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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 05-17-2004, 03:32 PM   #1
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Exclamation Thinking back ****Trigger****

When I think back I wonder if symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder happened earlier the I thought, with school, and that is how I got alot of school anixety? I remember being in the 'muppets' a class before Kindergarden. I remember on one occassion that I was standing by some building blocks and this little kid named Kris came over and strangled me, and the teacher really didn't do anything about it. My twin even remembers that. I think that triggered school anxiety for me then, cause I remember always feeling the symptoms, but obviously didn't know what they were at that time. Then I was tortured in school, which caused panic attacks , still not knowing what they are, but I didn't go back to school, I wanted too but couldn't. Then that triggered depression. Then I got into an abusive relationship, which I didn't know it as until a year and a half later. I was then in denial about the rape, that what I went through was verbal, mental, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I remember writting down a 3 or 4 page thing of all the things the ex did to me. I remember letting my then bf (even though it wasn't sexual, more like a good friend) read it and he couldn't finish reading it, and he told me it was abuse. I became depressed then. I think I started to write that after I told my Psychiatrist for the first time. Then the body memories surfaced, and I didn't know what they were, I didn't know what any of it really meant until this past year. After that abusive relationship ended I found myself in numerous sitiuations where I was either sexually harassed or assaulted. I always wondered why I was the target of stuff like this. Up until 3 yrs ago I realized what a real relationship was. I thought it was ok that I got treated that way. I also minimized the abuse, which kept me stuck in the past and dealing with the body memories and just remembering.

I remember at a young age that I would get 'daydreams everyday about rape, kidnapping, abuse etc. Just recently they have ended even though it happens once in awhile. I couldn't get myself out of them ,they were not dreams cause I was awake, and it was like movie playing in my head. What my psychiatrist told me to do about them was to change the ending where i'd fight and run away and be safe, I don't know still if i've done that. But they have ended, they do pop up from time to time though. I always use to put myself into potentially dangerous situations where things could have happened, or almost have. My psychiatrist told me alot of people do that with PTSD because they are trying to gain control back that they never have. I was doing that with my ex over the computer, and I wrote about that in the thread the butterfly and the spider theory. That was awhile ago, i'm pretty sure I posted that. That was also a turning point for me.

I don't know, just felt like writting this, does it make sense?
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Old 05-24-2004, 05:20 PM   #2
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

it makes a lot of sense. I've often wondered if there was something that happened earlier than my acknowledged abuse (which began at 7) that made me look like I was the sort of child who wouldn't tell. I remember always being somewhat quiet and withdrawn, but not really in a bad way. I always thought it was just because I'd learned to read at 3 yrs old and found books so much more friendly than kids my age.
Still and all, while I've studied the dynamics of abuse and recovery, and various profiles of pedophiles and predators, I still cannot identify that something that led my nanny to know, somehow, that I would not tell. Instead, I lived through 2 years of physical and mental torture, rape, and witnessed the death of countless animals and one 18 month old boy. I then spent teenage years and young adulthood also getting raped, and my ex husband was a violent alcoholic who, well, he wasn't very nice.
Posting here has been liberating in many ways. I'm still in therapy...thank God it's more socially acceptable these days.
Well, just thought I'd share right back LOL :-)

 
Old 05-25-2004, 07:27 AM   #3
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

zimnah,

Thanks for sharing, I'm just surprised that I can remember this memory of being strangled when I was probably only 4 years old. I'm sure that's how my anxiety came to be with school, and the fact that I was picked on in school and always felt that I was stupid. Then I got tourtred in high school during "gummer day" and was afraid to go to school also after that. I didn't know what was going on at age 15 with anxiety and panic attacks, and I was always depressed. Then at age 16 I started seeing a psychiatrist that I'm still currently seeing who diagnosed me with depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I then at that time was in an abusive relationship and didn't tell her because I didn't know it was abusive, even though it was all the abuse there was ranging from sexual, to emotional, verbal, to mental and some physical.

I was like I said above in numerous situations where I was sexually assaulted or harrassed, and situations where I'm sure rape could have occured again.

I'm over that hill in terms of my PTSD, I feel like i'm repeating myself, but I defeated the worse of it I think, now that I understand it and in doing that the symptoms have been less. I still get triggered, but I rarely get dreams anymore of flashbacks in a body memory etc. I'm no longer plauged with it, I can live with it and not be stuck there anymore.
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Old 05-25-2004, 04:09 PM   #4
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

you call it a hill...it's more like a mountain! Just getting through a day without some sort of attack, body, mind, or otherwise, and sleeping through a night without waking up in a cold sweat, not quite sure if my screaming or my thrashing woke my husband. I was also in numerous situations where I was abused, one way or the other...what took me the longest was to actually believe that I didn't deserve to be abused. I think you're right: I think you've defeated the worst of it. Incorporating the memories back into a "normal" life...let me know when you figure that one out. Every time I think I've just about got it, something trips me up, and I'm back talking to a therapist about the cuts on my arms. Still, I know I'm sooooo much stronger than I've ever been, and I don't go to pieces every time something goes wrong. I've been in a funk this past week, but maybe it's turning another years into my thirties......I wait 30 years to be old enough for people to take me seriously, and I end up getting depressed every birthday after that!! LOL as they say here in Pennsylvania, it sucks to be me! :-)

 
Old 05-26-2004, 05:40 PM   #5
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

I think i'm there.

If you've read my stuff on abuse issues I have come a long way. I'm up that hill ... and I'm over it.

As soon as I said that I LIVE with the REGRET that it happened, I can then move on. It was so empowering being able to do that. If you live with the regret then you are no longer stuck in the past, stuck in the rut with nightmares, flashbacks and so forth. I rarely get any anymore and it took me 8 years to get there. I no longer am triggered by a name, no longer in situations where I can be abused, raped, or sexually harrassed or assaulted. I always found that for some reason without even realizing it at the time it happened, but I would go against my gut feeling to get out of a situation, and before I could listen I was frozen. Aparently alot of people do this to gain the control that they lost.

[ removed ]

I've come a hell of a long way. Like I said, once I said that I can live with the regret I wasn't stuck anymore, it felt that there was a 1000 pound weight lifting off me and it was a wonderful feeling. I use to be completely plauged with ptsd, but now I rarely get symptoms. Triggers yes, but I'm ok with that. Wow, that sounds weird saying that. But it is true, and to hear my psychaitrist tell me that I am over that hill it was the best feeling ever.

I probably will always deal with the abuse, flashbacks I am sure will happen, and memories may pop up, but I know now that they are poping up for a reason, it means I'm ready to deal with those flashbacks and memories, and then I can heal more from that.

Take care of yourself, and if you feel the need to write me you are more then welcome too.

Take care.
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Last edited by moderator2; 05-27-2004 at 06:25 AM. Reason: Do not post any kind of off-board contact information. Please carefully review the Healthboards.com Policies and Guidelines. Click on Posting Rules at the top right of this page. Thank you!

 
Old 05-26-2004, 09:39 PM   #6
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

[ removed ]

I hear you about the triggers..that's all that's really left. There are the scars, but they fade in time...and the memories begin, silently, to incorporate themselves into your normal life...I found the most amazing well of strength. As you said, hang in there. Take your own advice, and take care of YOURSELF. Thanks again for the trust and friendship. It will be valued.
Dawn

Last edited by moderator2; 05-27-2004 at 06:27 AM. Reason: Do not post any kind of off-board contact information. Please carefully review the Healthboards.com Policies and Guidelines. Click on Posting Rules at the top right of this page. Thank you!

 
Old 06-04-2004, 03:28 PM   #7
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

hey Tanki: looks like we're out of jail! I hope you came out of that ban better than I did...I'll be posting on the self-injury boards for a while. I'm sorry for any part I played in getting us banned, and I know you were trying to help.
To anyone else reading this post, FOLLOW THE RULES!! I cannot stress this enough. The week I was banned felt like a year, and I cannot describe my relief at being "back."
The support in this community is too dear to be squandered, and I am that grateful to be allowed back.
Tanki, thanks for your support. Let's keep posting!!!
Dawn

 
Old 06-05-2004, 07:43 AM   #8
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Re: Thinking back ****Trigger****

Hey Girl,

We got it sorted it out now. It was my fault I should have known, all rules are different for different boards, so I should have re-read them since I haven't been here in a couple of years.

Life is good right now. I'll post what happened with my session soon. It's pretty postive.
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