I'm Taurus, first of all sorry for my bad english, I'm italian!
I've been diagnosized with an "obsessive-phobic neurosis" 2 years ago because I have a huge fear of developing schizophrenia or already being schizophrenic!
All this chaos started when I had a bad period in my life and I thought that mental illness were very scary (my granny has Alzheimer)! I began searching on the net for symptoms,first of various mental disturbs, then of schizophrenia, in order to reassure myself by saying,for example "See?You don't have hallucinations or delusions etc. so you don't have to worry" but this searching has sorted the opposite effect because I started to fear every symptom I read about and when I am on a "searching tour" I am nearly sure I've everything, it seems to me like I challenge myself in virtually recreating these symptoms, for example: "Ok you don't have this, but what if you had it? Let's try to recreate it, if you fail, you don't have it!" and of course everytime I play this game, I lose, because even if I am certainly unable of recreating hallucinations, I can recreate other things like paranoia etc.
I don't believe in these thought but they're so automatic that I think "Oh, you've thought it directly, without a "what if", so you believe it!You're schizophrenic!".
I'm always seeking reassurance either by searching on the net, or by asking my mother which is a medic, and even if she says that I'm well and that I suffer from anxiety and phobias because I'm in a delicate moment of my youth (21 years!) I'm always obsessed that maybe everyone is wrong or they're unable to see the illness because I've read (hehe
) that the prodromal phase of schizophrenia is difficult to diagnosize! So I start to think that I'm more isolated than before and that it seems that I don't love anyone anymore, and I freak out because I start to think it's the onset of schizophrenia.
Another thing that reassures me is the "lack of insight" typical of schizoprenic people, but I've read 2 sites where it was said that only 50-60% of schizophrenic people have lack of insight...and so I thought "Oh God, maybe I'm one of the 40% which don't have lack of insight!"...but I'm sure that even if it was 99% I would have obsessed myself about that 1% possibility
The things I fear the most are: schizophrenia (with all the symptoms: paranoia, delusions etc.), hurting my parents or girlfriend, that I don't love anyone (so I'm schizophrenic), and in general the most stupid things that my mind can create.
Also, is there anyone that has absurd thoughts about coincidences or signs about something?For example, I see in a library a book called "Without blood" and I think "Oh, maybe it's a sign that I must kill people without bloodshed?" and then I think how silly is that thought and I panic because I thought it!
Please, help me, I don't want to ruin my life because of these thoughts, and I want to be sure I'm not crazy!It's normal to have these thoughts? I suffer from anxiety and anxiety people never go crazy...is it true?
I don't take any drugs because I don't believe in them, and there are periods where I'm very well and full of energies! I'm also a Reiki practicionier, an oriental discipline that focuses on healing energy, and this helped alot!