Annie45

Hi Dayanna,

I've never posted on this section of the healthboards before...usually surf a lot of different topics and make a post here or there, but your post caught my eye for a number of reasons and I felt compelled to write to you.

Your story and mine are practically mirror images of each other, with a few minor differences. I had the same thing happen to me, but it was my brother-in-law and I was 15 when it started. I told my mother, and I'll never forget her response (or more appropriately, her lack of response) "Well, just make sure your father doesn't find out," she said to me. See, my father was a very violent alcoholic and we did everything to make sure nothing set him off. I then told my brother, but he felt helpless due to his age and build (my brother in law was 25 at the time and quite a large man).

My life at home was horrendous, with the alcoholic rages and beatings my mother took from him. We walked on eggshells all the time, so I did everything to find other places to be...I'd stay at friends, and I'd stay at my sister's house and babysit her kids for room and board, so to speak. When her husband started "visiting" me in the middle of the night, I didn't know what to do, so I did what you did--I told my mother. Well, you already know how that went, so then it was the lesser of two evils choice I had to make--and as despicable as he was, I chose to continue to live with my sister. I rationalized that the sexual abuse (although at the time I didn't realize it was abuse, I was almost convinced it was consensual! Isn't that so strange?) was easier to endure than the violence at my parents' house.

Well, finally I moved out, and got an apt. with a girlfriend of mine. We had been roommates for few months when we both lost our jobs, and we decided to move back to our respective homes, save some money and get a new place. The day we were to move, a man broke in through an unlocked window in the wee hours of the morning, put a pillow over my face, a knife to my throat, tied me up with electrical cords and then raped me. It was so surreal that as I type it, it's as if it happened to someone else. That day I moved back home to my parents, and after a few weeks my father couldn't stand to look at me (he told me he'd have let the man kill him before he'd "let" himself be raped,) and I was kicked out of the house.

What I really want to say to you is that I'm almost 47 years old, and I've never forgotten nor totally forgiven the players in this act. My parents both died 10 years ago, and one of my biggest regrets is not confronting them both for what they did to me. The poster above was absolutely right in how your mother should have responded to you--they are our parents, and they have an obligation to protect us. My brother-in-law was found out only after my parents died...my sister never knew, but my mother had told our other sister. So when my sister with the incestous husband got divorced, our other sister told her what he did to me. I was sure she was going to be furious with me...but she wasn't, and it was such a relief.

The best way I've been able to deal with the incest was by finally getting it out in the air, such a weight off my shoulders. I can't confront the rapist as he was never caught, and like I said earlier, I regret not confronting my parents, and now I can't. That is such a helpless feeling, and one I think you will have if you let your mother continue to treat you as the bad person in all this. You know the truth and your stepfather knows the truth. You and I were made to feel guilty and untrustworthy because of our mother's reactions to our plights.

It is perfectly natural and normal for you to feel the anger and bitterness that you do. What happened to you has become a part of your life, and you can't just "not think about it." But it can be dealt with, and when you disclose it to a therapist or counselor and start talking about it, you may finally feel the relief you are searching for. Please don't wait as long as I did...you have time to get your life back. Don't let the molester win by still influencing your life negatively...you can beat the images and things that haunt you. I know you want revenge, that is a feeling I truly understand, but after some counseling, you might be able to let go of the idea that the past could have turned out differently.

All I can say is that I truly understand your feelings, and I've been treated for PTSD, but I wish I would have battled it when I was younger...maybe my marriage and relationships wouldn't have all been so dysfunctional, maybe I'd be able to sleep at night--the insomnia I have is horrible! But I am better now than I was before, and I know you need some resolution and recognition about what happened to you before you can choose to think of other things. Until then, I think you will dwell on it and it may very well consume you. I set out on a very self-destructive path, and it's not till now, in my mid-40's, that I am armed with some knowledge and different approaches to be able to live with what happened.

Hope you don't mind a "stranger" stepping into your post! Please think about talking to someone about what happened to you--it was a terrible, awful thing what he did to you, and although you may think you know it wasn't your fault and you don't feel guilty...you might be surprised what comes to the surface once you find someone to pour it all out to.

Good luck to you, and if you'd like to talk more...I'd be happy to talk about the feelings you're experiencing as I know them all too well.

Best wishes,

Annie...