inyo

hello everyone, this is my first time on this board.

among my many other medical conditions, i think i have ptsd, even though i havent been officially dx.

ive had chronic pain for about 8yrs, and it has really taken my down to places i thought i would never be/go. its basically taken my life away from me...i know i should (and i am) grateful for what i do have. but i was so active before i got thoracic outlet syndrome, and had unsuccessful surgery...i was so active.

i was in the army...i was a police ofc/detective, played sports w/my son, our family used to go out regularly to do outdoor activities. then all that stopped.
ive tried everything i know to try and "beat" this, but i just cant, nor can i accept it (though i truly embrace zen buddhist "philosophy").

among the many narcotics and sedatives i take, i just recently started taking "risperdal"...ive read that it is used for mood disorders and ptsd.

i just feel like such a burden on my family and societly for that matter...ive always worked in service-oriented jobs...now what can i provide?

im always thinking about my "situation", and "will i be able to continue to provide for my family"? (im on fed work/comp and ssdi), or will someday, the bottom just drop out of the barrell? i know things like these happen.
we have a modest middle class home...that we have worked hard for, and this is an approved job related condition(s)...TOS & DEPRESSION.
yet it seems as though they do everything in their power to try and get your claim dis-approved, then what happens to you and your family? do they care?...dont they realize that i (anyone that i know), would much rather be working and living a "normal" life compared to what i/we go through.

so on top of our conditions...we are bombarded with beuracracy that is designed to frustrate us, add stress to an already stressful situation...and it apparently never ends.
those who we entrust to take care of us in a situation that no one expects to find themselves in, these very agencies, put us thru the "ringer", and for me anyway, have overwhelmed me...to the point that my mind constantly focuses on the fact that..."this is what i have to expect for the rest of my life", (along with deteriorating health).
due to the constant stress of all this,and perhaps med side effects...ive just recently been dx w/hypothyroidism, hashimoto's thyroidism, chronic fatigue, very low testosterone levels.

everyday, i literally develop anxiety symptoms when the mail comes.
not a week (or a few days) goes by, without something from work/comp, postal service, ssdi, medicare, attorney, politicians who have been helping me, etc,etc, comes in the mail...and there is usually some sort of problem that needs to be dealt with...i just dont know if i can ever accept this as being "my life", for the rest of my life (but what choice do i have)?i just cannot keep dealing with this "b.s" from the "system" on top of my conditions...and i/we shouldnt have to!

i know im just venting and feeling sorry for myself, but i cannot help but empathize with all the others being treated this way...its just not right!
we are fighting a war to protect the "american way", why cant we protect and take care of americans who truly need it? and that includes the soldiers who come home to inadequate treatment on many occasions.

if anyone has any helpful suggestions on accepting this condition, personal experiences etc., i would be grateful to hear them.

thank you for taking the time to read this...

sincerely
take care
inyo