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Old 08-11-2004, 08:12 AM   #1
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Question Commitment Phobia - any advice?

I have been in a wonderful, supportive relationship with a man for over a year. The first 6 months were nothing short of a fairy tale come true for me. He was all those wonderful things I had wanted and searched for in a partner. After that 6 months, he all of a sudden did a complete turnaround and started backing off from me for no reason. I have done some research and think he is a Commitment Phobic. Through all this, he has been just as confused as I have been as to why all of a sudden he feels so suffocated by this relationship. We live about 90 miles apart and have never really been physically together a lot, but had made every attempt to get together on weekends or if we wasn't working during the week, he'd come see me. That has all stopped and now I can barely get him to call me once a week. It is devastating to think how very much he loved me and how well we fit together and that this is what our relationship has come to. I love this man unconditionally and want nothing more than to help him overcome this issue. He says that he knows he still loves me as much as he ever did, it's just that now there's a barrier up and he doesn't know how to break that barrier down so that his love can flow freely for me once again. Has anyone out there had any experience with going thru this but most importantly I want to know if I'm spinning my wheels and wasting my time by waiting around to see if he gets over it and we can have a great relationship again or should I realize that he won't get over this and I need to let go and move on? Any advice would be SO beneficial to an already very confused woman.

 
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Old 08-11-2004, 09:00 AM   #2
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Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. He maybe commmit phobic, but maybe he is not being truely honest with you about his feelings. Is he content hardly ever seeing you and barely talking to you anymore? It sounds like he is just slowly pulling away from you until oneday he doesn't call anymore. Well, he could go to counseling if he really wants to fix this problem and figure out what his deal is. You said you have done research on commitment phobics then you are also aware that they normally don't change so sticking around in your case maybe a waste of time. I know you love this man, but you will get to a point where you'll have to decide if you are happy this way. I would suggest you find someone that puts into the relationship as you put in. You deserve that. I know he was "perfect" the first 6 months, but is her all you ever wanted in a partner nowadays? I think if you want marriage and so forth you are probably wasting your time with this guy. If he really wants a relationship and wants to be with you, he would, or he would at least seek help for his problem. He has you right where he wants you. Show him that you love him, but you love yourself too and if hes not willing to give you want he used to give then you'll go elsewhere. Good luck

 
Old 08-11-2004, 09:11 AM   #3
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Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

Oh girl, I feel your pain. I had a commitment-phobic boyfriend a few years ago and it was complete h*ll! You need to focus on yourself right now and what is best for you. Take care of YOU! There is nothing you can do to "help" him overcome HIS issues. It's not about you; it's about him. Your responsibility is YOU. I agree 100% with what the elatedgiraffe said. Please, please, please read these books: Men Who Can't Love; He's Scared, She Scared; and What Smart Women Know

 
Old 08-11-2004, 09:22 AM   #4
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Lightbulb Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

Thanks for the replies! I know you are both right and I need to focus on me and what I need. I am miserable and have been for 6 months. I suppose what keeps me hanging on are the memories of that "fairy tale" period and the hopes that this will come back somehow...that's what my heart says but my brain has been beating the s*it out of my heart for the last 3 months because it knows it's right. He knows I love him and that I want nothing more than to help him thru this but he doesn't show any signs of the desire to fix it so we'll chalk it up to "HIS LOSS", some valuable experience gained and I'll attempt to mend this shattered heart of mine. Thanks-

 
Old 08-11-2004, 09:26 AM   #5
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Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

oh, and I'll definitely do some reading!

 
Old 08-12-2004, 09:51 AM   #6
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Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HRinNC
. I suppose what keeps me hanging on are the memories of that "fairy tale" period and the hopes that this will come back somehow...
Yes that is the problem with comminitment phobic relationships...it's so confusing. One day the person was so loving, attentive, caring, open etc, and then BOOM, they are totally different. It's like a roller coaster. You want to believe and hope that things will go back to how they were before. I think you will really appreciate these books and be able to relate to the stories in them from other women. They will say things that will make it sound like you were dating the same guys that these women were. It's actually really creepy and sad. Especially the "Men Who Can't Love" book....it's excellent and I think you will really relate to so much of it. It lets you know that you are not alone and that many women have had the same exact experiences. Good luck :-)

Last edited by daisyheadmaisy; 08-12-2004 at 09:51 AM.

 
Old 08-12-2004, 12:03 PM   #7
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Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

HRinNC--
Good luck to you. I'm glad you found some of this advice here helpful. I do encourage you to read some of these books daisy suggested. Sounds to me since shes been through it she knows what shes talking about. You know it is his loss because oneday you'll have your husband and your kids and he'll be 57, ALONE. Oh, and for some support for meding your shattered heart check out the "relationships" boards on here, they are great!

 
Old 08-12-2004, 12:26 PM   #8
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

There's also something to be said about the "challenge of the conquest".
Some guys go hot & heavy until they've actually won your heart.
Then it seems that once that goal is reached, some turn around and head back to where they started out...

A true commitmentphobic guy will have a history of broken relationships that he bolted from - do you know any of his history??

 
Old 08-13-2004, 11:06 AM   #9
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auntchilada HB User
Re: Commitment Phobia - any advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
HRinNC--
You know it is his loss because one day you'll have your husband and your kids and he'll be 57, ALONE.
Soooooo true!!!!!!!
I am married now and couldn't be happier. Now I look back, and I am GLAD that he left me. It definately was a blessing in disguise. Guess what, he's still alone and the same way.

 
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