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Old 10-13-2012, 05:42 AM   #1
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Red face Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Ok, it's kind of long; and you are being warned in advance- I'm rather a bit of an arsehole :L. 
 
I already have a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome; however, there's something more in my opinion. 

- I resent authority. As much as I appreciate the sacrifices police make, I find their pompous parades utterly pathetic. If you take a policeman's uniform off then all he is is a human being like me or you. Therefore, I resent the falseness of their authority. Don't get me started on judges. Not after my parents' divorce, and what that **** of a judge put me through. 

- I love the feeling of fear and nervousness. It's the only time I feel truly alive. When I'm afraid. Some people think I don't feel it (the fear emotion) due to my admittedly absurd disposition towards doing extreme things (kayaking in a rough ocean as a potent example). Though I do feel it. I just don't process it as uncomfortable. Quite the opposite, actually. It's like I EAT it. I get bored without nervousness. 

- I don't care if I offend or upset people. As far as I'm concerned, if people can't cope with the things I say then that's their problem.  

- I have a nomadic lifestyle. I don't like staying in any place too long. It's tedious and I hate it. Therefore, I move on. I'm originally from Dorset but have lived all over the country. I still have a soft accent, though. 

- I am driven by the idea of success, power, respect, attainment, the persuit of knowledge (to assume an air of authority over lesser people), and fame or infamy. I want to change the world (and I think I possibly could). 
I think, however, that everybody is driven to be the pinnacle of their profession. Maslow's hierarchy of needs and all that bollocks ends in self actualisation. In other words, reaching the top. It's just that some people realise that; others are brainwashed into not realising that. 

- I make plans. As in, lots of plans. I have whole scrapbooks of plans that I've made. The current one is to learn Arabic in an Arabic country, do work experience at the same time, and then present myself to Weatern companies that will come flooding into the New States of the Islamic world, to get employment. Eventually, when I had enough money to start a company, I will move to the potential resort of Dakhla, and set up shop, there. 

- I have little sympathy for my countrymen. I literally don't care. A brit could starve to death in front of me and I would feel nothing. Contrast this with how I respond to foreigners suffering, and it's remarkable. Actually, I don't get on with other brits at all; when I'm abroad, however, I have no problems. I actually feel at home with Moroccans whether in real life or via the Internet. There's a vitality amongst them that I like. A drive for success not found amongst the reality tv braindead morons in my town. 
In other countries, I usually become popular with the wait staff because I tip more than is necessary. 
 
- I remain determined to get back in touch with this guy I used to know; when we were teenagers, we came close to really knowing eachother, and both came from poor families in an otherwise middle class area. We were attached to eachother because it was us or the rich kids. 
Oh, and I loved his eccentricities; we both have very fixed stares that are piercingly deep. And he wore a SWEATSHIRT. That made him extra hot.  We haven't spoken since 2009, though I really strongly fantasise that we might eventually run into eachother again, and he would be my ideal love, meeting every fantasy and dream I have. Of course he would probably not live up to my desires in real life, if we did ever re-meet. 

-I was lonely at school, and one of fantasies or dreams is to run into old teachers, or the Chav scum that were students, with me having attained great success, wealth, knowledge, relationships, et al ad infinitum. 
(when I was a kid, I used to stand in front of the mirror playing music, and pretending I was performing at the school reunion, with a perfect, idealised, group of friends and acquaintances, and leaving the arseholes from the old schools I attended and was abused at stunned by my achievement and talent- given that the music I'd pretend I was doing a cover version of at the reunion was 'Nickelback', 'Disturbed', and also 'Taproot', I clearly didn't have high expectations for my future talent xD :L :O…). 

- I had a guy fired because I mildly liked him. 
Yes, you read that right. 
This guy I liked accidentally swore when serving me in a shop. I previously had been threatened with arrest for being caught swearing in public, and though I was attracted to this guy, I could not have him get away with something for which I had been punished previously; that would mean he had had a better luck, and I am fiercely jealous- I can't tolerate people to whom I'm attracted having better luck on anything whatsoever. Therefore, I made a fake email name on a google account (Mrs Davina Leadbetter) and complained about this otherwise awesome guy. 
Just because I liked him but was jealous that he might escape punishment over a something of a contravention for which I had been punished. 

- I do feel shame when I unnecessarily hurt someone; not because of their damaged feelings but solely because it might damage their perception of me and so on. 
Therefore, I'm able to realise that I've done things which are a complete arsehole thing to do. 

-I have lots of rage. I rarely get violent, and it's rare for me to even go throw something against a wall; however, I have lots of festering rage. If I am alone, and not minding my facial expression, it usually develops a Doberman like snarl. Twitching lip and all…. 
The rage feels cold, though; it's not a hot rage. 

- Wherever I go, havoc follows in some manner; disturbance in a classroom, social groups shifting around, simmers of rebellion against authority. 

- I hate going to sleep, as I lay there and thoughts of negative occurrencies and travesties that I have suffered might go through my head, and the cold rage comes down over me like a blanket of malaise. 

- I hate waking up because it's just pointless. 

- I am fiscally irresponsible. 

- I hate stuck up rich kids; they wouldn't survive a minute of my life. 

- I regularly use de humanising lexis against sub groups that have incurred  my disdain; usually, I refer to my retarded neighbour, who was violently masturbating outside my apartment a few weeks ago, as merely It. It, not he nor by his name. It. 
Or, the Thing or omen. 

- Sometimes, I **** on a kitchen towel on the floor and then dump it in the toilet; I don't quite know why I should defile where I live, though I do do it. 
It (perhaps somewhat ironically) keeps me feeling 'sane'. 

- I dominate people if I make friends with them. This might be a trait I picked up from my abusive mother. However, as a kid I would make friends with outsiders, and then control them to get them to act out. I manipulated this guy into going urbexing with me and another friend I manipulated into stealing some beers with me back in Dorset, and drinking them (even though it was nighttime, and we didn't know whether the guy from whom we were stealing would find us- the threat was awesome). 

There's more really; that's enough for the OPPost though :L. 

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-29-2013 at 04:34 PM. Reason: Vulgar language is not allowed. Unnecessary comments removed.

 
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Old 10-13-2012, 01:21 PM   #2
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

From reading your post, it seems that you do have a complex personality, but whether it is a personality disorder or a degree of the Aspergers you already have been diagnosed with is impossible to tell without a professionals experience, and spending more time with you.

It sounds as if your life experience has a contributing factor into your present behavior and thoughts, but to put a label on you would not be possible unless you are interested in going through the motions necessary to find out.

Considering you lack of respect for those you consider authorities, (if that includes doctors and therapists trained in the field of diagnosing mental health concerns as authority figures), I can imagine taking the time to sit with them, and answer their questions would be unlikely, or even impossible for you. Without your involvement in all the testing and diagnostic processes necessary to come up with a definitive diagnosis, you could not expect for a professional to provide you with the answer to your question.

Considering those of us here are simply lay persons, who are interested helping others through our own experiences with health concerns, we are not necessarily trained to make such determinations in this forum.

I can say, you do seem to exhibit a lack of empathy for others, which is something I have a lifetime of experience with, as the sister of a woman with severe mental issues of a similar nature. Since she has been unwilling to seek help from the mental health community herself, she remains undiagnosed personally. The blanket term of a psychopath was presented from a psychologist who treated our family, trying to cope with her behavior towards us.

If you are truly interested in finding an answer to your question of a correct diagnosis and possible treatment for the issues that trouble you, then I encourage you to seek help from a qualified professional in the field of mental health. While putting a name on your particular situation may be the steppingstone towards proper treatment, whether you want to change is up to you alone..

The best place to start any type of personal growth is to be completely honest with yourself, and your therapist. It is only after that, can you honestly begin to free yourself of those behaviors that are both harmful to you, and others who come in contact with you, through no fault of their own.

 
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Old 10-13-2012, 04:18 PM   #3
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Oh, and I live by the night.

 
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:46 AM   #4
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

What do you think of your situation, and how is it affecting you life? I would be very interested in what you see for yourself?

Janet

 
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:50 PM   #5
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Hmmmm… thanks for the reply .
I am frustrated with life, actually; I want to study Arabic (which I am doing) with the hope of gaining meaningful employment in the Middle east. Thing is this, so many companies now are cutting their staff to save costs; our recent government (I won't post the name I use for David Cameron on here, as it would be a violation of terms of service :L) have passed a law allowing companies to fire people with no reason. If I have a language (Arabic) and work for a Western corporation in the Middle east, I will be less dispensible. I will be needed. If a company depends on me then, subsequently, it follows that they will not treat me as a throwaway lackie.
And I can use that to rise up the ranks .


Problem is this, though- I get bored of things, and I have so many things I want to do that it's hard to, currently, get one of them done.

I want to succeed, though, to be honest with you, I'm held back in that. I left university early, so don't have a degree, and my mother (even though I live independently 67 miles from her) tries to sabotage everything. When I went travelling, she even came into the STA (student travel agency) and tried to talk the travel agent out of selling me the trip :@.



I've sort of given up. I know what I want (to have a good life, to be needed and valued for my intellect and skills, to be at liberty, to be well travelled, to have praise for the things I have done, et al the other things that make the Western disease…) though I don't have the passion for it that I did when I was at sixth form school (our version of high school).
There will probably be something else I decide on before I've finished learning Arabic |-(….

 
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:52 PM   #6
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Thanks again for your help, though.

 
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:10 PM   #7
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

I don't see the "evil" in your response, in fact you goals and plans sound very well thought out and then the self doubt and frustration comes in.

If you have been diagnosed with Asbergers, it would make sense that organizing a life plan would be difficult, as it is difficult for everyone! Studying Arabic is a great step forward, and you can do other things while doing so, like work or continue your education. I do not know what your lifestyle or economic situation is.

You do seem full of big ideas, which is always great. It can come down to breaking your goal up into bits and do one at a time. I can really relate to you with the difficulty in choosing where to start or which project to do first. I have found I get the greatest enjoyment out of the creating the ideas and getting a project off to a start, but loose the thrill before completing the job. Its as if I do not need to finish it to get what I need out of it, then I move on. Well that is not a popular approach according to the normal people, so I do not expect outside approval to feel complete.

Just a thought or two...
Cheers!

 
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:11 PM   #8
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Hmmmm… Thanks for your reply .
I am frustrated with life, actually; I want to study Arabic (which I am doing) with the hope of gaining meaningful employment in the Middle east. Thing is this, so many companies now are cutting their staff to save costs; our recent government (I won't post the name I use for David Cameron on here, as it would be a violation of terms of service :L) have passed a law allowing companies to fire people with no reason. If I have a language (Arabic) and work for a Western corporation in the Middle east, I will be less dispensible. I will be needed. If a company depends on me then, subsequently, it follows that they will not treat me as a throwaway lackie.
And I can use that to rise up the ranks .


Problem is this, though- I get bored of things, and I have so many things I want to do that it's hard to, currently, get one of them done.

I want to succeed, though, to be honest with you, I'm held back in that. I left university early, so don't have a degree, and my mother (even though I live independently 67 miles from her) tries to sabotage everything. When I went travelling, she even came into the STA (student travel agency) and tried to talk the travel agent out of selling me the trip :@.



I've sort of given up. I know what I want (to have a good life, to be needed and valued for my intellect and skills, to be at liberty, to be well travelled, to have praise for the things I have done, et al the other things that make the Western disease…) though I don't have the passion for it that I did when I was at sixth form school (our version of high school).
There will probably be something else I decide on before I've finished learning Arabic |-(….


Again, cheers for answering this thread.

 
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:08 PM   #9
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

I can relate to all you are saying about getting too many ideas and projects going, without ever seeing them all the way through. Finally I learned that it is atypical style of personality that I fit into, not so much a fault of mine. It is all about where we got our satisfaction in the world, some of us need to see a finished product as a sure sign of accomplishment. While others get their satisfaction out of the creation of the idea, and do not need to complete a finished product to feel success. Someone has to think, someone has to do. Some can do both, most only do the latter.

I do not have Asbergers that has has turned evil. I hope the very best for you.

 
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Old 10-24-2012, 08:12 PM   #10
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

I worried that I was having an episode of bipolar disorder when I was at school;
I went to a psychologist, and they just gave the Millon clinical multiaxel inventory, and told me that I was 'aggressive, passive aggressive (surely somewhat of a contradiction….), and also Narcissistic'. They didn't even investigate the possibility of type ii bipolar disorder. Also, of those disorders listed, only one is a diagnosis that still exists in the medical world. I'm thinking about lodging a complaint against that 'doctor' when I can find where I put the proof of it amongst the other psych junk….

However, at the time, I was having an awful time at the Arnewood sixth form in Hampshire, a ****** little school that's received a lot of criticism for having no complaints procedure (and then threatening to defamation sue people who complain against them in the only remaining way- emails, Internet, and the press). Also, I was going through my A Level exams to get into Uni, and I was the age group before the fees were tripled; that meant the whole school year group across the country were in a fierce competition against eachother, to go whilst uni was still cheap. I was also having to put up with my abusive, manipulative, mother.

I defy anybody to not score highly on a questionnaire for Narcissism when they're going through that ****.
I actually erected a gadsden flag in my bedroom at the time :L.


Nowadays, I'm not as fanatically narcissistic; the situation which required the Narcissism is gone as I'm no longer competing against millions for just thousands of university places. That's not to say I'm perfect, though, in society's standards.
Nor am I a weakling that can be stamped all over. Not after the abuse I've suffered without protesting. Now, I do protest.
A former teacher at a different school posted a question on yahoo answers asking if I were the most degenerate **** he'd ever taught. I screenshotted the question, emailed it to his headteacher, complained to yahoo, and had good old Mr A in court for defamation.
He won't be a teacher, anymore.


Lol.



Though, admittedly, I think Narcissism is an unfair diagnosis.
It is entirely culturally relative; example, Millon's test was composed in end of last century America, when, thanks to Clinton, there was high employment, decent standards of living, et al the other requirements for a Westerner to have healthy self esteem. However, our brains are adaptable- neuroplasticity- it's why human beings are able to adapt to survive in the wilds of Siberia, and the horn of Africa. If you go to a country with higher need to compete for any material wealth (and where it's impossible to survive without material wealth) you'll find high levels of people who would fit the diagnostic criteria for NPD.
Travelling alerts you to that. The UK, the Netherlands, Morocco, Italy, and places are brimming with people that could be labelled 'narcissists'. It's impossible to survive in those countries unless you fit the profiles.

 
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Old 10-26-2012, 03:45 PM   #11
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

I just wrote a great response to your post and it was lost in the atmosphere. DARN..

Let me try and re write it, sorry.

 
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Old 10-31-2012, 06:45 PM   #12
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Ok, lol, ha.

 
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Old 10-31-2012, 08:10 PM   #13
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Big question my friend, and I am still kicking myself for loosing my last response to the ether. Taking your question literally, I wonder why you choose to use the term personality disorder rather than a personality description. After all, with so many facets to each of our personalities, there is never one single description of any one person.

I think we all evolve through out our lives from one combination of strengths and weaknesses to another, until we reach our eventual combination. When your course takes you through very trying situations, again and again, as you describe there is bound to be bigger consequences. How we process pain and fear and hurt and anger is learned the hard way, right? The way out of it is hard too, but it is worth a solid try.

Whatever words or terms are used to describe us, it is up to us to decide how much weight those words will have on our self worth. If we find that we have given those words enough weight to hold us down, we need to release enough of it to life off again.

Last edited by writeleft; 10-31-2012 at 11:31 PM.

 
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Old 11-07-2012, 09:16 AM   #14
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Hmmm… I don't know why. I used the term because it's the commonly used term. All differences in our modern society are labelled as 'disorder', though.
Lol.

 
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Old 11-12-2012, 02:39 PM   #15
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Re: Could I have a personality disorder, or could it just be Asperger's turned evil?

Really, I just want somebody to explain what I could be in a psychological sense.
I sometimes wonder if I could be a sociopath; thing is, yah, I can be very superficially charming. If you have some use to me in some sense, such as the ability to promote me or serve me well in some manner (such as in an overcrowded restaurant or whatever) you will think I'm the most amazing person you've met. I will be charismatic, generous, and easy going.
This, obviously, is just an act.


Of course, it could be that I'm an Aspie who, through the meaningless 5hit that is life, has socialised themselves into being able to fake humanity and emotions for their own good. You know, aspergers is a 'syndrome'. We're not all anoraks called Roger who stim themselves to a sweat over the local steam train museum opening up.

Hard to tell, really.

 
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