I'm 21. I got to college. I'm an accounting major. Never really had any severe childhood trauma. While looking up the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, I came across abandonment issues. And I think I may have that. When I was a kid, I would always worry and cry that my parents were going to get killed in a car accident whenever they left me and my sister at home. In addition, when I went to boarding school in a different country I had the same thoughts.
I'm in college now. In a different city within the state and I dont feel like that anymore. I don't worry about my parents dying in a car accident. Not because I dont care, but just because it doesn't seem likely.
In general, I know I'm an individual with low self-esteem, low self confidence, high curiousity, over-thinking mind. I'm fairly sure I have some form of anxiety or maybe OCD.
It seems like my mind will always try to convince me of something to worry about. Something that will drastically effect my life and effect it always negatively.
I guess my entire basis of thinking I have this disorder was due to my current relationship with my first gf. We both met in college and for the first 5-6 months it was great. I did have issues of insecurity and thoughts that she may actually not like me or may use me during this time, but regardless of those, I didnt hate her ever and in fact really liked her. But those eventually feelings of insecurity subsided until I started worrying about whether or not I was physically attracted to her. I'm still not sure. And that is what has generally been bothering me.
But it seems like my opinion about the relationship continuously change and that is ultimately what I'm basing my fear of having bpd off of. I enjoy almost all the time I spend with her but I feel like I maybe cheating her of a real relationship if I'm not physically attracted to her and then I start to think that it might be best to leave her. But it seems like whenever I want to leave her, I become extremely depressed and want to stay. I've never abused her emotionally or physically. I guess, you can say that I may have emotionally abused her by telling her that I'm not sure about our relationship. But I've never verbally abused her. I know I'm not that kind of person.
But it seems like people in general my age have difficult deciding what they want in a relationship.
When I'm alone, I do get a feeling of emptiness and I did have this feeling before I met my current/first gf. But that feeling went away when I had things to do or I was with friends/people. I dont know if that is just cause of depression.
I've never indulged in abuse of alcohol or drugs. I was over-thinking the scenario, to the point where I ended up at the conclusion that she may marry someone else and I'll never find someone that will make me as happy. When I think about it now, I know I was over-reacting.
Another interesting and scary symptom is the notion of mood swings. I don't really experience rage or anger. I've read that symptoms of bpd are mood swings between irratabilty and anger. I don't experience that. In fact, I will go from life is good and things are looking up to maybe not everything is good and I have problems. It is during this period of "problems" that I start to worry about something and over analyze situations.
I can change my opinion of topics quite quickly depending on the people I'm with. For instance, one moment I maybe pro something and when i'm with someone else i might be against it. But if I'm by myself I do have an opinion about most things but I do change them occasionally.
Im scared. What do you guys think?
Last edited by Administrator; 07-29-2013 at 12:39 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to nsg332: CoffyDrinker711 (08-29-2013)
I have reread your note a few times and you sound like the next person that goes through many scenarios and concerns. You sound considerate, thoughtful and pretty much in tact. You do seem to over analyse situations and dynamics.
Your fear of losing your parents at a younger age is identifiable and causes natural insecurities as what would happen to us without them at that age. Fear of loss is a natural human process because we need people in our lives in order to feel secure, loved etc.
If you were in a relationship as in 'friends with benefits' ending it would be easy, simplistic but when it comes to human emotion a lot comes into play because you are caring and compassionate.
Basically, sit with yourself and be honest about this relationship and if you want anything from it. Do not string her along for an extended amount of time if you are having doubts about physical attraction because it does affect the other aspects of what makes an honest, open and trustworthy relationship.
As far as Borderline Personality Disorder, it sounds like you do not have it but you do have an over active mind.
Should your concerns still be persistent and troubling to you, go see a psychiatrist to do a clinical evaluation.
Best of luck and remember we are all only human.
Take good care
__________________ Knowing the difference helps to make the changes...
You sound like a bright, caring guy with a wonderful future that is trying to figure things out. Give yourself room and space to grow and be strong- you'll do many things right and many things wrong but that's what being human is all about.