Wow. That's all I can say at the moment. I can relate..sort of. I was molested by a female live-in babysitter (I'm female) from 7-9 years of age. My first time (HA!) was also rape. My first child was a result of rape when I was 17. I always thought the ultimate betrayal was incest. If you can't trust your own family, who can you trust, right?
Well, you can't trust your family, that much is clear. It doesn't matter why they didn't listen. You still had to carry the burden. I did a lot of research in the course of therapy on molestation. The molesters can actually pick out a potential victim in a crowded cafeteria. They can almost sense the child who won't tell, or the child who won't be listened to. They have their own sort of "profiling." It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I simply met the criteria. I was a rather quiet child (kind of nerdy, really). Once I was molested, it was almost like I was "marked" in some way, like guys knew they could get away with ****** me. Part of me didn't even really care anymore. Like you, I just figured this was how guys behaved, and there was something wrong with me.
I'm 34 now, and I've learned one valuable lesson. There was nothing wrong with me...there was DEFINITELY something wrong with them. All of them. The same holds true for you. You may not really hate sex with your husband. You sound like you have a really close relationship with him (as I do with my husband), and you may be selling the relationship short if you "give in" or leave him because youthink he deserves sex. The main thing that separates a true friend from a lover is simply sex. I'm not so sure "marriage counseling" will work, as that implies there is something wrong with the marriage. Your marriage sounds great. You, however, seem to have a skewed vision of what sex means.
There's no quick answer for you. You have to somehow find something that is so markedly different in sex with your husband that you are able to separate it from what you went through as a child. First of all, drinking or no drinking, rape is rape. It doesn't matter if you didn't say no. What matters truly is that you did not say yes.
Now let me get a little personal (sorry!!) My husband and I had to work at this, taking it a little at a time. The first rule we made was that he could not be on top of me. That made me feel trapped. So I had to learn to be on top, which gave me a lot of control over not only my fears, but also how fast or slow. It made my mind refocus on what I wanted, not what he wanted. Also, long foreplay helped. I don't mean letting him fondle you. You take your time with him. Again, its all about you having control. The one common factor in all of the abuse you went through was the fact that you were subjected to the abuse when you were most vulnerable: asleep. Nighttime sex may not be your thing for a while. You may want to avoid even the bedroom. You also may want to try taking a short camping trip, and making love first thing in the morning in the tent. Whatever it takes, try to make at least one sexual experience with your husband satisfying to you...even if he is left frustrated. Now for the blunt part: see if he is willing to perform oral sex. It was always about what the guys wanted for you in the past. I can tell you that my husband has derived a lot of male satisfaction by making me weak in the knees, even if that's all he can do at that given moment. THe more different it is for you, even only one time, the better. That will establish the fact that your husband is different than the poeple who hurt you. He loves you.
I hope this helps.