Stigma

I don't know where to start... I feel like I'm completely crazy and totaly beyond help in comparison to everyone else who needs it. I've always been a shy child, suffered from depression & eating disorders throughout most of my teens and never felt socially accepted. There was a time when I envied all those "popular" people who had their little groups in highschool and college, but now I absolutely hate people. I don't want to go near them. I'm happiest when I'm by myself, yet that's when I seem to get most depressed. I never EVER give an answer to anything being asked in class, let alone ask a question or raise an issue.. It's like someone's glued my mouth and I can't talk, yet I feel very self-conscious all the time. Now, this is especially intense, b/c I've gained so much weight lately due to pure binge eating.

I feel soooo stressed and depressed that all I wanna do is cry and sometimes I uncontrollably sob and think that no one loves me or understands me. I've been thinking a lot lately about taking my own life but I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I've tried to see a few different psychiatrists, but I would always give up on therapy after the first time b/c 1) I feel I'm beyond help, 2) They're too quick to prescribe medication that I'm sick of taking b/c it hasn't helped ever at all!

When ever there were periods where I would begin to feel a little better about myself (usually when ever I was losing weight on my way towards anorexia), I would *begin* to force myself to do "scary" things such as casually start a conversation with a class mate, get out of the house more and begin to build a circle of "friends," but it's always been incredibly difficult for me... Now, I've completely isolated myself, I feel ugly and I feel that I have no strength left to once again try to do these things and put so much effort into what comes to most people so naturally. As for love relationships? I'm only 22 and I don't even know what they are! I don't let anyone approach me and I'm destined to be alone forever this way.

I know, this is a long rant, and I'm sorry... I'm really hoping that at least one person can empathize and reply, b/c I need all the encouragment I can get right now. Thanks.