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Old 03-17-2004, 02:16 AM   #1
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dayanna HB User
She won't leave it alone

From the time I was 10 my stepdad molested me and unfortunately no one believed me and I had to live in a foster home for 3yrs. My mother chose him over me, and this still bothers me at 27. Each and everyday what he did I relive it, everyday! I have learned to put it behind me and I see my parents everyday but sometimes my mom says things that hurt and I just wish I could yell at her. Today we were talking and I said something about not being able to forgive my brothers girlfriend and my mom said that I should learn to forgive because she and my dad forgave me. I wanted to scream and run out of the door. How could she say that, could she be really that blind that she really believes that he didn't do it. What hurts most is I said nothing I just let her treat me like a liar. But I'm getting tired of it, I was the one punished when I finally told, they took me away from my home because my mom chose him and now she still has the nerve to tell me I'm lying. Sometimes I hate her. I sit there and say nothing because nothing good could come of me telling her that it did happen its over and I have to live w/it everyday not her. I deal w/these images everday, not her. So she should leave it be or one day I will give her and ear full and probably would never talk to her again. Is it normal to think about the abuse everyday? It has been over 15years and yet it is still so vivid in my mind. Sorry so long, I needed to get out my feelings.

 
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Old 03-19-2004, 07:32 PM   #2
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HeyThere HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Can you just divorce yourself from the toxic people in your life?
They divorced you they let you down. Don't look back you have your 88 years to create /fill up with good memories not ugly toxic ones forced on you to relive everytime you talk to these toxic vile people.

They tell addicts to get out of their environment in order for them to recover properly and dissassociate with all those involved in that lifestyle --I think everyone could benefit from this and it is not running away it is about growing away and getting new roots so one can survive and have a chance of enjoying life and self fullfillment based on them only... not being a reaction to others.
I don't think these things are supposed to be mentioned here could you edit so you could post in the future.
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Peace

Last edited by HeyThere; 03-19-2004 at 07:40 PM.

 
Old 04-05-2004, 12:25 AM   #3
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jennfaery HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You don't have to put up with it anymore. Don't go around her. Just stop accepting her phone calls and stop going to her house. That's what I had to do with my parents. There comes a point in a persons life where you have to say I'm not taking this bull***** anymore. When you told your mother what happened to you she should have dropped what she was doing and wrapped you in her arms and made you understand that it wasnt your fault. Unfortunaly, she didn't and niether did mine. So now we just have to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives and away from the negative people who plague them. I wish you luck and please get some counciling. These sort of things are tough to go through alone.

 
Old 05-14-2004, 08:23 PM   #4
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Swalk HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by dayanna
From the time I was 10 my stepdad molested me and unfortunately no one believed me and I had to live in a foster home for 3yrs. My mother chose him over me, and this still bothers me at 27. Each and everyday what he did I relive it, everyday! I have learned to put it behind me and I see my parents everyday but sometimes my mom says things that hurt and I just wish I could yell at her. Today we were talking and I said something about not being able to forgive my brothers girlfriend and my mom said that I should learn to forgive because she and my dad forgave me. I wanted to scream and run out of the door. How could she say that, could she be really that blind that she really believes that he didn't do it. What hurts most is I said nothing I just let her treat me like a liar. But I'm getting tired of it, I was the one punished when I finally told, they took me away from my home because my mom chose him and now she still has the nerve to tell me I'm lying. Sometimes I hate her. I sit there and say nothing because nothing good could come of me telling her that it did happen its over and I have to live w/it everyday not her. I deal w/these images everday, not her. So she should leave it be or one day I will give her and ear full and probably would never talk to her again. Is it normal to think about the abuse everyday? It has been over 15years and yet it is still so vivid in my mind. Sorry so long, I needed to get out my feelings.

That is very sad as a mother I would NEVER EVER chose a man over my children. Im not judging her she obviously has some of her own issues, go get counseling please.
I was molested from the time I was 5 until I cant even remember... I try so hard to get it out of my head but I cant, so it is something alot of us think of, relive. Its hard to get out of there and if you ask me your mother really did you wrong.
best of luck to you

 
Old 05-19-2004, 12:17 PM   #5
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Annie45 HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Hi Dayanna,

I've never posted on this section of the healthboards before...usually surf a lot of different topics and make a post here or there, but your post caught my eye for a number of reasons and I felt compelled to write to you.

Your story and mine are practically mirror images of each other, with a few minor differences. I had the same thing happen to me, but it was my brother-in-law and I was 15 when it started. I told my mother, and I'll never forget her response (or more appropriately, her lack of response) "Well, just make sure your father doesn't find out," she said to me. See, my father was a very violent alcoholic and we did everything to make sure nothing set him off. I then told my brother, but he felt helpless due to his age and build (my brother in law was 25 at the time and quite a large man).

My life at home was horrendous, with the alcoholic rages and beatings my mother took from him. We walked on eggshells all the time, so I did everything to find other places to be...I'd stay at friends, and I'd stay at my sister's house and babysit her kids for room and board, so to speak. When her husband started "visiting" me in the middle of the night, I didn't know what to do, so I did what you did--I told my mother. Well, you already know how that went, so then it was the lesser of two evils choice I had to make--and as despicable as he was, I chose to continue to live with my sister. I rationalized that the sexual abuse (although at the time I didn't realize it was abuse, I was almost convinced it was consensual! Isn't that so strange?) was easier to endure than the violence at my parents' house.

Well, finally I moved out, and got an apt. with a girlfriend of mine. We had been roommates for few months when we both lost our jobs, and we decided to move back to our respective homes, save some money and get a new place. The day we were to move, a man broke in through an unlocked window in the wee hours of the morning, put a pillow over my face, a knife to my throat, tied me up with electrical cords and then raped me. It was so surreal that as I type it, it's as if it happened to someone else. That day I moved back home to my parents, and after a few weeks my father couldn't stand to look at me (he told me he'd have let the man kill him before he'd "let" himself be raped,) and I was kicked out of the house.

What I really want to say to you is that I'm almost 47 years old, and I've never forgotten nor totally forgiven the players in this act. My parents both died 10 years ago, and one of my biggest regrets is not confronting them both for what they did to me. The poster above was absolutely right in how your mother should have responded to you--they are our parents, and they have an obligation to protect us. My brother-in-law was found out only after my parents died...my sister never knew, but my mother had told our other sister. So when my sister with the incestous husband got divorced, our other sister told her what he did to me. I was sure she was going to be furious with me...but she wasn't, and it was such a relief.

The best way I've been able to deal with the incest was by finally getting it out in the air, such a weight off my shoulders. I can't confront the rapist as he was never caught, and like I said earlier, I regret not confronting my parents, and now I can't. That is such a helpless feeling, and one I think you will have if you let your mother continue to treat you as the bad person in all this. You know the truth and your stepfather knows the truth. You and I were made to feel guilty and untrustworthy because of our mother's reactions to our plights.

It is perfectly natural and normal for you to feel the anger and bitterness that you do. What happened to you has become a part of your life, and you can't just "not think about it." But it can be dealt with, and when you disclose it to a therapist or counselor and start talking about it, you may finally feel the relief you are searching for. Please don't wait as long as I did...you have time to get your life back. Don't let the molester win by still influencing your life negatively...you can beat the images and things that haunt you. I know you want revenge, that is a feeling I truly understand, but after some counseling, you might be able to let go of the idea that the past could have turned out differently.

All I can say is that I truly understand your feelings, and I've been treated for PTSD, but I wish I would have battled it when I was younger...maybe my marriage and relationships wouldn't have all been so dysfunctional, maybe I'd be able to sleep at night--the insomnia I have is horrible! But I am better now than I was before, and I know you need some resolution and recognition about what happened to you before you can choose to think of other things. Until then, I think you will dwell on it and it may very well consume you. I set out on a very self-destructive path, and it's not till now, in my mid-40's, that I am armed with some knowledge and different approaches to be able to live with what happened.

Hope you don't mind a "stranger" stepping into your post! Please think about talking to someone about what happened to you--it was a terrible, awful thing what he did to you, and although you may think you know it wasn't your fault and you don't feel guilty...you might be surprised what comes to the surface once you find someone to pour it all out to.

Good luck to you, and if you'd like to talk more...I'd be happy to talk about the feelings you're experiencing as I know them all too well.

Best wishes,

Annie...

 
Old 05-19-2004, 08:00 PM   #6
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Swalk HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Your post filled me with tears. What a horrible thing your parents did to you. I hope the rest of your life will be easier, as a parent I cant imagine turning my back on my child like that, Id want to kill somone if they every hurt my children

 
Old 05-20-2004, 01:06 PM   #7
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Annie45 HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Hi Swalk,

As you'd already replied to Dayanna...I'm thinking your post above relates to my story I posted? If not, sorry for the assumption! But if it does, I really appreciate your empathy and compassion.

I see in your previous post to Dayanna that this has happened to you, too. At such a young age of five years old, I cannot fathom the way you must have felt. If I felt helpless at 15, I mean, my God...5 years old!? I so hope the pedophile responsible for affecting your life and abusing you in such a horrific manner has been brought to some kind of justice? If not, I would seriously consider if there is a Statute of Limitations for you to perhaps at least get this person on the registered sex offenders list. It has always been my understanding that a pedophile (and yes, to be sexually aroused and to sexually abuse someone as young as you were does make him a pedophile) literally cannot stop themselves and very often leave a trail of victims. If your story is posted in this thread somewhere, perhaps you could point me to it so I can read it and try to comprehend how you have survived this....you must be an incredibly strong woman!

The role my mother played in my sexual abuse and the subsequent rape was not protecting me and giving me a safe place to land by eliminating our father from our lives for one, and for not helping me...we never spoke of either incident again, and she died at the age of 76 ten yrs. ago. I used to think of her as a victim also, and I guess she was as she felt helpless and dependant on a violent, physically and mentally abusive husband, but I grew to think of her as one of the enemy as I got older and especially after having kids of my own.

I see that you are a parent, too. I have a 15-yr old son and a 12-yr. old daughter, and after I had children, I adopted the same attitude as you...if someone hurt my child and my child came to me, I would do everything in my power to help them deal and confront their abuse, and yes, I too would have thoughts of killing anyone who harmed my child...or even if I was aware of it happening to another little one. Now that I'm a parent...it is incomprehensible to me how my mother (and Dayanna's) so neglected me emotionally after the things that happened, and I will never understand how she could watch her daughter be kicked out of her home by her father because I was damaged goods...tainted. My father even told me when I got married that I was lucky to find a man who would want me after being raped. His biggest issue and what he always threw up in my face the short time I was at their house, was that I should have fought back (how you fight a man with a knife who had me tied up before I was even fully aware of what was really happening is something I couldn't make him understand), and then he would further it by saying if I couldn't fight back, I should have died instead. Of course I have to put those things in the context of coming from a very mentally ill alcoholic who came from the era that women were damaged property and somehow "ask for it" when they are attacked sexually. But even though I try to understand the thought process and consider the source of those words...in the end, he was my father, and he (and my mother) let me down in the worst way a parent can. It was being raped all over again...

Well, I didn't mean to ramble, but I did want to say thank you, and that after reading some other posts on this board, I see I am not so alone...in fact, it's quite alarming to read about such a large number of women (and men, too) who have gone through some form of sexual abuse when they were young...and no matter what the age, it is a life-altering event, and we have to learn to deal with the differences created in us because of what was done to us. So again, I can't reiterate enough how badly I feel for you to have had to endure such a thing as such a young child...there is no way that you could have had any way to process what was happening at the time, I imagine. It's so sad that your childhood was taken over and you were controlled so horribly by this other person.

I'm glad I've found this part of the board, and I hope to talk to you and others here who have PTSD, and how these things that happened continue to affect us, and hopefully I'll learn even more coping skills.

Best wishes,

Annie...

 
Old 05-20-2004, 01:45 PM   #8
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

oh my goodness... your posts, what a reflection over my past it gave me. It took many years to understand and condition myself after years of sexual abuse. The violent alcoholic rages, and I knew exactly what you meant "walking on eggshells". Now adays in my 40's I just don't tolerate all that crap. I am to old for it. Anyway, I too have an estranged relationship with my mother over the entire thing. She didn't want to belief me. She had four children to raise, and she was in college. It won't happen again she promises, be quite and you know what...the next time was worse. I just learned to shut up. I resent my mother, and on the same hand admire she was capable of getting out of the rotten mess, but after I was grown and gone from home. There is so many of us out here like you both, you have no idea. I thought it was just me until I reached my 20's, went to work, had my children, and talk about protective and preaching about anyone touching them. Wasn't happening as long as I was alive. I have a very limited amount of relationship with my mother. I told her at 15 yrs old, and I am now 44. I've removed myself to another area, another lifestyle, and gotten out from under it all. I feel soooooo much betttttter !!!!! I just regret I didn't do that at 18 years old. But how we're made to feel was won't amount to anything, be able to do it on our own, and will always need them for something. I am not even going there. I feel my b/p rising. (((Hugs**** to you both))) your story, your pain, your history, your feelings, thank you for sharing them with us today.

 
Old 05-20-2004, 06:30 PM   #9
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Annie45 HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Hi Peggy,

Nice to "meet" another 40ish woman who is dealing with things that happened so very long ago...of course I wish that this kind of thing didn't happen to anyone, but if it has, it is nice to find that person and connect with them. It sounds from your post that you were sexually abused as a child and had a mother who didn't protect you either...do you mind if I ask who the abuser was? I am assuming it was a family member--for Dayanna it was her stepfather, and for me it was my brother-in-law--but I don't like to assume anything! It's just the way you worded certain things combined with the promises from your mother leads me to think it was someone within the family, like your father maybe? And absolutely, if you don't want to discuss the details...believe me, I completely understand, and I don't know how much it matters really, because we were all sexually abused and that is the bottom line. One thing, though, when it involves a family member is then that brings in the dynamics of what the "women in the family--our mothers" chose to do with the information that we, their daughters, mustered up the courage to tell them.

It does sound like our situations were similar, especially the violent rages, the hush, hush don't tell anyone--those eggshells can get pretty dang hard to walk on after awhile and become more like broken glass. It's horrible the way we condition ourselves at such a young age to make our life revolve around how the adults in our lives "might be that day." At 46, I still have my diary from when I was 11 and 12-yrs. old, and when I read it now, the majority of my entries are like "...dad was in a good mood today," or "...dad passed out at 8:00, so I was able to watch 'Love American Style." It should contain passages about MY life and what I was doing as a youngser--playing, school, friends--but sadly, it's mostly about his mood, and what I did to avoid him.

I think it is wonderful that you had the chance to confront your mother, and although you two are somewhat estranged, you have the satisfaction and relief of having let her know how wronged you felt by her. That is what I was trying to express to Dayanna...I chose not to ever confront either of my now-deceased parents for not supporting me through the two worst things that could happen to their young daughter, and they are dead now, so I can't confront them and I feel enormous regret. I still suggest she do that while she can, she was the victim and is still being made to feel that way. And you are sooo right about what happens when we get to be in our 40s...we don't have to and we don't need to take any kind of that crap anymore.

It is ironic though, how we still desire their love, understanding and acceptance in various degrees. I am relating that to your comment about being able to while at the same time deal with the hatred or anger towards your mother, you also admire her for finally getting out of her situation. If my mother would have done that, I can only imagine how it would have changed all our lives. I understand how it must feel to you that while it's great that she had the strength to change it and get out--it's so unfortunate she didn't have that same strength and actions when it could have benefited you and protected you.

Dayanna says she feels that no good could come from acting on her feelings towards her mother now, but I think that what happened to her is still so fresh in her mind and her being younger, maybe it's hard to see what the benefit for her might be if she can look back when she's 20 yrs. older, and regardless of how it plays out, she can say she faced her mother and refused to accept the way she was treated by her. If her mother chooses to believe she is a liar about what happened, that is a choice her mother will have to live with for a very long time, while Dayanna can say she took the high road, and made the choice to not allow them to affect her negatively anymore because it is like the abuse never ends then...and I think that is what she was saying, she still feels abused by them both.

Dayanna, you've not posted again, so if you're reading from afar, I'd like to know how you are and if anything's changed as far as your mother's actions towards you...I know it's hard to live with all that, and I understand how it feels to be still victimized after so many years have passed. I have a feeling that deep down your mother knows the truth and is chosing to take the position she has because of her own psychological issues...maybe it's financial security or whatever, but for some reason, she's made a very poor choice in this, and you need to know that you are not at fault...you didn't do anything wrong. She chose to let you go to foster care, to not believe you, to have you feel extreme anger toward her, all so she could stay with a man who sexually abused her 10-yr. old daughter--obviously she has some major problems if she could live with herself and do that.

Peggy, I'd be interested in hearing your story, or like I asked Swalk, if it's already posted in here somewhere..just point me to it! But I also understand that even though these things happened long ago, some of the players are still around and that keeps it alive, hence your feeling your bp going up when you go back to those days and incidences of so many years ago...

One thing I'd like to ask is what kind of physical symptoms (if any) do the adults of sexual abuse have now? I'm curious what or if anyone else has similar health problems they feel could be related to their abuse. For me, it is horrific insomnia--I mean like averaging 4 hrs. a night if I do sleep, and many times I am simply awake all night several nights within a month. I truly think that although these things happened 30 yrs. ago, the fact that they happened to me when I was asleep eventually evolved into a feeling that sleeping and going to bed at night is not a safe place to be...you know what I mean?

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for the (((hug!!!))) here's one back to you (((HUG )))! Hope to talk to you more about things if you feel like it, and thanks for your reply.

Best wishes,

Annie...

 
Old 05-20-2004, 06:31 PM   #10
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Swalk HB User
Unhappy Re: She won't leave it alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie45
Hi Swalk,

As you'd already replied to Dayanna...I'm thinking your post above relates to my story I posted? If not, sorry for the assumption! But if it does, I really appreciate your empathy and compassion.

I see in your previous post to Dayanna that this has happened to you, too. At such a young age of five years old, I cannot fathom the way you must have felt. If I felt helpless at 15, I mean, my God...5 years old!? I so hope the pedophile responsible for affecting your life and abusing you in such a horrific manner has been brought to some kind of justice? If not, I would seriously consider if there is a Statute of Limitations for you to perhaps at least get this person on the registered sex offenders list. It has always been my understanding that a pedophile (and yes, to be sexually aroused and to sexually abuse someone as young as you were does make him a pedophile) literally cannot stop themselves and very often leave a trail of victims. If your story is posted in this thread somewhere, perhaps you could point me to it so I can read it and try to comprehend how you have survived this....you must be an incredibly strong woman!

The role my mother played in my sexual abuse and the subsequent rape was not protecting me and giving me a safe place to land by eliminating our father from our lives for one, and for not helping me...we never spoke of either incident again, and she died at the age of 76 ten yrs. ago. I used to think of her as a victim also, and I guess she was as she felt helpless and dependant on a violent, physically and mentally abusive husband, but I grew to think of her as one of the enemy as I got older and especially after having kids of my own.

I see that you are a parent, too. I have a 15-yr old son and a 12-yr. old daughter, and after I had children, I adopted the same attitude as you...if someone hurt my child and my child came to me, I would do everything in my power to help them deal and confront their abuse, and yes, I too would have thoughts of killing anyone who harmed my child...or even if I was aware of it happening to another little one. Now that I'm a parent...it is incomprehensible to me how my mother (and Dayanna's) so neglected me emotionally after the things that happened, and I will never understand how she could watch her daughter be kicked out of her home by her father because I was damaged goods...tainted. My father even told me when I got married that I was lucky to find a man who would want me after being raped. His biggest issue and what he always threw up in my face the short time I was at their house, was that I should have fought back (how you fight a man with a knife who had me tied up before I was even fully aware of what was really happening is something I couldn't make him understand), and then he would further it by saying if I couldn't fight back, I should have died instead. Of course I have to put those things in the context of coming from a very mentally ill alcoholic who came from the era that women were damaged property and somehow "ask for it" when they are attacked sexually. But even though I try to understand the thought process and consider the source of those words...in the end, he was my father, and he (and my mother) let me down in the worst way a parent can. It was being raped all over again...

Well, I didn't mean to ramble, but I did want to say thank you, and that after reading some other posts on this board, I see I am not so alone...in fact, it's quite alarming to read about such a large number of women (and men, too) who have gone through some form of sexual abuse when they were young...and no matter what the age, it is a life-altering event, and we have to learn to deal with the differences created in us because of what was done to us. So again, I can't reiterate enough how badly I feel for you to have had to endure such a thing as such a young child...there is no way that you could have had any way to process what was happening at the time, I imagine. It's so sad that your childhood was taken over and you were controlled so horribly by this other person.

I'm glad I've found this part of the board, and I hope to talk to you and others here who have PTSD, and how these things that happened continue to affect us, and hopefully I'll learn even more coping skills.

Best wishes,

Annie...


Annie
Gosh that post made me teary, this entire post is sooo sad I hate to see that so many people have had the same life as kids... It makes me so sad and so sick to hear about it on the news every day. I volunteer at my dauthers school and I find myself thinking I wonder how many of these kids are being abused? To see me as a kid I was entergetic and fun and "happy" but there were also alot of signs my mom did not see as sighns. I wet the bed until I was about 11 everysingle night. I did not want to be left alone with him, ever. She knew I hated him. They have not been together for like 14 years.
I have never told my mom, because as a child he told me he would kill me and my brothers and my mom. I was scared of him. Now that its over I cant see a reason to tell my mother, she is getting old and why tell her now, it will either cause her so much grief or if she says she does not beleive me, Im at square one. I have daughters and I have told them there are no secrets between us, none and you can always tell me anything Ive told my 8 year old there are bad people in the world and good too, Ive told her what bad people can do, touch her in her private area, I dont want to scare her but I do want her to be very aware. My mother never told me that was wrong for a man to touch me there I thought it was normal. Like hugging or sitting in a lap.
I blocked this out until I had my first daughter and that is where all my problems began.
It makes me so sad that so many people went thru hell as kids.
I would hope that parents that come across this post would see any warning signs and be open with their kids.
I had it bad and I know there are people that had it worse. I dont even know how you dealt with parents like that, its so sad how could that be that way with a child?
Have you gone to therapy? how have you coped?
Swalk

 
Old 05-21-2004, 06:51 AM   #11
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PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Annie, it was my father. The ironic thing was, I was also molested at school by a janitor. This confused me because my mother got him fired and threw a fit when I tattled on the man, but with my father I guess she felt helpless in a very abusive marriage. It did take me years to understand what emotional and physical abuse does to people, those involved, us all. It began at 5 not long after I reported the janitor and I somehow blamed that as the trigger when I was younger. I guess I looked for any excuse as to why over the years. I did not tell my mother when it started. Actually from the reaction with the janitor and him being fired and me left confused state of mind of what was happening, I was a child 5...what was happening and why? I didn't tell my mother until I was nearly 13 and the abuse obviously was progressing into intercourse. When I finally did tell her she confronted him and she came to me and said he wouldn't do it any more and that she was going to exit the relationship but she was in nursing school and how could she work, school and afford 4 children. Knowing my father made decent money but drank it and swindled it on other women in his life, I suppose she convinenced me that it wouldn't happen again. As a child you are persuaded and intimidated. He was an alcoholic who binged. He began drinking heavily first part of the week and the latter was hell. It was being yanked out of bed because something wasn't cleaned enough, or waking us up fighting with my mother over him coming home late, or not at all some nights. He didn't touch me again for a long time and stayed his distance and I guess she might have threatened him because things settled down between them or she didn't care and made the best of the situation. I don't know. I kinda got lost in time there. However, I later learned he just moved on to my sisters. Then I was 17 and blamed myself if I hadn't say anything nothing would have happened to them. I lived on a guilt trip. By this time our lives were totally chaotic. I married at 18 to get out of the house and fast. He turned out worse than my father. By the time I was 20 I was divorced and in my own place...and it was after I divorced that my mother left my father or kicked him out. I was in my own apartment and working 2 jobs to keep from having to ask them for anything. She got her nursing degree, I helped with the 2 siblings at home, and my other sister married very quickly. After he was gone I learned the youngest tattled on him and that is what brought the house down. Then I resented the fact the baby can complain about it and it was divorce of the century, but me on the other hand, had to remain quiet. Not tell anyone. It took me years before I stepped up and said I was an abused child. And when I did, my cousins followed saying their fathers did them. I sat back stunned. Anyway I confronted the whole family situation, their sickness and called my aunts, uncles and every one of them and threw a fit. I even said if I found out any of my male cousins touch their daughters, I will personally see that they are convicted!!!! I'm still the black sheep of the bunch. I don't care, I don't have to see them or pretend they are the best in the world and be two faced. If I speak to them, they are really damn lucky. But I do try to be civil about the ordeal that took years, and years to bring up and then down. Level the entire family sickness and the healing process has been just as long for myself. wheeew sorry this post is long... you never really discuss it to much with your close friends, and get really deep into details as I have with you all. I guess thats what makes strangers your best friends. :-)
As far as any medical conditions, I have severe panic attacks. I have insomina, and I somehow go for periods having the perfect little setting, perfect everything, and then a crisis sets me off and I want everyone on their best behavior for no apparent reason and I don't drink, so maybe its the pattern of how my father did us or our household? it kept everyone in order. I've learned to see the signs and control myself more that I am older. I've had sexual dysfs****ions getting close to men during periods of my life and I contributed that to it all. Then I met my partner, (female) and I still have the problems, so I contribute it now to the abuse. I don't trust people, and I am always on guard wondering what they are doing or how they will stab me in the back--always insecure in relationships. What about you? How has your relationships weathered this?
When I did explode and bring it all out in the open for my entire family, 7 of them (aunts and uncles) admitted to me they were abused themselves. None would discuss who did it. When I confronted my father, I threatened to send my therapy bills to him because I couldn't have a normal marriage even the 2nd time around, all he admitted to me was that his mother wasn't perfect either when I blamed my grandfather. My father and I talk, its not a real daughter father relationship. Maybe more of an old acquiantance. We check in once a month with each other and thats about it. My mother and I are estranged now. And when we speak to each other its cold and strained. Mainly our estrangement came when I moved in with a woman and she took that very hard. When she pleaded with me, I threw up all those years of the hell she made us live in, cope with, and I walked away. I put her on a guilt trip for my actions, but you know what...I lost myself long before I ever moved in with another woman. I am just finding me back in my 40's??? I contribute that to having a relationship and waking up that just maybe it wasn't them, it was me.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 07:15 AM   #12
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 179
PeggyHarmon HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Swalker,concerning our children, I was very protective and maybe alittle to the extreme. When they were 1 I quit washing their privates and taught them to do themselves and began telling them mama's and daddies should wash them there. I never let them out of my sight around family gatherings. Everyone would fuss at me because they'd leave from my view and I'd panic where were they. My grandparents had a creek on their property and that was always my excuse I suppose when in my mind I feared someone took them behind the barn or something worse. I made them tell me if they were going to go off and play, or where they'd be. I policed them to much I think. When my daughter was 7 she got a bladder infection and I freaked, took her to the Dr. and the Dr. examined her did a cath on her and he said nothing is happening to this child because she's fighting me and those abused are instructed to fear the touch and responding to the examine shy and allowing it. When he explained that that is how they are trained to catch abused children during examines or young teens during paps, physical exams for school and such I began to relax. I am still very modest about my body and shy, so he must have been right about being examined. My sisters wet the bed, I never did. Now, I know thats a sign to keep the predator away.

 
Old 05-21-2004, 01:18 PM   #13
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: eastern seaboard
Posts: 220
zimnah HB User
Re: She won't leave it alone

Hello all! I just picked up this thread, and decided to reply. First of all, Dayanna, you may need to rethink your decision to have any contact with your parents at all. It almost sounds as if it would be healthier for you to simply move on with your life. Easier said than done, I admit it, but I did it after much calm deliberation and counseling. One thing my counselor said to me was that I needed to make the decision carefully, because your mom is still your mom. I gave it a lot of thought and, while I agree with her, my mom was also someone who saw that abuse was happening to me, and deliberately made the choice to allow it to continue. Certainly, I feel a sense of bereftness as I basically have no family (except that of my husband's). It is a little cheaper on the holidays, though, on a lighter note :-)
As for symptoms, insomnia is a big one for me, as well. My doctor and I were both concerned about long-term effects of taking Ambien over a longer duration than a week (which is the recommended time), but after 69 hours straight with no sleep, we becamse a lot more worried about the long-term effects of sleep-deprivation. I certainly have a much easier time dealing with depression on a full night's sleep. I also self-injured, and have quite a few deep scars on my arms. Unfortunately, cutting is a lot like addiction, so while it's been several years since I last cut my arms, it's an urge that never really goes away. I usually post on the self-injury threads, hoping my story and my experiences can help others, and I get a lot of encouragement to continue not to cut, as well as a feeling that I may be able to make a difference in someone else's life.
I also studied psychology in college, and that helped (along with some very good therapy) to understand, at least intellectually, what leads to abuse and what happens to the abused. It's easier now to see a behaviour in myself that is a direct result of my abuse, and actively do something to change the behaviour. It allows me to regain some semblence of power and control over my life, which I lost as a victim of molestation.
Trying to forget about it didn't work for me. What seems to work best is working to help others heal, thus healing myself. My husband, who was a chaplain in the Navy, once told me that it was almost scary how many people in helping professions (especially in the clergy) had abuse in their past. What took me the longest was to just accept that, while the abuse I went through was horrific, it didn't really ruin my life. Someone posted earlier how sad it is to read about so many others who were also abused. It is sad, but it's also heartening to read so many stories of survival. While many of us may never get a good night's sleep, and most of us drive our spouses and children nuts with our almost paranoic concerns for their safety and protection, I sincerely hope that we will have raised a generation who won't tell their children to 'hush up' or who will always believe when a child tells them someone makes them feel uncomfortable. While I do despair at the lack of respect that seems to be present in todays children, they also don't have a lot of the same fears and inhibitions that allowed many of us to become victims. Peggy, I think our children are probably more independent than we were allowed to be. Maybe that is the something good to come out of all this.
Well, this is much longer than I thought. I hope it said something coherent! :-)

 
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