Wow. That's all I can say at the moment. I can relate..sort of. I was molested by a female live-in babysitter (I'm female) from 7-9 years of age. My first time (HA!) was also rape. My first child was a result of rape when I was 17. I always thought the ultimate betrayal was incest. If you can't trust your own family, who can you trust, right?
Well, you can't trust your family, that much is clear. It doesn't matter why they didn't listen. You still had to carry the burden. I did a lot of research in the course of therapy on molestation. The molesters can actually pick out a potential victim in a crowded cafeteria. They can almost sense the child who won't tell, or the child who won't be listened to. They have their own sort of "profiling." It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I simply met the criteria. I was a rather quiet child (kind of nerdy, really). Once I was molested, it was almost like I was "marked" in some way, like guys knew they could get away with ****** me. Part of me didn't even really care anymore. Like you, I just figured this was how guys behaved, and there was something wrong with me.
I'm 34 now, and I've learned one valuable lesson. There was nothing wrong with me...there was DEFINITELY something wrong with them. All of them. The same holds true for you. You may not really hate sex with your husband. You sound like you have a really close relationship with him (as I do with my husband), and you may be selling the relationship short if you "give in" or leave him because youthink he deserves sex. The main thing that separates a true friend from a lover is simply sex. I'm not so sure "marriage counseling" will work, as that implies there is something wrong with the marriage. Your marriage sounds great. You, however, seem to have a skewed vision of what sex means.
There's no quick answer for you. You have to somehow find something that is so markedly different in sex with your husband that you are able to separate it from what you went through as a child. First of all, drinking or no drinking, rape is rape. It doesn't matter if you didn't say no. What matters truly is that you did not say yes.
Now let me get a little personal (sorry!!) My husband and I had to work at this, taking it a little at a time. The first rule we made was that he could not be on top of me. That made me feel trapped. So I had to learn to be on top, which gave me a lot of control over not only my fears, but also how fast or slow. It made my mind refocus on what I wanted, not what he wanted. Also, long foreplay helped. I don't mean letting him fondle you. You take your time with him. Again, its all about you having control. The one common factor in all of the abuse you went through was the fact that you were subjected to the abuse when you were most vulnerable: asleep. Nighttime sex may not be your thing for a while. You may want to avoid even the bedroom. You also may want to try taking a short camping trip, and making love first thing in the morning in the tent. Whatever it takes, try to make at least one sexual experience with your husband satisfying to you...even if he is left frustrated. Now for the blunt part: see if he is willing to perform oral sex. It was always about what the guys wanted for you in the past. I can tell you that my husband has derived a lot of male satisfaction by making me weak in the knees, even if that's all he can do at that given moment. THe more different it is for you, even only one time, the better. That will establish the fact that your husband is different than the poeple who hurt you. He loves you.
I hope this helps.
Zimnah's reply is much better than mine. She spoke from experience, and her advice is very good. I always learn something new every day!
Marriage counseling doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. The counselor can help you individually or together as a couple to help you overcome those emotions you are having right now. The counselor can give your husband right tools to help you out when you both are not in sessions, and you need help right away. If you prefer to handle this by yourself, maybe you can look for a right counselor. Or come to this board. I now realize there are a lot of people who have gone through similar situations like yours, and they can easily help you.
I hadn't given too much thought to seeing a marriage counselor.. I thought that those were for people who were basically on the verge of divorce because of not being able to get along anymore or infidelity problems. I guess I was wrong? Maybe THAT type of counselor would be able to help me out more than a regular one.
I truly don't have any other "problems" in my life, at least none that hinder me in any way besides the sex thing. I do have control issues, I HAVE to be in control of my life.. but I couldn't say that it's necessarily a bad thing. I don't get angry with people - or at least I don't lash out on anyone if things don't go my way, it just eats at me on the inside. I don't have anger (excluding PMS lol) or trust problems either. I'm fairly laid back.
Again, thank you both soooooo much for your advice. It does help to know that I'm not alone.. even though it's honestly sad to even say that. Just the thought that someone has had to go through this just kills me inside. NO ONE should have to go through this.
I guess in a way though, it's made me stronger in life now. I don't let people walk all over me anymore. I won't allow someone to attempt force me into anything. If I don't want to do something, by george, I'M NOT DOING IT!!!!!
Dee, that is exactly what our experiences do for us. They make us mountains of strength. I feel the same conviction, that no one will ever use me for anything again. It's a curious sort of freedom. I know my childhood wasn't normal, but it made me who I am, and people seem to like me now.
I may have misspoken when I said that marriage counselors were for marriages that were in trouble. THey do specialize in working with couples, which may be more helpful to you. Can't hurt. I really hope you're able to work your way through this. I only know how rewarding it is to share everything with my husband. It's so.....freeing. I can't think of another word for it.
As for controlling your own life, who better than you? More power to you on that one (I'm also a bit of a control freak, and I've learned to choose my battles so that things don't eat at me). Keep us posted here, and take care.
You can get over the sexual PTSD. Dreading the thought of seeing you or anyone naked can be resolved. You can train your brain to see things differently. It will require alot of effort and may seem like a pain,however it will surely be less painful than continuing to live with your situation.
I would reccomend seein a psychologyst NOT a marriage counselor.
I didn't get to read your thread because it was erased but i read all the others...I just want to say from my exprience.....As a child my sister and i were molested by a step father who then after six years of molesting us decided to commint suicide..... When i was able to tell my family they didn't believe me and disown me for even saying this...He passed when i was eleven and i was about seventeen when i told my mom so it took some time to tell my mom then she kicked me out, i no longer had anyone...
As i became older it became hard for me to become romanticly involve, i could be sexual but thats all it was....I fell totally in love with my husband but at the same time it was so hard for me to express it and i just couldn't explain it to him.... I was embaressed.... after eight years i decided we both couldn't live like this any more i needed help and he needed to understand why i'm the way i am, even though i really didn't want him to know.....I don't want him to think it's him and end my marriage that way....
What i'm trying to tell you is that we are in counceling once a month and it has done wonders for us..... I also do some sessions on my own to help my self which i've been doing for six months....At first it seems pointless but after i think it's been four months for us with our phychotherapist he has done wonders with us....My husband and i have a three day out a month if just for us together time, if we can [you know kids] but we both found something we enjoy and keeps us occupied it's trail riding on four wheelers don't have to much time of thinking when your riding....Didn't think i would enjoy it but i really did and it is alot of together time....We seem to be closer now than we were when we got married....Not every memory goes away but i have been more focus on the now than on the past....I'm not going to say everything is perfect because nothing is....We all have our moments...