Just needed an outlet to let out all these feelings I have had.
Monday was a good day - had a nice day out and was kept busy - no time to think.
That seems to be my problem at the moment - when I am on my own and have too much time to think. I work in a primary school at the moment so we are on holiday and for the last two weeks I have not been working.
I had the opportunity to work in a day nursery yesterday but I turned it down and have felt guilty and depressed ever since. The reason I turned it down is due to bad experiences I have had in these settings before so much so that I suffered from depression, stress, anxiety attacks and a real phobia to go in.
I knew we needed the money but just had such an attack of nerves and upset that I couldn't do it.
I am now dreading the summer holidays which will be long and the possibility that the school will not ask me back or take me on permanently and could not face stepping foot back in a day nursery it will seriously affect my health alot more than it is at the moment.
I really don't know what job I could do apart from this as this is all I have ever known. Really tearful, down and low. Felt extremely lonely in the flat on my own - too much thinking.
I think I have just found it harder these past couple of weeks when I get back to work next week it will keep my mind occupied.
I seem to have no problem being around people - I have always had a low self esteem and confidence and had to force myself to appear ok and confident in front of people even when I have been really shy.
I think what I am finding difficult now - is what direction to take in terms of my career and making my life more fulfilled - if I am really honest I don't really do alot of things for myself or what I enjoy doing. I love my husband buckets but at the moment all I feel I live for is work - I dont really have any interests outside of it and I know this is something I need to change.
I can relate! I have too much time on my hands as I work part-time and get off work every day at 11. Lately, I've been so depressed that I just take a nap till about 4. (I still sleep fine at night- I always sleep too much when I'm depressed)
I used to throw myself into work when I got like this but hate my job,.
I could very well pick up hours but I HATE IT THERE.
I need a hobby and/or a different part-time job that I enjoy.
I probably just answered my own "questions."
Funny how that happens sometimes.
You hang in there- maybe an enjoyable job this summer?
Make it not about the money but about keeping busy at something you like?
Real phobia - too much time on my hands 
