I was on another board that I am on, cause I moderate on it, and was reading a post from this person on GAD, and he/she whoever it was said where they were from on the board, and it happens to be the place where my ex (abusive) lives..
That sucked!! And it is still really bothering me. [curse]
OK...I can relate to even this...
I'm on a sabbatical working as a customer service rep for an insurance company (even I have to eat LOL), and a woman calls today ( no lie) who is 45, spent the past 20 years in an abusive relationship, and is getting a divorce. She's gained the chutzpah to move out on her own and sue for divorce. I don't even know her, and I am so proud of her. (she has to call on her insurance plan, which by divorce decree, is still under her husband's name. She also has never been out on her own. That broke my heart)
Customer service in general has a concept of "handling time;" namely, an average time it takes you to get the caller off the phone (the sooner the better). That way, you can help more people in less time...supposedly.
Tanki, sweetie, this woman's experiences, after the 40 minutes I spent with her, killed me. I had to request time off the phones to just cry. Her husband cut her, and took her to the hospital, claiming she'd attempted suicide..mine did the same thing. There will always be a trigger, because we've both been through so much. I think the point is: there is no chance on this earth that you are the only one who has gone through this, no matter which experience we are talking about. Me either. It hurts knowing we are not alone, because someone else has suffered as well...but neither one of us can help that fact of life. We can just straighten up, shake it off, and be there as survivors and offer what support we have to spare. What other choice??
Hang in there, kiddo...I know how you feel.
I think what the actual fear is , was not the name itself but a WHAT IF. WHAT IF this person who is in the same city as him knows who he is. What if he finds out that i'm on boards such as this one and starts havoc? I know it's a long shot, and I know i'm likely going overboard with this, and probably over reacting, but I think that is the actual worry.
I wrote it down on paper, the trigger, the cause and the worry and I will bring it to my doctor the next session that I have with her which is in a months time.
I think that is what i'll do for now on is write it out like I did. I shouldn't let this bother me. But then it got me thinking not only of him but J, P, G, G,C ,S, J and T as well. Boo, it sucks. That from the years of 1996- 2001 there was always something with them threatening me, assaulting me, and or harrassing me.
Sometimes I thought is there a target on my head that says something that I am not aware of.
I remember the last guy I was with told me that if I didn't get off him or something like that , he'd have to rape me ,and he said he meant it. I was weirded out by that and it triggered me because my ex that abused me and that I had the most recent trigger with use to theaten me with that as well.
Even Tequila triggers me, because I was kinda passed out when 'T' assaulted me, I knew what was going on, but froze.
Still not comfortable being around him to this day, but I rarely see him anymore.
I always freak when something comes out of my ex's area, no matter the source. If it's mentioned on the news, if I get a call from a member at work...writing it down is a good thing. I guess I've managed to condition myself over the years to triggers like that from the others who abused me...but the name of the original abuser, and my ex husband are two I can't quite shake.
Before my current job, I was clergy for 10 years. That involved in being really out there and present in the community. Unless I was in my own synagogue, I was scared. I was especially worried when I or my (current) husband were quoted in the newspaper, or appeared on the local news in a story about Jewish observances (smaller towns do stuff like that: not enough news, too much air time, I guess!)There was always that WHAT IF, what if he was traveling through and happened to turn on the tv? What if some idiot on the AP picked up the interview my husband gave during the last elections regarding Joe Leiberman running??
the WHAT IF game got very exhausting. I deeply value my obscurity. I think that the truth of the matter is: no matter how small the world feels these days, what with the internet, air travel, etc. the planet is still the same size it was 100 years ago. Even if that poster did know your ex, how would that person ever connect you? That's the beauty of these boards. Even though I sometimes sign my first name, there are a milion Dawns in the US and UK. Guess which one I am?
I am usually ok with stuff like that where my ex lives. I have family that lives there, but I do look down the street where his grandma lives still since I turned the opposite way when going to my own grandparents place. It use to trigger me more before, now not so much, but this did bother me.
I think the ex would contact me by phone, or here on the computer. Or IF this person knew him, told him he'd go to the board that this person was on and read up on the posts and start havoc. This has happened before not with me but I know people who have had to deal with their abusive ex being imposters on a board, it has happened. So if it can happen to them why not me?
So, I was at the therapist's today, and I asked the same question..we were talking about how I need to blend into the wallpaper on most levels, but there is this part of me that demands to be noticed. I explained that, if I am noticed, then when I am abused, people will care. It's like that guy who climbs the light pole on a shoulder to shoulder crowded street (maybe you've seen that U2 video??) Anyway, the guy can't see over anyone else's head, so he climbs the lightpole to see how far the crowd stretched. Everyone notices him, because he's 4-5 feet above all the others, but he has a bird's eye view, as it were, so if someone were to (for instance) throw a rock, he'd see it coming before anyone else, and would be able to duck. I told my therapist that I was like that. I'd rather be the guy on the light pole, even if everyone could see me, because then I could see him coming. I'd see him before he got to me, even if he saw me at the same time.
It's the same thing here, Tanki...you have been here for a while, and you are a presence. If he comes, you'll know. He may cause havoc, but don't you think he'd be reported to the moderators by at least a dozen of us?? By posting your fear, you are alerting us all to watch for him. If you keep letting us all know what to watch for, we'll get him long before he gets you. You're not alone.
You are right zimnah. About alerting people about this, but I know this board is safe, the one that I help moderate i'm concerned with.
Sometimes I think i'm just stupid about this, but if he does get on that board ever, then yes they will ban him, but there could be phone calls etc. When he doesn't believe the he did the things that he did he gets angry at me ... and so forth. He never believed he was in the wrong, and that what happened never did and i'm telling people how evil he is etc.
But I think he has a guilty self image or something cause one day he said out of no where... "why are you telling people I abused you?" He got mad, and I didn't even say anything that day... so he must feel guilty about something, otherwise why the outburst? This happened like 2 yrs ago.
I'm feeling better about it, but it is like the what if..........
He sounds absolutely textbook...the first semester of psychology, there is a profile in one of the textbooks. He fits the profile to a T. It must be very frustrating to him to be soooo preedictable! LOL
Hang in there. You don't tell people that he's evil...you just tell people about him. If he hears that he's evil, then he's hearing it from within, and that may be the only voice he ever really hears. I suspect he's a bit afraid of the fact that he really may be evil.
Stay strong. We're here for you.
that is the point, dearheart: I still get triggered in many little ways in various aspects of my daily life. It's almost (and I stress ALMOST) second nature to quickly rethink the situation, or trigger, and analyse what I'm reacting to. Telling someone is a bit like warning them, so I am no longer alone on the lookout. I can't explain it exactly, but voicing the fear makes it tangible, which gives that fear a limit in size and strength. Its no longer some nebulous demonic blackness hovering just behind me, waiting to swell up and gobble me up. It's limited to the words I write or say, and just somehow loses power. Its a lot like turning on the light when that shadow in the dark frightens you. You flip the switch, and realise it's your husband's bath towel, which he insists on draping over the corner of the door, rather than hanging it properly in the bathroom! LOL
If you have the opportunity to see the new Harry Potter, then do. There are creatures called dementors in it, and they seem to be like PTSD personified. Seeing Harry Potter learn how to diminish their strength gives me an idea or two of how to battle my own 'dementors.'
Take care, and keep posting!!