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Old 12-05-2003, 06:31 AM   #1
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: taneytown, MD USA
Posts: 24
inyo HB User
trying to stay "focused"...

i imagine there are many others out there who feel the same way i do...while i try to maintain my faith/spiritual"ness", it is so hard to live in a house with a family who doesnt appreciate me anymore.
since ive been "disabled", i can feel the resentment from my wife and son...several years ago my son felt as though he didnt have to listen to me anymore(as, "just because i dont have a life, why should i interfere with his"?) and my wife has never done anything to stand beside me when it comes to disciplining our son. so the outcome has been..."he" now has no life (so to speak)...he cant keep a job...has no respect for anyone...nothing nice to say...wants everything given to him...doesnt feel he should have to save money for a car. why is this? my wife has felt guilty for him having to go thru all this (not making or even asking him to help out with things around the house that i cannot do anymore, so she takes that out on me also).and her feelings of guilt have caused her to give/do everything for our son, not forcing him to be at all responsible or motivated, as he knows that "mommy" will do it for him (he will be 20yrs old in jan.)!
everytime i would attempt to try and have a talk with him about responsibility, etc., my wife would openly disagree with me, and do everything for him, not teaching him to be responsible at all.
now we have a selfish, dishonest, disrespectful, iresponsible, uncaring son...and it hurts. he manipulates, and treats his mother like dirt...its unbelievable the way he talks to her (certainly not like a parent), its so disrespectful and rude, and even hostil (i dont say anything anymore). when i would intervene, my wife would NEVER confront him for talking like that, which is also how he responded when asked to do something around the house to help out, and instead of putting her foot down, she would just do it...and if i stepped in, she would say "its no big deal", and let him get away with he grew up knowing that he could get away with doing (or not doing) whatever he wanted.
hes was locked up for a month as a juvenile for grabbing his mom during a fight and putting a big bruise on her arm. hes been thru the juvenile system, house arrest, home detention (you name it).

yes...i know the family of a disabled/chronic pain person goes thru a lot also, and i continually have tried to talk and communicate regardings everyones feelings...but everyone else doesnt want to even deal with it...just let it fester until it blows up (which it has on several occasions).

i just dont know what to do anymore...i cant handle the continuous negative energy in this house, and no one even really talks to each other anymore.
there has been no intimacy in our lives for years...and i could even handle that, if it was "compensated" for in other ways...but its not.

i know im just venting...sorry for making this so long. but, id appreciate hearing from anyone going thru any similar situation.

thank you
take care

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Old 12-05-2003, 06:58 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 235
rainonwindow HB User
Re: trying to stay "focused"...

Your family sounds like it is in a very difficult situation. You are unable to have a positive impact because the rest of the family has a limited ability to listen. There seems from your description to be a great deal of resentment and anger in your family. If I were in that situation, I would seek outside professional help. Finances of course make choices very limited. There could be clinics however that base fees on income and maybe you could arrange counseling for yourself and your wife. If there is nobody in the family who can help, then somebody outside the family needs to come into the situation if it is to change.

Sounds like everybody is in a emotionally impossible situation (for them) and doesn't know what to do with the frustration and anger. It is very easy to take anger over a situation and direct it towards someone. If you can't fix something and the something makes you angry - then it is very difficult to just sit with the anger - it is much easier to direct it at someone else.

Old 12-05-2003, 08:45 PM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: taneytown, MD USA
Posts: 24
inyo HB User
Re: trying to stay "focused"...

thank you for your reply rainonwindow...for quite some time now, ive realized that is what we need (our pastor suggested it as well). the only problem is, no one else wants to do it, or feels that it wont help or change anything.

so...i guess anyone reading all this, and myself, know what the "prognosis"/options are.
weve been married 15yrs, and i do give my wife more credit than words can express, for "standing by me" throughout all this...but i just get the feeling that she really doesnt want to be doing it (like she feels "obligated"), or for financial reasons...(i receive federal work/comp), and she doesnt make enough to pay all t.he bills and the mortgage, and i dont think she could handle loosing the house.

i dont know...ive just always been the type of person to "communicate" in order to resolve problems, etc. (i worked in law enforcement 10yrs). i honestly try to bring things to a compromise and honestly want to listen to everyone opinion of the situation...and then deal with "it" from there.
my wife was raised in a much different envirenment than I...not much affection or communication, and physical abuse was an issue as well (so i know she has past issues to deal with, and they play a role in her current perspective on the situation at hand). so there is a need for counselling, but one must want it, and want it to help.

i just want things to change, and deep down i think i realize that they probably wont...and i dont know what to do.
i cant handle the additional stress of a domestic situation along with everything else thats going on. i really cant.
i love my wife...i love my son...i want to have my family "back".

well, i just wanted to thank you for your response, and i wound up "venting" again...sorry.

take care

Old 12-06-2003, 08:44 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 235
rainonwindow HB User
Re: trying to stay "focused"...

You said you want your family "back". Don't you also want to know that you haven't "lost" yourself? Do you internally "attack" who you are now to try and preserve who you "used to be"? On some level do you blame yourself for the changes you see in your family?

This must be very difficult for you. You are a strong person in a situation that feels like it has few options.

Do you find when you are quiet yet angry inside, that there is a part of you that feels like it is crying?

Perhaps even though no one else is willing to go, you could find someone to talk to - if for no other reason - than to be more at peace with yourself.

Tuesday I will go talk to the counselor, like I do every week - learning that self-respect doesn't need to be stuck on who I was like old glue - learning to appreciate the effort I must put in to tasks others find easier - coming to understand that everybodies' ruler is different and the one I must look to is my own - finding a sense of appreciation for the scope of what I must deal with - and that I am entitled to my full measure of self-respect.

I find that the peace and acceptance I gain for myself is something I can extend to those close to me - not like food on a platter - but in the peace they feel in knowing their interactions with me don't have to be guarded.

I know I say things you already know but this is simply what I have to share. I wish I knew more both for your benefit and mine.

take care

Last edited by rainonwindow; 12-06-2003 at 09:16 PM.

Old 12-07-2003, 01:12 PM   #5
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: taneytown, MD USA
Posts: 24
inyo HB User
Re: trying to stay "focused"...

thank you once again for such an "accurate" observation of my "status" (so to speak). and yes, ive been trying to find a counsellor to talk to (but due to my disability, it must be nearby (there is a decent sized town within ten miles of where i live...i cannot drive much farther than that).
my problem is...fed work/comp approved depression as being secondary to my physical disability(thoracic outlet syndrome).
anyway...ive contacted every psychiatrist, clinic, etc, in the area... and NO ONE will work with fed work/comp. what am i supposed to do?
its just so frustrating on top of everything else.

what you said is so true...i know i just need to accept my condition, instead of "fighting it", but that is much easier said than done. i know everyone else wants the "old me" back...i want the "old me" back. i dont get the impression that anyone wants to accept things the way they are, and that makes it harder for me to accept it. i know thats not an excuse, i need to do whats best for me...take care of myself, etc.

i would also like to go into more detail with you about things (regarding my situation and yours), as you seem to be very in tune with where im coming from,
and i thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

thanks again

Old 12-08-2003, 08:09 PM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 235
rainonwindow HB User
Re: trying to stay "focused"...

Acceptance is a difficult issue for me as well. I used to think of 'acceptance' as:....I am no longer who I used to be - this is who I am now - it's permanent - I must learn to be comfortable with it because I need to accept it - no more struggling or fighting - 'acceptance apathy' - Period.

I understand now that acceptance does not have to do with an 'end point' but with a 'starting point'. Acceptance is not about where I have 'ended up' but about where my 'beginning' now is. It doesn't mean that I can't be a 'different' person 10 years from now. It doesn't mean that I should stop fighting or struggling, striving or achieving. Acceptance is about being able to emotionally deal with this 'starting point' from where the rest of my life will journey forward. I will continue to change and evolve. That part will not be different.

I have been angry over the course my life took and some anger is still there. I have not finished grieving for what I lost. Anger is normal given the circumstances I find myself in but I also know that anger can become a stumbling block. It can be hard to let go of being angry - to let go of the power of being angry - unless you have a good sense of where your strength lies. If anger helps me keep from falling into 'nothingness', if anger validates and supports the person I could have been 'if only', if anger 'means' that the person I was or could have been is 'still in me' - if anger means these things then I will have a hard time letting go of it. But if anger means these things - it is because I have yet to learn where my strengths are.

Well I had better go. Tomorrow I will go talk about my life to the counselor - it has made a difference - seems that first my intellect learns and then my emotions follow behind - seems that it is only when both aspects understand that I make progress - guess that is the hard part - getting both the knowing part of one's self and the feeling part of one's self to understand.

The most difficult aspect for me is that there are a lot of unanswered questions. It has been difficult for me to emotionally 'let go' because of this. I mst make peace with the fact that there are some things I may never get answers to. I must make peace with the painful impact my life has had on the people I love. I must let go of the guilt I feel - the responsibility I feel - even though what happened was not of my choosing.

Bit by bit - this last year of counseling has really helped.

Well, I am babbling now - guess I will go - take care.

Last edited by rainonwindow; 12-08-2003 at 10:11 PM.

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