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Old 03-21-2004, 12:39 PM   #1
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Tanki HB User
Unhappy My story PT1

At the age of 16 i was in an abusive relationship for close to a year... emotionally, some physical.. mental.... verbal and sexual...it started after about 3 months when he would choke me and smile. The it went to alot of yelling to the point of crawling into a ball at the foot of my bed in cry, it use to terrify me when he use to hit my bed. He use to pin me down to yell at me, he's threatened rape many times telling me that he could if he wanted too. He use to hold me in tight grips so i couldnt move so i had to listen to him. Things like that. After a year i dumped him and since leaving him i have been in unwanted situations rather it was someone groping me and then standing over my bed in just a towel watching me sleep, or being forced upon tell me that he wants me because i turned him down, he use to touch me grab me, kiss me and whisper things in my ear all the time and he was seeing my twin sister and he'd do it in front of her... one morning i went back to the boat to get something and he was in there (and i knew it) he told me that he wanted to talk to me i told him no.. he asked again telling me that he wanted to talk to me... i told him i had to get back to the office (a good friend of mine is the manager of my marina) as i was stepping out of the cabin he grabbed onto my leg and tried to pull me in. If he really wanted too he could have been forceful, my alarms were going off in my head and i knew i had to get out.. i managed to kick free and i didn't head back to my boat until i saw him drive away...also a "good friend" of mine who was older took advantage of me when i was drunk and passed out, he's older then me and i think i was like 18-19 during that time and he was touching me and feeling between my legs and inserted fingers. I knew what was going on but i was paralized.. not just from the tequila but shocked. After i kinda could wake up and move he asked me if he knew what happened, i lied and said no and he told me... then he said "well i should go enough of molesting little girls" I still see him once in awhile and i'm uncomfortable with seeing him... I saw him this year in my marnia and all i did was mock him because i didnt know what to do. I also was seeing this one guy for a few months, it was only sexual but he triggered me too many times, the last time we slept together he triggered a horrible flashback and i stopperd seeing him after that. Later he apologized for treating me that way and i accepted it. As for the ex i still talk to him once in awhile on msn... dunno why but i feel like i have too. I brought it up to him awhile ago.. and he apologized... but yet he will bring it up saying "Why did you tell people that i abused you" and i wouldn't have even brought it up!!! He told me a couple yrs ago that he didn't remember doing this...and that i was the only one he ever did this too.. YEAH THANKS!!!!

I right now suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, SAD, depression and PTSD.....

I am still seeing my shrink since i was 16.. i am 23 now ... and i don't know if i will ever be able to stop seeing her. Everyday is a struggle and i am in denial about most of ... well everything...
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Old 03-24-2004, 08:09 PM   #2
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Re: My story PT1

no replies

that sucks.
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Old 04-25-2004, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: My story PT1

I'm sorry to hear that all of that happened to you. I don't really know what else to write but I figured I would repy since no one else did. I hope you feel better.
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Old 04-26-2004, 09:52 AM   #4
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Unhappy Re: My story PT1

Thank you- I'm glad someone did. I guess I get upset when no one posts because I think no one cares or is even reading it, I wonder if anyone had the same experiences, or if the are not that is why no one replied?

Does that make sense.

Thank you for the reply though, it means alot.
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Old 06-09-2004, 11:37 PM   #5
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Re: My story PT1

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tanki
Thank you- I'm glad someone did. I guess I get upset when no one posts because I think no one cares or is even reading it, I wonder if anyone had the same experiences, or if the are not that is why no one replied? Does that make sense.Thank you for the reply though, it means alot.
Hi Tanki—
Makes sense to me! but nowhere NEAR the extent that it must to you. I’ve had several TàPT episodes but probably not PTS-level and definitely not PTSD , and so can empathize with the T&PT part and send peace of mind, body, and spirit to you for ever and ever.
My earliest and unfortunately T-most episode was a crazed gunman bursting out of a bar into my face **DOORBANG** **GUNMANFACE**DUCK!! can spook me still but I've had a number of sudden but accidental *FACE*-to-face deja vu's with people uptown, in malls, airports, etc. and it's been a number of years, so it's settled down alot *flash*-wise. Also had several PT's in the military but they turned out to not linger or *flash* very often or very bright. Many PT/PTS/PTSD'd people had their experiences in the military; also many in the police, fire, etc. departments. Many, most perhaps, don't have PTSD, but maybe they are screaming inside; it's not up to standard of conduct for these folks to get very apparently affected, though, because otherwise everybody would be dragging themselves around being actually depressed, and society just couldn't work if that were the case, you know? Utopia maybe but not here, now [well, yet ]

Anyway, I think it’s not that people don’t care. I think it’s that most people can’t empathize although they can sympathize (and do but not enough and they know it, but they haven’t been ‘there’ so they know they can’t KNOW WHAT “IT”s LIKE and I’m pretty sure their silence if translated into real words would be sympathetic—major sympathetic in your case). In this sense, emphatize implies "been there*” and sympathize implies ”haven’t been there but feel for you”. There need to be 2 words, here, in order for us to be able to express this concept.
*=('there' implies at least PT but probably different circumstance and degree).

But here's a word I learned that captures the essence of this for me: "ineffable’—it means ‘cannot be expressed’. I think 'they' cannot express themselves because, by definition, they DON’T know “what it’s like”. There is no experience there to “eff” (‘eff’ comes from ‘efferent’ or ‘effect’, which implies effectuate[something]-from-the-internal-to-the-external-world). But what I’m saying is that there is literally ‘nothing’ to express when it comes to ‘actually-shared-experience’, because they haven't experienced it. They should say SOMEthing and share a care and give you some support in your [severely] traumatized life—and they know they should. It’s as if somebody said: “c’mon, ladies, everyone of you who’s been raped and abused and … and … , let’s go over and give Tanki some EMPATHY”. Well, nobody qualifies, Tanki, is what is really being said by their silence.

Also, I think people don’t want to appear to be shallow or disingenuous because they really do appreciate the seriousness of your traumatic experience and the ongoing agony of having to live with that in your head 24/7, but they literally cannot empathize with that. Empty agony. But I think they are in a kind of virtual shock because their imaginations conjure up something frightening, so frightening that they don’t want to or probably can’t express that either. So, you get silence. And you don't really want them to have to have experienced the same just to be able to empathize with you. Empty agony. And so it's this weird form of empty agony...and then people move on, including you, because you have to!

And if this isn't what's going on,, then any and every one is perfectly free and encouraged to post in and contest that-- BRING-IT-ON! !

 
Old 06-12-2004, 07:56 AM   #6
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Re: My story PT1

thanks apicone ....

I guess if it was a simple post with one word then at least i'd know you know what I mean?

If there is no one posting someone I try to get to them because I don't want them thinking no one cares. I guess I thought that some people would understand cause I see posts similar to mine. Maybe it's too much of a trigger, who knows.

Ah well, nothing I can really do I guess. I'm not in the place anymore. But it does come back and haunt me from time to time. Maybe it always will. But i'm ok with that now, as of 3 months ago I wouldn't be because 3 months ago I was still plauged with PTSD ... so i've come along way in my recovery, I hope that I stay there.
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Old 06-12-2004, 01:45 PM   #7
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Re: My story PT1

Thanks bak!
I'm very glad to hear you are on the up-scalator from the depths... I have this mental model of 'run-away-and-hide': I'm on this open elevator, feeling very vulnerable and it's far down so I'm safe and it's dark so no one can see me but I can see the light way up above so I know I can get back. I can feel whether I'm going down or hanging there or going up. That I'm on the elevator tells me that I ran-away-and-hid, and I know it's safe if the elevator's coming up. All that usually happens in a flash and only when I feel threatened, which isn't often but it's there when I need it.
I also have to tell you that I had some auto-immune system problems when I was a kid that left me extra-sensitive, so it doesn't take alot to spook me to begin with.
It's like: "What's the matter, are you nervous?" Me: Oh. Oh, no, I'm OK!
Hang in there!

 
Old 06-13-2004, 07:38 AM   #8
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Re: My story PT1

I'm overly sensitive as well, sensitive to some meds etc. I am not as bad as I use to be. But I do worry alot and feel uncomfortable walking alone at night. If the sun is up I don't worry, but once it gets dark I walk looking over my shoulder.

I'm pretty much in recovery in terms of my PTSD. 2 months ago I was not, I was still plauged so after 8 years I reached that stepping stone even though I still can trigger easily, still get body memories from time to time, but when this happens and if it happens at home or here at my boyfriends place I know i'm safe, as long as I tell myself this then it's ok. I used to get them bad that I would have to scrunch up and hide my face until the feeling passed. I used to be obsessed with reading up on the stuff that happened... I even bought the movie trapped because it triggered me, and I bought it. My psychiatrist told me to throw it out but I didn't. I guess I bought it because i'm not too sure why certain parts triggered me. Guess to find a better understanding. That is likely why sometimes when i'm depressed I look back which isn't the best thing to do because I could get stuck there again. But I usually know when I'm going to be there so I put it away.
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Old 06-14-2004, 09:19 AM   #9
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Re: My story PT1

You really are getting it together! I really admire you for your perseverance. I know what you mean about when the sun goes down. Stay in good health and be happy but watch your backside-kind of thing, you know what I mean? I know there no guardian but networking's at least some kind of safety net, so keep on networking, and best wishes 2U!

 
Old 06-14-2004, 09:33 AM   #10
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Re: My story PT1

thanks apicone.

yeah i've come along way in just a few months and i'm proud of it.

now i just want to help others get where i am now ... i never thought i'd ever be here. but life is good now.
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Old 06-14-2004, 04:29 PM   #11
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Re: My story PT1

Hey there Tanki!
I did read your original post, but I also was following through with something we'd posted about earlier...I started another book. This time, I picked a good starting point. Your post inspired me to do this, so I'm afraid I forgot to post to you, and immediately went to my desktop to open a file for my book.
I also am very sensitive, especially after dark, and when I'm alone. Evey noise seems to be aimed at me, so I get jittery...hate that feeling!
I'm so sorry I didn't post. I DID mean to!!
You just keep going. You are helping so many people here on these boards, me VERY included!! I am so happy for you in the progress you've made so far, and I keep looking forward to hearing about your progress.
Keep it up!!!!

 
Old 06-14-2004, 07:04 PM   #12
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Re: My story PT1

Hey Zinmah,

I haven't started to write, who knows if I will, it's just that I don't have any privacy and perfer to do it over the computer and keep it on a disk then hand write it.

When i'm alone at night I get the jitters too, I always think someone is going to break into my house. Hate that feeling, but I had it even before I was abused, so who knows.

I've been doing better, going away for 4 days on Saturday, so i'll be around most of the week.

I wish I could get on that bandwagon to right. I guess when I don't have the privacy to do it I just don't want too. Did that make sense? lol.

Thanks for writting back to me, and talk to you soon.
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Old 06-15-2004, 06:46 AM   #13
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apinecone HB User
Re: My story PT1

peace

 
Old 06-15-2004, 06:04 PM   #14
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zimnah HB User
Re: My story PT1

Do try to write: you certainly know how. If nothing else, when you post things here, maybe print them or copy/paste to a differet folder? That way, you can post and write in the same moment, whenever you get a moment of privacy. You have so much to share!!
I will let you all know when I finish my book (truth is, I'll let you all know IF I finish my book LOL), and I sincerely hope Tanki, dear, that you are posting the same.
Love to you all!!

 
Old 06-15-2004, 07:11 PM   #15
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apinecone HB User
Re: My story PT1

Thanks. I do save things but I am highly disorganized. I need an H&R Block that does Directories. Actually, I don't walk and chew gum very well at the same time very well but I can think and type well at the same time. I knew that if I stood a chance at something less than total frustration it would involve typing fast. 20 years later.... Watch this: [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[hugz]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]].
pretty good, huh? I would very much like to read your [plural] books. Please let us know when/how to do that, OK? Best wishes!

 
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