I had my session with my psychiatrist this past week. I told her about telling my BF about past issues regarding the abuse. I didn't go into details but I wanted him to know how far I came, he doesn't see it, but he is not me.
I told him how I sometimes got triggered by him, I wanted to let him know, even though it hasn't happened in awhile.
He said at one point to get over it , and I told him it's not that easy, and that it's hard for him to understand any of it, because he never went through abuse and rape, and for that matter anxiety and depression to the extent that I get it.
He grabbed onto my arm and led me out to the back deck and he asked me if I triggered him. At first I thought this was weird, I thought maybe he was trying to trigger me. So I asked him that, and he said no.
I brought this up to my psychiatrist, and she said good for him. I asked her why? She said he's understanding, he asked you if you got triggered, because he doesn't want to trigger you ... I nodded. I can see that now but at the time I was weary about it cause it was a tight grip.
Otherwise the session today was very uplifting and postive. She said that i've come along way in a year with my out look on all 3 topics. That I understand it now, and can help people.
I brought it up to her that someone said to me, why don't you write a book?
I think I will, whether or not it gets published, that's not important.
I have so much postive energy, and I just want to help everyone.
Well that is what happened today, I know there is likely more, but this is enough.
I am so happy for you!! It's a big step to tell your BF that...it's a negative thing for him to hear, but there's nothing he can really do about it...my husband is also very understanding, though it is still hard for him when something in the bedroom triggers me. As we've both said before, it's a long, uphill battle. Most of that battle we fight alone. Keep going!!!
A book is a good idea, but be a little wary. I got 120+ pages into mine, and it got so depressing...like going to a new therapist, and going through the whole nast mess of it all again. I've since gone back and tried to interject the "normal" moments in appropriate places ( I would like to publish my story..I've published essays and articles, but this would be more personal, and maybe helpful so someone else), but the "normal" scenes just made the abusive ones all the more pitiful (I hate that word, but cannot come up with one better right now). I soon dropped the book in favor of more interesting (and less triggering) pursuits, but maybe I'll revisit the idea...please let us know if you go with it. I think it would be a powerful work that could help to inspire not only you, but others who have been through similar circumstances.
Again, I am so happy for you. Keep going!!!
I originally really didn't see it an issue before, why tell him, ya know what I mean? I didn't think he'd understand, actually I don't think he does still, but at least he asked. No one can really understand what that feels like unless they have gone through it themselves. I no longer am triggered in bedroom. Well I use to, but triggers in a body memory, I never completely understood why I was getting it, but I knew it was something. But no problems now, because I know I am safe with it. When you get triggered and are with someone that you trust completely not to hurt you the only real way is to let him keep touching you that way, so you know it's safe, and then that will not be a trigger anymore. It sucks, but it works.
I'm sure the book idea will bring me down a bit, but as long as I know that there is a good ending to it then that will keep me going until I hit the postive ending that has happen so far. I'm sure it will be hard, because i'll have to dig in the past to write some stuff out, but i'm ok with that, and i've never been ok with it before. So that is also something new.
you're right about the trust thing. I was triggered all the time by my ex, but then agian, I didn't trust him, and he hurt me a lot. With my husband, it only happens now if I have a nightmare, then I am so far away that I don't recognize that I'm safe until I'm able to wake up...but that doesn't happen too often anymore either. (hurray!!!)
Well, now you've got me thinking that I should pull out the old disk and have another go. It was very therapeutic to commit to, well not paper, but at least to writing, what happened. You have a much more positive attitude than I do about 'something new!' I'll have to work on that one, too. I say, give it a go. It will be hard, but you have come so far, why stop? :-)
I used to be triggered all the time because of the abuse and the rape that I went through the hands of my ex. Everyone after that triggered me, even friends. I found myself in numerous unwated situations where I was sexually assaulted, or harrassed. And I thought, Gee thanks, do I have a target on my head? From the age of 16 -21 I had that happen, until I met my guy in 2001. Even with him at the begining I got triggered, but once I understood it more it go easier. When I dealt with the past, and didn't live in the past it got better, I learned to regret it, because anyone can live with regret and move on with there life. I use to live with the guilt and the shame, but now it's only regret. I still get triggered here and there, and who knows I might for the rest of my life, but I am ok with that, and I Can live with that and deal with it when it comes. Because i'm much stronger now then I ever use to be, i'm empowered!
If you feel that you can go ahead and write again, do it. It might help you in the end. You are right in away writting is theraputic, I don't know why I don't write as often, well I do in a journal, so I guess that is the same thing.
I never use to have a postive attitude, it took 8 years to really get it, you'll get there too...