My girl has been through some rough time during childhood. Her father is an alcholic. She has witnessed him physicaly abuse her mother since she was 12 years old. She has gone through physical abuse too. Other things she has told me is she is considered to be unlucky after her sister was born and everyone did not want to care much about her.
She will be angry very easily most of the times. Even if it's a small issue, it will get on her nerves immediately. She will have frequent dreams about ghosts. If I drive her around a curve once or twice, she will complain she is dizzy and then will have a headache. Then she will get angry on why I took the route.
She says whe will have muscles in her arms twitching. She says she will feel like ants are running down her hand. Guess she will always feel anxiety also.
She will empty her bowels once in about 3 days. But she has not complained any pain though.
Most of the time, she will be sitting at home watching TV, she will replay the show 3 or 4 times without getting bored. For her goals, she will have all the major goals planned out, she cannot plan out the minor ones to get the major plan. Eg: She will say that she needs to study, get a job and support her mum. But, she does not know what she 'really' likes (she will say she likes everything ), what is her career she wants to go on, etc. She will base it on what her friends want to do, and will follow suit.
I have other personal problems with her. I just want to see if this sounds like PTSD before I explain further and try to help her, because it looks like she doesn't want to get help herself.
Any suggestions appreciated! What else should I check with her?
I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, so I can't evaluate. But being that I suffer from PTSD, I can at least give you my opinion. It sure sounds like she does. I don't know if she had the disorder or the syndrome, there are two phases to this condition. I would take her to get evaluated. Yes, of course, she is going to be in denial. I was for years. But then, when a shocking situation happens to you that leaves you in trauma, maybe it's that or my daughter that woke me up and I knew I needed therapy. So, Im in therapy and this is where your girlfriend needs to be also. I wish you the best in trying to convince her, but if you love her, you will show her the way, not force her. YOu can't force people to get help, they must come to realize this on their own.
I had a big fight with her recently and told her I want to break up.
The problem is, she will get passes from boys, during that time, she will be ignoring me a lot and will be happily texting and talking to the guy. I will eventually find out, and she will say that is nothing. She is just being a friend. She will twist the story. I will really get hurt during this time. I am codependent(found that out recently), so I have withstood all the torture.
This is one reply I got from her just recently (after a big fight):
She told me that she actually hates boys. She hates the fact that girls have to depend on them. She hates them because they will treat them like a slave. She hates the fact that the boy will fully abuse and use the girl and then dump the girl. She hates the fact that every mother-in-law will abuse the daughter-in-law(happened in her family). She hates the fact that the guy can make the girl suffer in pain. She hates the fact that the guy will lose trust and suspect on the girl, then they will dump the girl or cause her pain (her father suspects her mum; the base for hitting her). She hates ego of boys. She says she has seen too many of this happening. She wants a 'perfect' life. She will not accept anything less. She asks me why everything cannot happen in reverse? She wants to do it in reverse. She wants to be a play-girl but cannot. She wants boys to be begging girls.
After I heard this from her, I have printed and passed her some articles about PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. She told me, "So, you have concluded that I am mad?". I did not say anything after that.
It sounds to me like she has a general fear of males. A lot like I do, I prefer to be in a relationship where I have the upper hand in most cases, though I've been in one thats been pretty much 50/50 for the last 2 years, and its been the best thing thats ever happened to me. You need to make her understand that you will not leave her, or use her, or hurt her or any of that in anyways. Dont be verbally abusive, or physically. When you fight, don't get scary mad. Dont go towards her fast, be gentle with your words, and with how loud you get. I know it might be hard to control temper flares in the heat of the moment, but it'll do a world of good if you dont do anything she witnessed growing up. She'll be able to separate you from what she grew up with, and she'll begin to understand you're not going to hurt her like she was hurt before.
Certainly do not call her mad, or crazy, or insane, or tell her theres something wrong with her. That's just going to push her away and make her angry, particularly if she's in denial, and also because she probably knows somethings wrong, but is sensitive about it, and calling her mad will make her think its a bad thing and she'll be ashamed. This is not something she can control and make go away on her own.
What you might do is suggest that you both get counselling. Say you want to go see someone, and you'd really like if she also saw someone because you dont want to do it alone. A counsellor can be great for you to learn tools to deal with her problems, and be supportive, and ways to help her. Even if she wont go, seeing someone for you is probably a good idea. It'll help you learn about whats going on with her, and how to deal with it in the best and most constructive way. If she denies that somethings wrong, or isn't ready to admit she needs some form of help, showing her articles on disorders, particularly when the symptoms for different disorders are often much the same, will push her away and make her angry with you. Shes trying to tell herself she's fine, and her boyfriend is trying to tell her she's insane. She's not going to listen if you do it that way. try saying when she talks to you about it, something like "You know, I really like helping you with your problems, and I love that you come to me with them, it makes me feel important, but i dont always feel Ive got the best answers, and I think on top of coming to me, you should see someone who can be a little more helpful to you, and more knowledgeable so we can get this taken care of"
So basically, just try to figure out the behaviours of the males who abused her were, their habits etc. And try not to do those things, and separate you from them, so hopefully she'll understand that not all men are out to get her and hurt her, and she'll understand you want to help her and that you are not trying to control the relationship. Best thing to do is make the control 50/50, no one should be begging anyone in relationships for anything, and no one should be fully dependant on the other for things. Everything should go both ways, and equally. Work on that and she'll probably get a little easier with you.
Most of all, just let her know you're there and do your best to be patient with her, and calm, and understanding.
I have been very patient. Very very patient. I don't want to discuss the problems here because I just want to get info on how to help her. I had a thread on that, the only reply I got was, let her go, let her settle things by herself. I agree with that. I am slowly letting her figure out things by herself. Very hard for me to do that because love her a lot but she has abused me a lot.
I have not screamed at her or used any physical force on her. I will not do that ever. I have expressed disapoinments, but never expressed anger. Because I cant feel anger. Been a codependent for a long time, before her, so will refrain from conflict as soon as I see her anger raising.
I did not call her mad. I just passed her the articles and asked her to see if it rings a bell. And said we'll go to a counsellor together. She told me I am concluding her as mad.
She never comes to me with her problem. I wish she would, because I would want to share mine with her. If I wanted to share mine with her, she would say "I don't want you to cry in front of me, I can't stand it." So, I wont say anything.
The only thing I know so far is her father abusing her mum. She has also got some beating before.
One more thing, she has cut her arms once with a blade about 5, 6 times because her mum asked her to die after a small argument. She was acting "drunk" after that. Myself and her sister had to use some force on her to clean up the cut and bandage it. She never remembered what she was doing after she cut her arms. She didn't even remember struggling with me and her sister during that time.
I dont know where to find a councellor in my area. Gonna look for one. I think I need to get help also. Feeling too much anxiety nowdays. It doesn't stop.
I want to get some info on how to confront a person who has PTSD. How to talk with them. How to make them feel that I am not going to hurt them.
Can recommend some links?
I suggest you go to the library and get some books on PTSD. The more you read, the better you will understand this. I know I haven't been easy on my loved ones with PTSD, it's as if you carry this underlying anger. And it's very hard on the one who has to give support to the one who had PTSD. Get books and read on it. Go online and in the search engines, type PTSD. Hope this helps you. I wish you the best, really I do.