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Old 06-15-2004, 07:20 PM   #1
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Blank Memories of Childhood

Hi,
I was diagnosed a while ago with PTSD....Now i'm in therapy and i'm on meds...My question is that my childhood memories i remember very few, why is that??I don't remember under the age of five when my parents got divorced....From 5 to 12 is so blurry but i do have flash backs of stuff that did happen to me as a child....So i do know that i was molested by my step father and a baby sister but i only remember bits and pieces....I only notice this because my therapist wanted to discuss this and it's like i can fill in some blanks....Will my memory ever come back????As i get further into my past with my therapist it seems to get harder and harder i begin to shake but i can not cry why???Right now i have stopped for awhile with talking about the past and now focusing on the present....Is it just best to leave it alone???

 
Old 06-17-2004, 08:34 AM   #2
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

what you are describing is classic PTSD. At the time you went through the abuse, you're brain simply could not cope or comprehending what was happening to you, so it simply shut down. Now, accessing those memories will be difficult, because you not only have to prompt your brain to remember, but you also have to convince your brain that you can handle them. Over the years, I've learned to trust my brain over my feelings. If you can't remember, then you're not ready, and the memory will hurt you all the more. Whatever happened to you will come back eventually, and it won't be pretty. It will most likely scare you to pieces. As for not crying, I think that's normal too. After all, the most prevalent aspect of sexual abuse is keeping silent about it. I finally (after almost 30 years) remember most of the details of what I went through...when I speak of them, I look out the window (it's like I can see it all over again) and I don't speak loudly. I just go numb, and tell what I see. It takes a long while to build up enough strength to remember what happened to you. You'll remember eventually. Just don't rush it.

 
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Old 06-17-2004, 04:39 PM   #3
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

Thanks so much for helping understanding my issue more....I understand what you mean...My sister in law was raped when she was 19...One day i was having trouble with my meds and i knew that she would be the person to call because she has been dealing with this for along time...So when she came over we dicussed the meds but that's all i wanted to discuss....I haven't really told anyone that i'm going for help and on meds for PTSD and Bipolar....The only people that know is my husband, my close sister and my best friend, that's it....She started to tell me about her experience and i listen but at the same time i knew what she was doing....She asked what i was diagnosed as and i told her...Then she came out and asked why so i told her quickly i was molested as a child by my step father from the age 5 to 12....I was not ready to talk to her about my past....She would be the person that would tell all the in laws as well...As i sat there and listen to her talk for about an hour or so i felt numb and blank....I started to sweat and at one time when going into detail i felt as if i could pass out...Then before she left she said well i don't what the difference in rape and being molested is....I didn't understand what she meant, maybe how it affects a person..Then she wanted me to go out and buy some book she bought...I'm not into making crafts to showing my feelings...I guess that's what this book tells you to do to help you cope with your problems....

 
Old 06-17-2004, 08:27 PM   #4
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apinecone HB User
Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

Hi. I agree with Zimnah; she has great insight on this. I have a very different trauma basis but I think there's a generic part that's really important to understand-- Zimnah pointed it out when advising to let yourSELF take its own time. I think of that SELF as my protector; it's keeping that/those traumas bottled up so that you can heal internally enough to re-integrate your psychoemotional fabric or infrastructure, whatever, so that it is strong eoungh to deal with letting the trauma back into your 'open' brain, almost like the 'society' of your regular thoughts and feelings, etc. Because "it" is and . Your SELF is protecting you. Listen to your SELF; tune into it. I know it's tricky, because your instinct is to totally submerge/block the trauma, and that's exactly right, as far as I can see. But you can look to your SELF without having to look the trauma in the face, so to speak. When you and your SELF are together enough, ie YOU are re-integrated, then the one YOU will be completely back and thenyou can have the strength to do it 'in stride', which hopefully at that point will be when you have a support system in place to help keep you on top of it as it comes back and courses through your open psyche. That's it, straightaway. BEST wishes to you and keep working on that support system; build your strength in all ways you can.

 
Old 06-21-2004, 07:58 PM   #5
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

apinecone, that is exactly what I was aiming for. All we can ever do, regardless of that nature of the trauma, be it a horrible accident, a rape, a kidnapping, molestation, whatever, there is only so much we humans can process over any given amount of time. Give your brain, or your psyche, a chance to catch up with your intellect. In the meantime, your intellect processes information in realtime, so you get what you can understand then and there. Start researching the concepts of what you may have been through, and the possible reactions through individual stages of development. That way, if something weird happens to you, and you search your mind for why this may be happening, hopefully you will have read something that describes this as a normal side effect at this stage of recognition and cognitive interpretation. Hang in there, becaue we are all certainly in this together...the most primal sense of PTSD is a sense of being alone and defensless. Here, you are neither, so that takes care of the scariest part! Post often, dear, and let us all be here for you!

 
Old 06-21-2004, 09:15 PM   #6
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apinecone HB User
Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

[[[ self ]]]

primal is FUBAR

- - -
momma don't go
daddy come home

John Lennon

Crippled Inside

You can shine your shoes and wear a suit
You can comb your hair and look quite cute
You can hide your face behind a smile
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

You can wear a mask and paint your face
You can call yourself the human race
You can wear a collar and a tie
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

Well now you know that your
Cat has nine lives
Nine lives to itself
But you only got one
And a dog's life ain't fun
Mamma take a look outside

can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

Well now you know that your
Cat has nine lives
Nine lives to itself
But you only got one
And a dog's life ain't fun
Mamma take a look outside

You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside

----------

How?

How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?
Oh no, oh no

How can I have feeling when I don't know if it's a feeling?
How can I feel something if I just don't know how to feel?
How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied?
Oh no, oh no

You know life can be long
And you got to be so strong
And the world is so tough
Sometimes I feel I've had enough

How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving?
How can I give love when I just don't know how to give?
How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?
Oh no, oh no

You know life can be long
You've got to be so strong
And the world she is tough
Sometimes I feel I've had enough

How can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing?
How can we go forward when we don't know which way to turn?
How can we go forward into something we're not sure of?
Oh no, oh no

 
Old 06-21-2004, 09:48 PM   #7
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apinecone HB User
Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

yeah primal sux

i was sitting here
elbows on knees
head in hands
blanking my eyes
remembering about john's pain
thinking about his question

how do you sleep at night?

and my mind was drawn to a day
when bullies pelted me
in my face with snow balls
that had rocks in them
conked my chin
got a fat lip
bled in class
smarting
got a tic

i just had it again
50 years later

muscle twitched
faded away
and i knew my hurt
still hid there

it sunk into my stomach
panged awhile
perfused up
and left tears welling in my eyes
as it vanished back
to its primal place

Last edited by apinecone; 06-21-2004 at 09:52 PM.

 
Old 07-09-2004, 09:19 PM   #8
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

thank u all for this post. it lets me know that i'm not going crazy. the alone and defensless part really hit home.

 
Old 08-04-2004, 09:55 AM   #9
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Tanki HB User
Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

Trauma usually results in some memory loss.
I don't remember somethings, but awhile back I came across some writtings I did about my ex and was shocked that I couldn't recall some of the things that happened to me, only when I read it did I remember it.

Time heals, memories will resurface once you are ready to deal with them. We cannot force them to come, they have to come on their own even if its 10 yrs later. The more you try to remember the further back you are pushing them back in your mind.
__________________
~Tanki

 
Old 12-22-2006, 09:57 PM   #10
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hergy HB User
Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

I so know where you're coming from. I'm right where you are in therapy. I've hit my emotional max in therapy, so she's guiding me to lighter subjects. I'm impatient and want to rush things, but she advises against forcing issues.

Memory loss is a common defense mechanism. If you can't remember, don't force it. When you're ready to deal with those things, they'll appear.

I was raped by a group of boys when I was 4. I can't remember every detail and I wish I could. I know what happened, so I want the whole picture. I have other blocks throughout my life, as well. In fact, I was in an abusive relationship when I was 23. We started off as best friends. I can't remember our friendship at all - not a conversation, a vacation, nothing. I can remember the abuse, though. I hate the memory blocks. But a lot of times, the mind knows best.

You'll be ok. Stick with therapy. It takes time.

Nikki

 
Old 12-22-2006, 11:42 PM   #11
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

Dear all,

The thing with having PTSD, one usually does not remember everything that happenned during the traumatic event. It is actually one of the disorders' symptoms.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

 
Old 12-23-2006, 07:14 AM   #12
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

I think that sometimes it is just best to work on the present. I have mentioned this many times all over the boards that my best therapy was Gestault which is learning to be in the present all of the time and aware of how you are feeling and reacting to present situations and people. With this therapy you only go back in time if it is connected with a current issue. If you are in a situation which is making you uncomfortable you would analyze this and figure out why and then work on it. Learning to always be in the present is a great way to live. You enjoy people and life if you are present. Many people live their lives in the past or the future.

(BTW, I hope readers of this post realize that the previous posters are probably not around anymore, this thread is 2 1/2 years old.)

Last edited by Sannah; 12-23-2006 at 07:15 AM.

 
Old 12-24-2006, 03:49 AM   #13
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Re: Blank Memories of Childhood

good morning----Sannah you are so right. i had an incident a couple of weeks ago having lunch with my daughter. all of a sudden i started to have a major anxiety attack. for the first time in my life i was able to stop and think about what was goind on and what we were talking about that could have brought this on. It wasn's a trauma i was remembering but a very hurtful event between me and my mother. once i knew the anxiety passes. it was in the past and I guess since the conversation between me and my daughter reminded me the anxiety started. i am trying to do that each time i have an anxiety attack, it's almost a stop, look and listen. it worked though it took some time to figure out. I am also starting to see the way i put tramas and hurts together in the same category. working on that also. i knew this thread was old but since newbies were visitng i wanted to see if someone was hurting.

Hugs,
ICC

 
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