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Old 10-22-2005, 09:04 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2005
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TheGreatVorelli HB User
How do I get him past his commitment phobia?

(This is pretty long,sorry)

I just got out of a long term/long distance relationship with a man thats obviously seriously afraid of commitment. First off. We do have a age diffrence. I am 19 and he is 32. The age doesnt mean anything to me or him. he doesnt treat me any diffrent from it. We have been together now off and on for 3 years. I am,so he says "his first REAL girlfriend" Which I believe cause he isnt some sleazy guy that just goes out with a ton of diffrent girls.

Okay-Now to the problem.

I stayed with him about 8 months out of each year we were together. The problem started when I went home to "visit" my family. Every time I did this he would break up with me and make stupid excuses for it,then a month or so later he always would say how he misses me and wants me back so we could "try" and make it work. So I would go back-That went on about 8 times. Thats when i first knew he must have a serious problem.

When we were together we would be fine and he would be so loving and seem very committed. The only time we would have these problems is when I would leave. This last time we were together it was better than ever. We got along great and it seemed as tho we were more happy cause we had finally got to where we worked thru all our ups and downs and found ways to get around those. and HE was even seriously talking about us getting married,and I believed him.

Then I left to go home and It all happend again. I didnt expect that. Its been total hell for 4 months now.

My self esteem was shot-I couldnt understand what i did wrong,he kept being so cold and distant and like a whole diffrent person,but thru it all I still felt love for him but also so very sick of everything.

Iv been trying everything up til about 1 month ago I just stopped cause it seemed to make things worse.Finally I just started acting as tho I dont care and have moved on with my life and have been feeling better. We have been talking normal and he is being his old self now.

We do talk everyday but mostly just as "friends" This last week I told him how I miss him and wish we could try and be together again and not think about anything else,and he says how he misses me too and does love me still but things wouldnt work out cause there are too many things he is worried about. The thing is the things he said he is worried about is always in the far future tho-Such as ("What if in 10 years from now you get bored with how we are and wanna date other people",or "What if something happens to me and I cant take care of you or us anymore")That all just sounds so stupid to me and nothing I can say or do makes him feel any diffrent about it.

He admits he has a problem and needs help but is unwilling to want to get it or try and make us work. My question is if he does love me still and I love him why cant he just wait and try. We NEVER have these problems when we are together,ever. I love him so much and I do want to be with him. I just dont kno what to do or how to get him back. What can I do?

 
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Old 10-22-2005, 09:30 PM   #2
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wildamber HB User
Re: How do I get him past his commitment phobia?

Hi,I think U allready know the answer to this one.This Guy seems pretty insecure why I don't know?But Please Don't let him Make U Feel as if it is Your FAULT,it's probaly Not!
Why not tell Him either Marry U or cut him loose?Why is he thinking So Far down the road?Live for Today and if this guy Loves U as much as U Love Him,why wouldn't he Marry U?
I wish U well....

 
Old 10-22-2005, 10:48 PM   #3
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TheGreatVorelli HB User
Re: How do I get him past his commitment phobia?

I kno what you mean. I would like us to be married one day but i try not to push him and everything cause I kno how he is,and I believe he would come around if we stayed together. but it just shoulsnt hafta be that way. I have NO idea why he is thinking so far ahead-He always does and thats what makes me so mad is cause thats the only reason as to why we cant be together now..It makes no sence at all to me..It just really gets so annoying but i cant help the way I feel..I wish I could.

Thanks for the reply!

 
Old 10-23-2005, 06:40 AM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,776
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: How do I get him past his commitment phobia?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGreatVorelli
I kno what you mean. I would like us to be married one day but i try not to push him and everything cause I kno how he is,and I believe he would come around if we stayed together. but it just shoulsnt hafta be that way. I have NO idea why he is thinking so far ahead-He always does and thats what makes me so mad is cause thats the only reason as to why we cant be together now..It makes no sence at all to me..It just really gets so annoying but i cant help the way I feel..I wish I could.

Thanks for the reply!
I dated a man like that too around 5 years ago. I was so crazy about him. He did the same thing. He would just disappear for weeks at a time, and then out of the blue, I would hear from him again and he would want to start up again.

There are men that are simply incapable or unwilling to commit and he sounds like one of them. Don't waste anymore time with this man!

The man I mentioned above caused me nothing but anguish and the relationship really did a number of my self esteem. Don't do this to yourself.

The best advice I can give is to completely ignore him if he contacts you again. Then, all you can do is "cry and find a new guy." Good luck.

 
Old 10-23-2005, 10:17 AM   #5
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Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: How do I get him past his commitment phobia?

I'm sorry, but if he's done this more than 8 times already, I'm afraid that's the pattern he has. Yes, he does sound commtimentphobic. A man of 32 shouldn't be breaking up with you constantly and getting back together. He should be more mature than that. I know it's very hard becaus you love and remember all the good times, but if you stay with him, it will always be a crazy rollercoaster ride. You will always worry that he will break up with you when he gets into his "scared" mode and you will never be able to relax and enjoy the relationship. It's tormenting to be with a man like that. I think you are way too young to be putting up with this and especially from a man so much older than you. He has no idea how lucky he is to be with you. You should put your foot down and cut him out of your life so he can't just come back whenever he wants to and play with your heart again.

 
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