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-   -   Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/personality-disorder/902651-borderline-personality-disorder-can-anyone-else-relate.html)

egyptanubis 05-28-2012 09:04 AM

Borderline Personality Disorder
 
I was hoping to find other people here who have it.
I'm 18 and was diagnosed about a year ago. I went through my four years of high school wondering what was wrong with me, since my friends had pointed my mood swings out. They all thought I was Bipolar, and I did too, but I felt something was wrong and different.
I constantly cling to a certain small group of friends, and I pretty much see in black and white terms. I can easily hate someone if they break my trust, and my friendships are constantly switching back and forth from hatred to love.
I can't stand my unstable emotions. I'll range from irritable, depressed, anxious, angry- and that alone makes me even more angry at myself. I often blame myself at almost everything, and when someone tells me to just 'get over it', it really hurts me because it's not that simple.
I fear rejection and abandonment from friends and those close to me. Those who I cling to - I seek out attention when I'm feeling lonely. I have a constant feeling of emptiness in me.
And often, I feel like I don't really exist. I feel disconnected from this world, like I'm walking in a world completely different than the current existing one.
I'm easily hurt. Say someone promised me something, or made plans with me.. they can have the best excuse for personal reasons, but I still get mad and irritated with them.
This is affecting my job and my friendships with people. I'm so worried about them leaving me and that makes my moods worse. No matter what people tell me, it's just how my mind works and it's really hard to control. Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore.
I cry a lot because of the most stupid and littlest things. I get jealous when people aren't paying attention to me and that makes me feel really selfish. And because of that, in retaliation, it makes me feel like the worst person to exist on this planet. I'm constantly trying to be the person my friends want me to be because I fear rejection. I try and keep friends, make new ones in hope I can share and tell people what I feel.
But they just don't understand.
I've lost about 5 friends within a span of 3 months when my BPD gradually began to get worse. They told me 'it's like walking on eggshells around you' and they told me I was constantly depressed. I'm very impulsive, often doing things without even thinking beforehand.
If I get into an argument with someone and it's actually their fault, I feel like it's mine and constantly apologize. I don't want to lose anyone.
It's a constant push and pull feeling. It feels like I don't want anyone's help, but at the same time I feel like screaming out for people's help. I only feel like I want to be alone because I don't want my friends to feel that burden, because of the fear of rejection.
Sometimes I feel out of place in large groups, so I often don't go places with crowds. I still feel empty and lonely in big groups. I feel like no one understands me and that I'm a really messed up person.

Is there anyone else out there with this disorder?

CHBz 05-31-2012 08:12 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
 
Hi

Firstly I would say you seem like a 100% sincere person. You say you feel disconnected from this world but your post is totally coherent and I don't think it would have been if you were on some 'other planet', so to speak. You seem to know exactly what your strengths and weaknesses are which is a good sign because it means you're probably ready to tackle them (even if you don't know how, yet).

I wish I could say more but to be honest I'm no expert in this kind of area, I just wanted to add my 2 cents though. Hope you manage to overcome this eventually. I'm sure this reply isn't much help at all but hey :)

girl90 08-06-2012 09:31 AM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few months ago. Ive been seeing a therapist but it doesnt seem to help because i only have these emotions when im around people in my life that i try to be close too. So how can i describe exactly what im feeling to a complete stranger and have them understand? Im 22 now, but in highschool i had the same problems as you. Ive always had severe turbulent relationship issues, i havent been single since i was 14 years old.

Amasita 11-09-2012 12:18 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
Hi!

I also have BPD. I was diagnosed several years ago. I can relate completely to what you both have been saying. It's as if you were saying exactly what I felt and experienced when I was in high school!

It took years before I was diagnosed as BPD. I suffer from depression, have since I was at least 15 years old. I used to self-harm... I have been able to stop a lot of my negative behaviors through hard work with a therapist and medication for depression. I still have a lot of the same negative thoughts but am able to control them or talk myself out of them better. I also am better at controlling my impulsive behavior.

I won't say I'm perfect because I am nowhere near it but I am much further along than I ever thought possible. At the time I thought I was making no progress. It is only looking back now that I realize that I am slightly better.

I would definitely say to give it time and to try to be patient with yourself and not expect miracles in a day. I know how hard the extreme thinking can be. Its all or nothing... white or black... here or there... with no give in between. It will get better.

Amasita

girl90 11-10-2012 06:35 AM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
Do you think group therapy is better because you have people around you going through the same thing? Ive quit the one on one therapy, I wasnt comfortable so it wasnt helping.Im on medication which definitely helps but going through daily routines is so much more difficult because my emotions are extreme. Perceive anger or slights when there is none, trying to let my rational side take over even with nagging doubts that wont go away.The worst though is having those around you thinking your not trying hard enough to control your emotions when you yourself know that you are doing better than before.

Amasita 11-10-2012 10:34 AM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
For myself, I had trouble with group therapy, made my symptoms worse... Almost like we brought it out in each other. I've found one on one therapy worked best for me. It took a long time for me to be able to be able to control my emotions and mood swings but it's worth it. My therapist was able to help me tease out what was rational and "normal" and what was my borderline talking...

I hope you find something that works...

Amasita

girl90 11-10-2012 05:42 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
Thanks. I guess first I have to work on turning my tear ducts off when I talk about my symptoms! Lol.

Amasita 11-13-2012 08:52 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
I still have trouble with crying too easily during therapy. Used to cry ALL the time and at the drop of a hat but over the years I've gotten better. I cry at more appropriate times now.

stef4400 11-18-2012 04:20 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
I understand what your going through to some degree. My husband got diagnosed with BDP about 9 months ago. It took years to diagnose him. the doctors just diagnosed it as depression and stuffed him with all the anti depressents and sleeping tablets under the sun. which wasnt helpfull as he has an addictive personality. things have started improving since he was diagnosed. the doctors did confuse it originally with bipolar as they are similar. my husband is soon to start a STEPPS course which is specifically for people with personality disorders to adjust the way of thinking. bpd cant be treated perminantly with drugs like bipolar. Also there is a course called aspirations which helps to achieve the things you want and gives you a posative outlook on your life. and my friend who works in the industry advised me psychotherapy would be the best action for my husband.
Hope this helps :)
xx

andy200 11-29-2012 04:01 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
Hi, I realize you posted this a bit ago, but I have just recently started to try and find other people who have BPD like I do.

I live in a small rural community and I feel like no one understands what this is like.

I was diagnosed this past winter, and have been trying to find the right prescription combo to help me at least function like a human being, lol.

I am fighting with my insurance company for coverage, and won't be able to start therapy until this coming February.

One thing that helps me in the meantime is writing about the stuff I am going through.

I have a blog, but I don't know if I can post a link without it being considered as "spamming" or something. It's about my journey through this BPD ordeal.

They say over 2 million people in the US have this, but I don't think very many people talk about it....I was warned to not tell people because of the social stigma attached, but you know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed. Just because we have this....it doesn't make us bad people, or scary people. We are just like everyone else, except we have problems that other people do not have :)

Kaji 01-19-2013 04:44 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
I just wanted to say - hang in there! BPD gets easier to cope with as you get older... I've struggled with anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, and 'borderline traits' since I was in my early twenties. I didn't think I'd make it to 30, I didn't think I'd ever have a relationship, and I certainly didn't see myself having a normal life. Guess what? I'm going to be 42 this year and I've been married for eight years. And more importantly, it's been TEN years since I took my emotions out on myself physically. Things to remember -however black things appear, YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. You are NOT responsible for the behaviour of the rest of the world. You are only responsible for YOU. And you deserve love and kindness and compassion, from yourself most of all. Treat yourself with love, and gradually the rest will fall into place.

Bella143 02-25-2013 11:57 AM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
 
Yes I can relate . I to have BPD

ValerieSue 03-31-2013 10:20 PM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
 
I have had a really bad 'episode' for around 4 months now and just feel exhausted by it all. I had previously been told I had depression for 40 years until last week I was diagnosed with BPD. In the last four months my marriage has been torn to shreds. I love my husband but I treat him so badly and of course he doesn't know how to relate to me either. I am on 40mg Lovan (Prozac) and 500mg Valproate morning and evening. I am seeing a psychiatrist (it took a second opinion to getmy diagnosis) and had my first session with a new counsellor a week ago.
Any advice would be great, thank you in advance

MsAngel 04-15-2013 07:39 AM

Re: Borderline Personality Disorder. Can anyone else relate?
 
Hi E and All, Sorry for a very delayed response I have just seen your post.

I do not have BPD but have a close family member diagnosed with it and have done extensive training of the disorder to help me understand my family member and to try and support them.

It appears E that you feel very alone and your fears are centered around the feeling of being abandoned or neglected which is having an effect on your friendships. Have you experienced being abandoned in the past?

The family member I'm trying to support has also found it difficult to maintain and create friendships because they are always judged by their behaviour which many do not understand the underlining feeling is "Fear" but interpret it as "anger" and "intimidation".

Have you thought about joining a PD group to meet others that understand how you are feeling? this may also help you in knowing that you are not alone with the disorder and learn how others have coped and challenged it. You could also attend online forums and groups if you don't want to appear in person, check out psychcentral.com where you could be apart of their social network and found out more about your concerns.

Also, just to comment on those whom are taking medication....is this for BPD other other mental health issues? As medication for BPD can reduce some symptoms but the best form of treatment for BPD is talking therapy! some useful approaches are Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, Mentalisation but I would say any form of therapy that involves a therapeutic relationship where it would be private and safe for you to express your concerns.

I hope this helps and wishing you all the best.


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