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Old 07-04-2004, 02:58 PM   #1
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pfunk HB User
Nightmares and Things

I am 24 but was raped by a group of older adolescents when I was in elementary school. Lately, I have been having tons and tons of problems and I want to know why they are getting so much worse as time goes on.

I had been having pelvic pain for a long time, which my old doctor seemed to attribute to having been raped. Apparently, she thought it was completely psychosomatic.

I have now been diagnosed with an unspecified ovarian tumor and had to go to a gynecologic oncologist. I prefer not to see male doctors but I didn't have a choice most gyn onc's are male and all of those in my region of my state are male. I usually don't become so hysterical before doctors appointments but I usually go to female doctors. This time I was crying from the moment I walked into the waiting room until after the examination.

That night I woke up from my sleep, truly believing that there was someone in my house, I became ice cold, couldn't move, and screamed at the top of my lungs for the peson that I believed to be there to leave, waking my roommate.

Has anyone experienced anything similar to this, meaning getting worse instead of better?

 
Old 07-04-2004, 03:53 PM   #2
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ainfante HB Userainfante HB Userainfante HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

Quote:
Originally Posted by pfunk
I am 24 but was raped by a group of older adolescents when I was in elementary school. Lately, I have been having tons and tons of problems and I want to know why they are getting so much worse as time goes on.

I had been having pelvic pain for a long time, which my old doctor seemed to attribute to having been raped. Apparently, she thought it was completely psychosomatic.

I have now been diagnosed with an unspecified ovarian tumor and had to go to a gynecologic oncologist. I prefer not to see male doctors but I didn't have a choice most gyn onc's are male and all of those in my region of my state are male. I usually don't become so hysterical before doctors appointments but I usually go to female doctors. This time I was crying from the moment I walked into the waiting room until after the examination.

That night I woke up from my sleep, truly believing that there was someone in my house, I became ice cold, couldn't move, and screamed at the top of my lungs for the peson that I believed to be there to leave, waking my roommate.

Has anyone experienced anything similar to this, meaning getting worse instead of better?
Yes, I have. I'm in therapy and much older than you. I wish I had gone to therapy right after the two gang rapes I experienced in high school. I'm not 45, so you can see how long ago that is. But they come up with any other stress or trauma you may experience. They are called trigger points. Now, true, the ovarian tumor could be giving you the pelvic pain, but because you have been raped and so very young, your body is recognizing it as the continuation of the rape. Now with the male gyne's observing and checking you out inside, the mind can only go so far with this. So therefore, it's the nightmares and the intrusion feeling, cause this is how you felt when you were raped. Hard for me to totally explain to you, I'm not a therapist. How about going to therapy or returning to therapy if you've gone in the past?


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Old 07-06-2004, 02:50 PM   #3
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zimnah HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

I don't think you're getting worse, but you certainly are feeling worse. It seems like you were able to keep that experience firmly in your past, back when it happened, and now all of this is bringing it to the forefront again. If it wasn't dealt with thoroughly then (given your age, there was no way it could have been) then these triggers will set you off. Nighmares, sleeplessness, anxiety, extreme fear, expecially of having a male over you while you feel helpless...it's more than most women could deal with, and that much more so for you.
Cancer, either beniign or malignant, really requires follow-up, especially if malignant. You have the possibility of having to deal with the gyn onc for a while to come. Even though you will probably cry hysterically the whole time, let him know about your past. He can go the extra step of making sure before any testing that you feel comfortable. Maybe there's a nurse that can help you feel comfortable? Or a key word that when you say it, the doctor just stops and waits for you to calm down. Just extreme tension can skew tests results, and this is serious enough.
I really feel for you. I was abused by a group of women, so I'm actually a little more comfortable with a male gyn...good thing, too, since every time I had a child (3 in all) the army only supplied male obstetricians. LOL
I had a hard time with a lot of the techs when I was dealing with breast cancer a few years ago...it made it really hard. It was hard to decide what upset me more: the memories and triggers invading my mind, or the cancer invading my body. In the end, it was cancer I had to fight, and I won. I just got so angry with being invaded in so many ways, and I guess I decided I wan't going to be helpless anymore. I began to think right before sleep about those who'd abused me, and picture the doctors gunning them down at the knees (I know, but I grew up in the military, so what did you expect? LOL) Whatever you have to tell yourself to combat the tension and anxiety, whatever works... truth is, even with a benign tumor (they can cause problems as well) these doctors are here to help you survive. They weren't the ones who hurt you. Some of your treatments may be extremely uncomfortable, and body memories will persist...but this is a fight you can win, in spite of pain or discomfort. You are not helpless. Keep that in your mind, and have them help you with this feeling as well.
Good luck, and keep posting. We are all survivors in one way or another, some of us in more ways than one. I really hope this helps you.
:-)

Last edited by zimnah; 07-06-2004 at 02:59 PM.

 
Old 07-06-2004, 04:00 PM   #4
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tat888 HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

Pfunk,

I would also recommend therapy. but in addition to trying that (which I personally not believe can do it all and I am an RN), I would seek out some energy work, called Shen or something similar or a body/energy worker who can work on your emotional body. This work, if they are good, will relieve traumas, phobias, etc. Even in the east coast bible belt area there are some of these types of workers. I saw a teacher in Edmonds washington, who was excellent. Some of these workers will just shift the energy and therefore it may return after a short while but, there are some good ones out there. Traumas are also stored eventually in the tissues. This type of worker can also be an adjunct to other therapies if those traditional therapists etc are open to the idea of you working with others also. I even know chiropractors who can shift this type of energy to restore your well being.

And if you are into the idea of energy, you might understand that disease occurs in that field first before it becomes in the 3rd dimensional physical reality. I would not pay for a Reiki treament, or natural force, therapeutic touch treament for that although nice for some things will not really take care of this. I am also a Reiki Master and have done alot of other methods. I am also very aware and sensitive to energies. Now if they are also reiki attuned and have this other therapy credentials I would consider it. But ask them if they specifically can work on the emotional body of the aura. If they need you to explain do not go to them.

Alot of things occur to us when we experience a trauma but mainly, our energy that usually keeps us healthy, becomes compromised and the perpetuating thoughts etc of that trauma can keep us in a vulnerable state, not to mention the damage to your energy field. That person can also mend your aura. Good Luck to you.

Last edited by tat888; 07-06-2004 at 04:05 PM.

 
Old 07-11-2004, 11:32 PM   #5
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pfunk HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

Thank you for your suggestions. I will see if I can try but I really have a hard time with all of this stuff. I just really don't trust people very much.

I really think that I should talk to someone again, but the problem is this. After it happened I was a mess for a little while and then I somehow sucked it up and went on for a couple of years and then one summer I thought about it and I started becoming very panicky, I couldn't be awake because within a few minutes of waking I would have these horribly visible memories and hyperventilate or cry. So I would get back in bed and somehow fall asleep. This went on for most of the summer and then stopped when school started and I was busy with my mind on other things.

I didn't think about again until I was in college and dating boys that I had not know for years for the first time in my life. I was okay for the first year or so. However, I eventually talked to my boyfriend about it and it was a strain on both of us and we fought, and I had anxiety attacks more so I decided to speak to the college's staff psychologist. I indicated that the anxiety was really unbearable and I was taking a bunch of classes and I didn't know if I could do well. The psychologist spoke to the Dean and said that he would see if I couldn't drop a class or two and take a little time for myself even though it was after the drop deadline. The psychologist told me that the Dean had indicated that if I wrote an appeal it would be looked upon very favorably, so I did. The psychologist called me with the results of the appeal saying that my appeal to drop two classes had been approved and I no longer needed to attend them. Several weeks later I got a letter in the mail from the Dean saying that my appeal had been denied. By this time, I had missed so much class and so much homework that it would have been impossible to have caught up. I spoke with the psychologist who indicated that he didn't understand because the Dean had agreed to allow this. I made an appointment to speak to the Dean after explaining the situation to the professors whose classes I had not attended and got their full support to drop their classes. When I walked into the Dean's office for that appointment he had just returned from his lunch break so he had not tidied up his desk before I was seated. Imagine my dismay to see that ALL of my protected health information supplied to the psychologist was laying on top of his desk, divulging all manner of personal details of my life to someone to whom such had not been authorized. I was once again completely violated! Then the ******* had the audacity to refuse to allow me to drop the classes. Finally, I just got my fathers lawyer to threaten a lawsuit and the ***** acquiesced.

Needless, to say I don't particularly trust health professionals of any sort or people in general much anymore, which is why I am very scared of all of this and the prospect of seeking treatment.

 
Old 07-13-2004, 01:32 AM   #6
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crazykatlady HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

I understand your fear of OBGYN's I would get major panic attacks. I was sexaully abused growing up and raped in high school. Then in college had an awful OB- during the exam he told me to look at him. I asked "why", he said "b/c I am the doc. and I told you to". So I thought maybe he wants me to, so I can tell him when hurts. So I said "Oh, that hurts". His responds was "well,if you'd stop being such a primadonna little B-word and relax, it wouldn't". I was so shocked! Now, I laugh about it.
I also learned...that is about as bad a thing that could happen, and I lived through it. My mistake was I was always meek, shy, afraid. After that I decided to honest from day one. I walk in.. explain I was raped, and I'm still recovering. I've found that helps the doc. understand how to handle me. And this is just one of my little quirks- my OB is a gay man. I also got to know my body, so I could be comfortable with it. Now, I MAKE my OB do exams if I think something is wrong. I ask questions! It's YOUR body..his job! They work for you! If you don't feel comfortable, you have the choice of firing them and going to someone else!
Good Luck!!

 
Old 07-13-2004, 01:25 PM   #7
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pfunk HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

I actually don't have a choice to fire him because he is the only gynecologic oncologist within a hundred and some miles of my region.

 
Old 08-04-2004, 09:53 AM   #8
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Tanki HB User
Re: Nightmares and Things

Aparently I woke up my parents 2 nights in a row screaming but I didn't wake up.

I'm always worried that someone will come into my house. I'd freeze and not be able to move i'd think of escape routes etc.

Are you in therapy?

I know that was a godsend for me in terms of my PTSD i've been PTSD free now for about 4 months, after being plauged with it for 8 years.

My turning point for me was being able to say that I regret that all that stuff happened to me. In doing that I was able to let go of the past and not be stuck anymore, I didn't feel guilt, shame or fear anymore. My nightmares were less as well as my Triggers and body memories.

Time heals, it does get easier, the more you talk about it the better you will be... but it takes time, like mine took 8 years.

Hang in there.
__________________
~Tanki

 
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