Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Pa, Us
Possible Personality Disorder developing?
Hi everyone. I have been diagnosed with Depression, OCD, anxiety, and an eating disorder that is in remission. More recently, I am starting to worry that maybe I have a mild form of Bipolar Disorder OR some type of personality disorder, specifically Borderline. I majored in Psychology and am planning to go to grad school to become a child psychologist. I tend to analyze things A LOT but I am still worried about myself. I have always been a moody and anxious person. In the last few years, it's gotten worse. Since I have been in my first serious relationship, I have gotten worse, even though it's a healthy relationship. At times, I will become very indifferent and confused about my feelings for him. My mind will turn and turn about whether I love him, want to be with him, if he is right for me, etc. I become very sensitive, emotional, and depressed. I begin having crying spells and my energy levels dip. One minute I think I want to break up with him, the next minute I say no. When I'm with him, I don't enjoy our time together anymore and I make a big deal out of small things. He has been SO supportive and patient with me, never giving up. Finally, after another whirlwind of emotional instability and crying spells for the last month, I told him 6 days ago that I want to take a break. Now I feel rejected because he hasn't been talking to me as much. Well, duh, I told him we are taking a break. Well, I guess I want him to chase after me, declare his love for me! I should add that we have had more happy times than bad, but as of lately, not so much. I have had periods of feeling happy in love followed by a short period of confusion, doubt, and depression. I am such a smart person, but sometimes think unrealistically. Lately, when I feel rejected or upset, I have been getting the thought of cutting myself. I have never done it before but have had the thoughts in the past, specifically when I struggled with my eating disorder more. I know it's not going to help me in any way, but yet the thought still pops in my head. I have had problems with anger in the past many times, often throwing things, screaming, swearing, or hitting myself in the head when I get mad.
I am also a very insecure person. I used to worry about my boyfriend cheating on me, leaving me, getting sick of me, etc. Then the longer we were together, I realized that he really loves me and he is a wonderful person. (Truely, he is.) Well then I started doubting my feelings for him. My mind would turn all day with questions like, "How do I know hes the one, What if this doesn't work out in the future, blah blah blah." Everytime i see one little inperfection or thing i don't like, I worry we aren't right for each other. In reality, we are compatible in many ways, especially on important life subjects. I do love him, I want it to work. However, i'm very concerned about myself. I have been so unstable lately. I don't know if all this is due to my depression, anxiety, and insecurities or what. I mean aside from my emotional problems, I have a stable life. I'm a college graduate, I have a good job, etc. I don't do anything impulsive. I don't drink or do drugs. My sleep patterns are very normal. However, I still feel internally that something is not right. I can't seem to figure out what I want. Nothing pleases me. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I can't relax. i can't enjoy things. I'm quite and introverted a lot. I'm sure there is more I could say but this is long enough. Any input would be appreciated. I'm all worked up and worried about myself.