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Old 07-09-2004, 03:44 PM   #1
ksw ksw is offline
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hard to cope

i am 48. been diagnosed with this. i was molested from 5yrs of age(actually earlier, but that's the first time i remember) until i was 16. by my brother(9 yrs older). my mother knew, but did nothing. He was at me whenever he could. my dad died when i was 5. my brother set himself up as my hero. and i thought he was..until i got older. then he wouldn't quit. when i turned 18 i joined the army. it got me away from him. 6 yrs ago he was put in prison for molesting his own daughter. 3 yrs ago i started having problems . i figured out what was happening. having things like smells making me sick. i decided that after 32 yrs(or thereabouts) i was going home to beat this thing. Well, i had a stroke instead. as soon as i was able i left and went to tn. am tryinig to get therapy, but it's hard when ur so scared. i can't hardly leave my house. am so jumpy. was able to go to the V.A. a couple of times, but when i do, my b.p. goes sky high and i'm scared of another stroke. but i need some hellp. i know that i should go to the doctor, but i just can't. the depression is bad, too. thanx for being here. kathy

 
Old 07-09-2004, 05:31 PM   #2
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Re: hard to cope

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksw
i am 48. been diagnosed with this. i was molested from 5yrs of age(actually earlier, but that's the first time i remember) until i was 16. by my brother(9 yrs older). my mother knew, but did nothing. He was at me whenever he could. my dad died when i was 5. my brother set himself up as my hero. and i thought he was..until i got older. then he wouldn't quit. when i turned 18 i joined the army. it got me away from him. 6 yrs ago he was put in prison for molesting his own daughter. 3 yrs ago i started having problems . i figured out what was happening. having things like smells making me sick. i decided that after 32 yrs(or thereabouts) i was going home to beat this thing. Well, i had a stroke instead. as soon as i was able i left and went to tn. am tryinig to get therapy, but it's hard when ur so scared. i can't hardly leave my house. am so jumpy. was able to go to the V.A. a couple of times, but when i do, my b.p. goes sky high and i'm scared of another stroke. but i need some hellp. i know that i should go to the doctor, but i just can't. the depression is bad, too. thanx for being here. kathy

Wow, you could maybe take Xanax or something to relax you before you go to the doctors at the VA. My brother was in and out of the VA but he has passed away in Feb from Chronic Kidney Failure. He was a victim of Agent Orange from Nam. The VA totally treated him like crap, threw him in an ambulance to die. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I would really investigate the VA if I were you. I have PTSD also, was gang raped twice at age 15 and 17. When my brother died, I lost the greatest friend and realized, well actually realized before hand that my fiance was a jerk and was abusive and that just set out a million and one alarms in me. I know about the depression and the anxiety, etc. Try to take up meditation, listen to good meditation or relaxation cd's or self-hypnosis cd's, they will really help and get into therapy, even if you have to pay the $50.00 out of your pocket. I'm around your age, don't forget you are either in perimenopause or menopause at your age and it's probably reaking havoc on your body becaused you were sexually abused. This is what is happening to me too. Come chat with me and others here, they are good people.

Andrea

 
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Old 07-09-2004, 08:16 PM   #3
ksw ksw is offline
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Re: hard to cope

thank u. never thought about the menopause. yea it sure isn't helping, i'm sure. i just got a computer and am still getting used to it. hard to navigate. because of the stroke. i don't know how to chat with u. i barely got to this point. i feel so bad. i just can't seem to get a grip. but i know that if i can't get through this, then, he wins. and he's not winning thisone. i think this will help. having someone to talk to. i am scared to take meds. but i do take Restoril so i can sleep sometimes. i'm sorry u had to go thru being raped. it is truly horrible. i had a 10 yr marriage. he had to break my ribs before i got out. u r smart to get out when u did. thank u andrea, i appreciate your kindness. kathy

 
Old 07-09-2004, 09:22 PM   #4
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Exclamation Re: hard to cope

Hi Kathy!
My husband is a vet..a couple of years older than you are. I have ptsd, and have posted quite a bit.
I also have an incredible level of anxiety. I've managed to insulate myself at work, so I'm relatively safe there, but usually don't go anywhere. I tend to hole up in my bedroom, with the dark drapes drawn, and drink and watch tv.
I was also in the Army. I thought it would teach me the discipline I needed to get rid of the PTSD anxiety. Well, gee, I was wrong.
I'm 34. I hope you come through this. I know boot was supposed to teach us how to survive being prisoners of war...my sergeant was a real pain about that. But I felt like it was additional abuse to what I'd already survived. Now that I'm a bit older, I feel like my boot camp experience taught me to respond with strength. You went through boot. When you try to leave the house, picture the sarge screaming at you "AND HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW, PRIVATE?" You can answer now, "SIR, FINE NOW, SIR!!!!!" Aim for that. It helped to picture myself screaming back at that jerk...though he taught me more about real survival than any one else.
Maybe the military thing isn't what you want to hear right now, and if that is so, then I apologise...I just know that every experience we have in life is worth something, and the Army taught me to be strong.
Hang in there.

Last edited by zimnah; 07-09-2004 at 09:56 PM.

 
Old 07-09-2004, 09:43 PM   #5
ksw ksw is offline
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Re: hard to cope

thanx. i'm an Army brat. so that made me think some. i need to ask u something. i'm having a problem with seeing things out of the corner of my eye. Like I'll be in a room and I'll think i see something or someone off to the side. of course, there's no one there. This happens alot. And I know there's nothing there even as I turn my head, but I still look. And it startles me. Is that part of PTSD? The nightmares suck, too. The last one was i was burned. It was supposed to kill me, but i was still alive and felt my face. And charred skin came off on mmy hand. I guess you all think I'm really out there, huh. just a little of what i'm trying to deal with. your input would be appreciated. apinecone is funny. thanx kathy

 
Old 07-14-2004, 08:19 AM   #6
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Re: hard to cope

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksw
Is that part of PTSD? ... I guess you all think I'm really out there, huh. ... apinecone is funny.
Hi Kathy. Thanx for appreciating my hospital/sik humor; I don't mean to offend-- it's not just that I can't help myself, but it's how I help myself. You might try reading as well as taking some 'chicken soup'; you can probably find the books in your local library.

As for the seeing things, I look at it this way: PTSD (and life's more hormonal phases...) create(s) an edginess baseline that is way higher than normal and has spooky things lurking around that in themselves make you even edgier. Being a [peri[wo]menopausal] vet is probably a high baseline, and if you're imaginative too boot, well then welcome to the ward-- I'd just consider it the 'new' 'normal'. Not to be taken lightly at all, but just to calibrate your expectaton properly, which is important because that's how you know whether you really ARE seeing things.

But with some stroke/dyslexia in the equation, I'm thinking that that's the culprit here, really. The combination of the above and this would make seeing some things out of the corner of your eye a reasonable explanation; again, not to be taken lightly but within expectation-- it's a distraction of auto-defense aided by edginess and abetted by PT.

You probably did see something but your brain, in being a bit edgy and protective, was doubly unsure it really saw what it saw and got perturbed, gets perturbed. I think that the dreaming is also explainable in the same way: while sleeping, your brain sorts though the heap of its daily experiences to try to relate them to existing things, to abstract them, so to speak, to get plans going for the next day/the future, and in the process checks out a lot of other debris, sometimes getting re-spooked because what it's checking out is a spooky thing or 2, or what it thought might be. It can indeed get carried away with itself if it itself is tired and needs to distract, and after all, it IS hurting, so you should give your dreams some leeway here, I think.

Plainly speaking, don't go with the spooks, go with directing yourself to 'well'; spooking is just that: spooking-- it's really a waste of your precious time. To the extent that you can, ignore it, ignore its attempts to distract you from focusing on being in a state of 'wellness' that you like; you will know you're going in the right direction but might not know when you're really there. But you will know when you're getting sucked into the distraction of spookery. Focus focus focus on what are the things that make you feel unspooky/ed/able. I think you have to reject spookery, and knowing that your body's biochems/hormones, etc. are effectively 'tricking' you into being 'spooked', that they are distracting you from your focus of getting along the path of to a better state of personal 'wellness'-- that's a major first step and one to keep firmly in mind. Nutrition, meditation, support net, etc. can only help you in this, I think, so you're doing good. Keep at it; don't get distracted, and if you do, don't stay distracted. Come here and we'll aks you: "what IS your major malfu*ction, private Kathy?? Don't you know better than to let that crap spook you? Take 50 meditations, hit the showers, get some chicken soup, go to your group/support net, get some good sleep, and be back here ready to get back on track by 0800; can you do that, private? I thought so! Now, hit it!"

 
Old 08-04-2004, 09:50 AM   #7
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Re: hard to cope

Therapy is your best route. I know it's helped me and I wasn't able to cope with being abused by my ex at 16 in 1996 and between the years of 1996-2001 I was assaulted, harrassed and threatened by 9 guys including the ex.

My life turned around when I met my now current bf of 3 years, being with him helped because I know that he'd never want to hurt me and takes no for an answer.

I've been in therapy for roughly 8 years and still am with the same psychiatrist. She has done wonders for me. And afer 8 years i've been PTSD free for about 4 months.

It takes time and paitents but there is light at the end of the tunnel, you will get there just like I have.
__________________
~Tanki

 
Old 08-04-2004, 01:21 PM   #8
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Re: hard to cope

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksw
thank u. never thought about the menopause. yea it sure isn't helping, i'm sure. i just got a computer and am still getting used to it. hard to navigate. because of the stroke. i don't know how to chat with u. i barely got to this point. i feel so bad. i just can't seem to get a grip. but i know that if i can't get through this, then, he wins. and he's not winning thisone. i think this will help. having someone to talk to. i am scared to take meds. but i do take Restoril so i can sleep sometimes. i'm sorry u had to go thru being raped. it is truly horrible. i had a 10 yr marriage. he had to break my ribs before i got out. u r smart to get out when u did. thank u andrea, i appreciate your kindness. kathy

Are you sure you had a stroke and not a major limit to the PTSD? You seem like a wonderful person and would love to chat wtih you here. How were you diagnosed with your stroke and was it from PTSD?

Andrea

 
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