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Old 11-25-2003, 01:47 PM   #1
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Betsy HB User
falling apart since I admitted what happened

Hello I am new here and I am in need of some advice.

I was molested by my brother in lay when I was 10. I never told a soul. My sister had a two year old and a newborn and I was mature enough to know that it would totally destroy her if she ever found out. I have kept this a secret from EVERYONE. I am now 35 and after a divorce I am a newly married. At the evening meal my oldest daughter was telling us about a girl in her school that was raped. My new husband is always very tuned in to what I am thinking ...he notices the smallest changes in my facial expressions and behavior. He later aksed me straightout if that type of thing had ever happened to me ...(I hate liars so I told the truth...I told him it had and who had done it but no details of the incident. I thought that was the end of it but now all of a sudden I have started having a lot of difficulty with one particular way in which he touches me. He felt his manhood was threatened by my saying to him that I did not like that. After a ugly argument and him demanding to know the details of the molestation I was ready to pack my bags. I CANNOT tell him what happpened. I will leave first. I feel like as long as nobody knew what happened I was fine but now that someone knows it is like the door was cracked and I cannot get it shut BUT I cannot look behind it either. I am having trouble sleeping and concentrating and I am terribly irritable. My new husband and I have come to terms witheach other and he has told me he will stand by me and be patient but that he thinks I neeed some counceling and that he fears I am suffering form PTSD. WHat is all your takes on the deal and do I really have to tell anyone the details..........I am not sure I am strong enough to do that.

 
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Old 11-26-2003, 04:28 PM   #2
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ski head HB User
Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

I have expeirenced the same situation but I block the rape for 38 yrs and then I remembered it. Let me tell you do need to see a councilor and you do most likely have PTS I do and I am trying to deal with it but it will get worse before it will get better. If you don't get help the syptoms that you are experiencing will get worse. I know from my own experience and it was bound to come out sooner or later. Let your husband help you through this hardship in your life it will be best for both of you if you let him be there when you need him

 
Old 11-26-2003, 07:31 PM   #3
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rainonwindow HB User
Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

It is not necessary for you to give details unless you want to. Feeling pressured to give details is probably contributing to your distress. Bending your wishes to someone else's when you do not feel right about it will decrease your sense of personal control and boundaries. My guess is that would be the last thing you need right now. Be careful in regards to therapy. There is a lot of 'bad' trauma therapy out there. Don't believe that it is necessary to feel worse before you feel better. That is not true. Good therapy will keep you feeling 'centered' even when you deal with a difficult topic. Having a hard time does not mean that you need to go to therapy. It is for you to decide whether or not you feel that talking will help you. It is possible that with the passage of more time - you will feel better and counseling will not be a consideration. Good luck - wish you the best.

 
Old 12-27-2003, 05:23 AM   #4
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Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

Dear Betsy I understand what you are going thru.I am seeimg a pyschologist at the moment with issues relating to my fathers death 21 years ago.We covered that topic and I was making good progress until one day I decided to tell him how my first boyfriend on our first date "forced" himself on me.He asked me many gentle questions and I answered him truthfully.He explained to me that as I didnt consent and I tried to force him off that I had been a victim of date rape.I argued with the pyschologist saying it was my own fault for being on my own in an isolated place with this guy but he constantly calls it rape.I had never told anyone about it before,in fact, I had hardly thought about it...putting it down to being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person..taking the blame for being so stupid at 19 years old to trust this guy.I have told my husband since and at first he was shocked (he actually knows the guy involved ) but now he is very understanding .My main point here is the words "date rape" are constantly in my head,I am now getting "flashbacks" of the incident,I am jumpy and anxious and all because I talked about what happened 19 years ago.I feel like I should have kept this secret to myself because that way it could only hurt me,but all these years later it is affecting my husband and kids.I have great faith in my pyschologist,however, and after the Xmas break we are going to tackle this issue in more detail as he now sees the link between the rape and my VERY low self esteem and my health problems (gastro,thyroid and depression) I expect this is going to take a long time as I have been carrying around this secret for half of my life.I suspect that I have been suffering from Posttraumatic Stress for all this time especially since the symptoms seem to fit and I reckon the same can be said in your case, even though the trauma happened many years ago it was never addressed at the time and so it seems like it has just happened even though some details may be vague.I hope you receive some counselling for this Betsy and be free from the torment as I hope to be soon...Love to all victims of tramatic events out there
JayJay2

 
Old 12-29-2003, 09:05 PM   #5
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EveLee HB User
Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

Two years ago, I attend a five day workshop on the effects of trauma on adults and children. I chose the workshop because I work in a school district with at-risk youth, providing groups and other programs. However, I became very interested in the segment on PTSD. I continued to find tools to determine potential for PTSD. I did fit the profile. Then, I began to have a lot of anxiety, more than usual.

I was most intrigued about the symptoms of PTSD, like intrusive thoughts, memories that pop out of no where, anxiety attacks, etc. I have had all of those all of my life, but, have kept them secret. In fact, I have spent much of my life managing myself, making sure I looked normal from the outside so no one would ever know what was going within me or who I really was. My body began to come apart. I'm 56 and everything hurts. I've been a very active person, now everything hurts.

I found a new dr at UM Hospital. Did I get lucky. I wrote on my form that I needed her to help keep my body safe while I healed my mind. She heard me and sent me to many specialists.

I began therapy with a psychologist again. Luckily, I found one who is excellent. Remember, I'm a certified trauma specialist. He understands a lot; when he doesn't, I tell him.

The most powerful thing in my entire life has been SAYING what happened to me, saying the thoughts that come to my head, expressing the feelings I feel. Once I tell, I get a bit of release, each time, there is release.

I can't tell you what to do, but, I can tell you that the best thing I have ever done is get the medical and psychological help that I so much need.

The first 50 years of my life were a facade. At fifty, I fell apart after I lost 5 people in one year. I was physically sick, tired, depressed. But, I still went to work every day and did my job, came home and cared for my children.

I began to get real, to figure out what is important in life. To face everything that I was and am. I am a person who lived in a family where sexual abuse and physical abuse were rampant. We lived in poverty. Very little appropriate love was ever expressed in that house. I created a place within myself where I could escape. I'm trying now not to need that place, to develop trust in this world and the people I love and who love me.

On my own, I left poverty, received a Masters Degree from University of Michigan, and began teaching children who lived in poverty. I still provide programs for those children. I want children like me to have a different experience. I want them to have someone to talk to about what's going on in their lives if they choose.

Life is not easy for us. We have been affected forever. Keeping the secrets is possible, but, you never know when the memories will pop into your head. My therapist tells me: Your thoughts are not who you are. So, who am I? Who are we?

My prayers and thoughts are with all of us tonight. There are many materials available re: PTSD. There is a center in Detroit that serves as a national resource for information. I do have lots of info from my training if anyone needs it. I certainly learned that I can't apply it to myself alone, I need the help of others.

 
Old 01-24-2004, 02:26 AM   #6
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pfunk HB User
Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

Believe me I understand that you don't want to say anything to you husband about the details. I don't think that you should feel like you have to until you feel like you want to. However, even though I distrust people a lot, I remain hopeful that there are caring people--kind men--in the world, so I wonder if his seeming pushiness is born of frustration in wanting to understand you and know what is going on. Maybe you should question him a little bit and see if his interest is something that seems comfortable to you. In my own case, I have always been sent the message by others that it was a very bad idea to share what happened to me, so now I couldn't if I wanted to and I really really do want to, but I don't think there's anyone I can trust. I think that you might be lucky enough to actually have someone who loves you that you can tell, so please, when you feel comfortable do tell him, for me.

 
Old 02-22-2004, 05:31 PM   #7
Mara
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Post Re: falling apart since I admitted what happened

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betsy
Hello I am new here and I am in need of some advice.

I was molested by my brother in lay when I was 10. I never told a soul. My sister had a two year old and a newborn and I was mature enough to know that it would totally destroy her if she ever found out. I have kept this a secret from EVERYONE. I am now 35 and after a divorce I am a newly married. At the evening meal my oldest daughter was telling us about a girl in her school that was raped. My new husband is always very tuned in to what I am thinking ...he notices the smallest changes in my facial expressions and behavior. He later asked me straight-out if that type of thing had ever happened to me ...(I hate liars so I told the truth...I told him it had and who had done it but no details of the incident. I thought that was the end of it but now all of a sudden I have started having a lot of difficulty with one particular way in which he touches me. He felt his manhood was threatened by my saying to him that I did not like that. After a ugly argument and him demanding to know the details of the molestation I was ready to pack my bags. I CANNOT tell him what happened. I will leave first. I feel like as long as nobody knew what happened I was fine but now that someone knows it is like the door was cracked and I cannot get it shut BUT I cannot look behind it either. I am having trouble sleeping and concentrating and I am terribly irritable. My new husband and I have come to terms with each other and he has told me he will stand by me and be patient but that he thinks I need some counseling and that he fears I am suffering form PTSD. What is all your takes on the deal and do I really have to tell anyone the details..........I am not sure I am strong enough to do that.

I'm sorry but to clarify, did you mean brother in law? I will assume this is whom you meanÖI am very sorry for what you are going through. Itís good you get it out because this is corrosive to the soul. Let me just say, you are strong enough to deal with this because you were strong enough to open up about it after 25 years. That is not a sign of someone weakened. Quite to the contrary, I think you are stronger.

Your daughters mentioning the assault of a schoolgirl struck a nerve and brought the past after many years of being buried and has caused these memories to be fresh, like it was yesterday. It is understandable you and your husband reacted as you have. I agree with him that you need help dealing with this and back him on that. As far as divulging the details of this assault, I donít think it is necessary at this point in time. You could explain that it would cause you to relive an already painful event in your life and that it could potentially do more harm then good. Should you decide your ready to share this, it may be better if you did so while at a therapy setting, more prepared to handle it properly. Ask him to be patient and that itís hard right now. You should most definitely speak to a professional counselor or a priest, someone qualified and ask for guidance.

The first thing I hope you understand & realize is that you were in no way responsible or to blame at all for what happened to you. What this entrusted adult did to you was wrong and is fully to blame. You are not responsible for keeping that family intact by not telling your sister that he hurt you. You had a right to be in safe keeping and should have been. You donít have to carry that around anymoreÖ

You have a new life, a new husband and deserve the opportunity at happiness for a rewarding and fulfilling personal relationship with each other. I think with help, you will get through this and be stronger. The fact that you were able to tell him says to me that you trust him & that you were able to even address this tells me you are stronger now then in the past...

Does this man pose a threat to children even though he is older today? I think it is possible. I donít think these types of crimes are isolated incidents. I am unfamiliar with the psychology of child molestation but think that your nieces and nephews were at risk at the time and today, grandchildren or any other child he comes in contact with are potentially at risk. Itís a sickness. Without treatment does it cease? Progress? I don't know what to suggest in how exactly to go about outing this without upset but do think other childrenís safety weigh in the balance as well as your own healing in coming to terms with it so you can move beyond it (itís possible). Somehow your sister should know you were hurt. She may not accept what you have to say, she may reject you out of her own denial or even think you are not telling the truth, it's a possibility but there again, it is not your fault because this was an assault done to a child. Could you prevent this from happening again? Could it happen again? Children can be manipulated to feel tremendous guilt that it is on them to protect the family even if it is at there own expense, that somehow it is there fault but itís not. Children are innocents. You are the adult now and have the tools to get help & hope you do. The memories may not go away but you can heal from them, the pain so the memory is less vivid and fades, has less emotional value and becomes vague and very distant. With help you can achieve that and more. You are on your way to healing. I will be praying for you tonight Betsy. Know that someone out there, in the mornings this week will be offering up her day for your peace.

Last edited by Gemi; 02-22-2004 at 05:32 PM.

 
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