all too easily consider other people as merely fantasy characters in a game and just have fun wooing and winning them (getting false ego boosts as they do so), with no intentions of a genuine relationship.

I was actually horrified watching a good friend of mine who was also having relationship woes become thorougly addicted to an online virtual reality game called "Second Life" (and now there's a "Third Life"??) and actually fell in love with a virtual man, a handsome, dashing avatar created by someone somewhere. It actually came to the point that they contacted by phone and come to find out, he was a paraplegic, religious, married man with four kids! He was just "venting his frustrated desires"! My friend was devastated.

I also worked with a colleague who was romanced online by a beguiling guy in Scandinavia - she ended up agreeing to marry him. But after he arrived and married her, and impregnated her, it turned out that he had only tricked her so that he could come to live and work in America, and he started looking for someone else to marry. He was never the sensitive, devoted person he portrayed online - he was an insensitive a**hole and put her through hell.

Online, you can fall in love with a fictitious character...but the real human being who's playing that "wonderful" character can simply grow tired of the game and cut you off by clicking "close" in the game window, so to speak, being too insensitive (so easy to be in this medium) to realize that there is an actual human being out there whose heart may be breaking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HD1983 View Post
However, it is very comforting to meet you, because you are just like me, I have never met someone with the same thoughts and fears before.

Right now I will go back to studying Asian decorative arts and antiques, I hope to someday become a certified art and antique appraiser specializing in that field, surely my line of work would help me meet a quality guy, I'll also bury myself in my writing again to occupy my time.
Good for you!!! Put yourself in a position that you respect and that gives you confidence. Then meet real human guys in the flesh - you are sensitive enough to know whether they are phony or not. And no matter what, there will always be some very nice person out there who thinks YOU are especially attractive just the way you are.

All my best wishes to a fellow "alien". We can make it on this planet!

Vocrin

Last edited by Vocrinthedes; 12-28-2011 at 07:33 AM.

 
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