Dsprink

I am 50 years old and found out 9 months ago that I have had PTSD since age of 5 and grew up with it and never knew it. I have lived life and married twice with children and had everyday stress like everyone else . I remember in my first marriage I had an affair and thought it was ok because my wife was treating me ok but I saw it as bad and left the marriage thinking she was the problem. now 25 years later with PTSD and Clinical Depression I met a wonderful woman who I love dearly. Before we were married I was down and out somewhat and got online and met a woman who I wanted as a friend and after a year we became closer than friends and I had a one night stand and then realized that I didn't really know her or wanted this type of relationship . I hid it from my now current separated wife and it caught up with me. The good thing out of all this is truly one thing and that was I finally found out about the PTSD and Clinical depression. I realize now that I grew up emotionally numb and non trusting and couldn't find emotional closeness. This affected everyone including my first chldren and now my current wife and we have a beautiful child and she is my life. I have been on medicine and having talk therapy for 9 months and am beginning to feel some emotions. I am having a hard time seeing I have hurt two familys with this PTSd disease and have tried to make ammends. I have ask and left it up to them if they chose to respond. My two boys will get old enough they may try down the road. My wife now is very hurt and lost trust in me and won't come to my therapy and see that her husband did these things because of medical illnesses. I didn't do it as a character issue. maybe in time she will listen and see the differences. Being emotionally numb truly hurts us all.