Is there something wrong?? HELP?
I know I do things I shouldn't, but...I just do.
I don't feel anything toward my behaviors or others. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me, I just did what others did because thats normal right? For instance, I have had 3 relationships - all long term, with 9 months being the shortest. Now, I was always highly annoyed or indifferent about all these men (I'm an 18 year old female), and kind of stuck with them because thats what normal people do, yes? I thought they just find someone to find someone. All these relationships were just sexual, I often used sex to get what I wanted out of them. I didn't love any of these people, in fact...I don't know if I really love anyone. I just have my goals, and do what I do to achieve them. My parents, my family, my siblings...I dont know how I feel about them. If I lost any of them I'm doubtful that I'd feel sad or something. Well, I did lose a brother and I didn't feel anything. I just kind of felt like I was a child and had my toy taken away but that passed.
I'm not emotional, in any way. I'm not that type of person and when my emotions seem different, I conform to what other people around me are doing.
I lie, consistently. I just do, its like its part of me. I do it to get what I want, for my own agendas, or for sheer observation purposes. I don't know, I just do. I steal things, partly because I'm good at it and partly because I feel entitled too it? Maybe? I don't feel empathy or apathy for anything I've done.
I drink a lot, and smoke a lot of weed...you know, in my off time.
Oh, one of the most messed up things that I acknowledge was messed up but I have NO IDEA why I did it - I gave myself NASTY bruises by basically beating the crap out of myself and led my friends to think my latest boyfriend had done it. I don't know why I did it, I just did. It was...fun?
Sometimes I annually beat myself just to feel...something. Anything, pain, something.
People tell me I can be intimidating, sometimes when I make eye contact. They ask me, "Don't you feel odd when I stare at you blankly?" and truth is, no, no I don't. I could stare on end at someone, smiling while doing so. I don't know if this contributes to anything but I thought I'd mention it.
Obviously, when I think about these things...yes, I'm probably different. Though, I've never considered it.
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