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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 08-15-2004, 10:03 PM   #1
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Personal...but need to vent

Hi
Well how do I start this???? When I was 14......I met this guy whom I really liked a lot! Now mind you I never had a Father figure in my life....or any type male figure at all.......So this was my first time to really get to know a guy! Well he was 23 yrs old.......He told me I was Beautiful, smart..you know all the things a young girl longs to hear...I thought WOW.......This guy loves me!!! Even told me he did........So at 14...I decided to let him take my virginity...after all he loved me and would never hurt me......Well needless to say...I ended up pregnant.........I told him I was expecting his baby........He flew off the handle and flipped out......he ended up leaving town.....I was stunded by all of this.......Well I was clueless as what to do......I told a couple of my friends......and they just said I had to tell my mom......So ......I began to get morning sickness pretty bad......My mother ask all kinds of questions...I knew the problem........Sad thing is she told me if I were pregnant she would not tell anyone.......so I broke down and told her I was......Well....she was on the phone to everyone telling them.....I felt horrible! She called me a W_ and a few other things........I ended up having an abortion.......This has really torn me apart and I don't share this story with many...I did tell my ex husband....big mistake , because he used it against me.......Soon after the panic attacks started........I saw Dr after Dr for them...until I was put on medication.......Is this PTSS??? I would say it is...I'm now in my fourties and still think about this quite often........ How do you get past these thoughts??? The guy just walked away from all of this .......I have major trust issues and my self esteem has been low as far back as I can remember........I just wish I could be forgiven and move on...put you know it isn't easy....I thought time would help and it has some...just not enough....Thanks for listening........

 
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Old 08-16-2004, 01:15 AM   #2
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Re: Personal...but need to vent

After this long I wouldn't say you have post traumatic stress disorder. I wouldn't think you had it inthe firt place. I've expereinced post traumatic stress disorder after my motor vehicle accident. I tell you something I haven't told many people. I too had an abortion when I was 18. And there were complication to boot. All in all not a great experience. Now that I am much older and had a child who is now grown up I wonder sometimes about the baby I terminated. My belief system is now that I will meet this child when I pass on and it is something I will have to deal with. At the time I made the best decision I knew how to make. Not that it is an excuse. Looking back I really don't believe I could have provided a decent life for this child. I could have given it up for adoption though. I have meditated and tried to experience a connection with this soul. I don't belive I made it. Then again - there is the thought that all things happen for a reason. Perhaps this child needed to go through this and so did I. It is all God's plan and he knows better what is good for us then we do ourselves. The key is forgiveness. Firstly, in your situation you were only 14. No where near being grown up. It was your first love and you were taken advantage of by a much older guy. You are not responsible for this. In fact your situation qualifies as a statatory rape. You never got to reasolve the situation with him because he was an ignorant coward and left. If you got in any words at all they probably consisted of begging him to stay with you. I hate to imagine what he said to you. In fact, in some ways you probably got stuck in that emotinal zone all these years. The thing is how do you get out of it. I am not saying forget this. Wemon do not forget things like this. When you look at it - it was your first love. That is a strong emotional condtion. Then you were pregnant and caught up with all of societies reations to that. That could not have been pleasant. Your mom betrayed your confidence. That hurt. And then there was the abortion and you ere supposed to go on living like nothing had happened. Chances are you never got to talk it out with anyone who could help you past the emotional trauma. Forgive yourself first. That is easier said than done. But it is possible. Try meditation with daily affirmations about your goodness. Constantly throughout the day tell your self that you are a good person. Describe your good qualties to yourself. You might try writing them down so that you have a list to go by. Remind yourelf of the good things you have done in the past. Even little things that you have done. The next step is to forgive the rotten SOB that ran away. Get angry if you have to. He did you no good. And he robbed himself of the opportunity of a lifetime by leaving you to deal with the situation. After you have been angry long enough work at forgiving him. You have no idea what was in his head and you don't have to know. Just let him go. You have a husband now. Even if sometimes it appears that he is fed up with all the anguish you put yourelf through, he is still there. Give your attention to him in positive ways ht have nothing to do with thoe few months of your life. Don't let those months be the epilogue to your exsistance. Start building new, positive and rewarding memories for yourself. Yu deserve them. Maybe you need a counselor - possibly even a rape counselor. They do wonders with rebuilding self esteem and help you deal with that episode in your life.
I hope this has helped you. There have been things in my life that I was ashamed of and felt I couldn't get past. All of the above suggestions I made to you I used on myself and they hae worked. You are loved and you deserve the goodness life has to offer. Don't shut it out because of one bad thing that happened to you. Best wishes for a lighter life.

 
Old 08-16-2004, 09:03 AM   #3
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ainfante HB Userainfante HB Userainfante HB User
Re: Personal...but need to vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by bbear
Hi
Well how do I start this???? When I was 14......I met this guy whom I really liked a lot! Now mind you I never had a Father figure in my life....or any type male figure at all.......So this was my first time to really get to know a guy! Well he was 23 yrs old.......He told me I was Beautiful, smart..you know all the things a young girl longs to hear...I thought WOW.......This guy loves me!!! Even told me he did........So at 14...I decided to let him take my virginity...after all he loved me and would never hurt me......Well needless to say...I ended up pregnant.........I told him I was expecting his baby........He flew off the handle and flipped out......he ended up leaving town.....I was stunded by all of this.......Well I was clueless as what to do......I told a couple of my friends......and they just said I had to tell my mom......So ......I began to get morning sickness pretty bad......My mother ask all kinds of questions...I knew the problem........Sad thing is she told me if I were pregnant she would not tell anyone.......so I broke down and told her I was......Well....she was on the phone to everyone telling them.....I felt horrible! She called me a W_ and a few other things........I ended up having an abortion.......This has really torn me apart and I don't share this story with many...I did tell my ex husband....big mistake , because he used it against me.......Soon after the panic attacks started........I saw Dr after Dr for them...until I was put on medication.......Is this PTSS??? I would say it is...I'm now in my fourties and still think about this quite often........ How do you get past these thoughts??? The guy just walked away from all of this .......I have major trust issues and my self esteem has been low as far back as I can remember........I just wish I could be forgiven and move on...put you know it isn't easy....I thought time would help and it has some...just not enough....Thanks for listening........
I just read this and I would say that you have PTSS, not the disorder, just the stress. I'm not a doctor, but I do have PTSD from a car accident and then my brother's traumatic death. I was diagnosed with this just a bit too late, so when my brother died, I just went over the edge. I can't even tell you how sick I was, and my nervous system was so traumatized. The problem here with you and myself is the flashbacks. Your abortion was traumatic for you and therefore you have not been able to release it. Here's my story, hopefully I can help you to go ahead and get therapy or EMDR.
I was date gang raped at 15 and then again at 17. I had no idea I suffered from trauma then, and proceeded to get into drugs and alcohol. Then I finally stopped all that to then have a hyperthyroid problem in which doctors didn't treat correctly only to lose my father tragically to possible suicide and there I went again with the thyroid condition to where it was corrected out of this country. I was fine for quite sometime, but still had poor relationships due to my fathers abandonment of our family at the age of 11. Then my brother went to Viet Nam war and I worried consistently about him. He came back 4 years later and had PTSD himself. We were and always have been buddies. Then I had a major car accident (head on collision) two years ago then my brother died (and I believe the VA Hospital killed him) at age 52 when I was expecting him to be transferred up here and he didn't even survive the ambulance ride 20 mintues. Anyways, in between all of this, I had two abortions and felt horrible..........not kidding, but couldn't do this on my own, I had two jerk boyfriends who I thought loved me and obviously I was wrong. So I was forced to have the abortions. I don't flash back on it any longer cause I made peace with it. I believe like the other person who posted here, meditation, praying, forgiveness and understanding soul journey's will help in this process for you. But you are obviously stressed out over this still and if you are in your perimenopause or menopause years, then this might come up to traumatize you since the evolution of making babies may be coming to an end or has already, but biologically you may be transiting this phase by your age alone.
EMDR is practiced by therapsist and Psychiatrists. It's an eye movement technique designed to focus into the trauma and then releasing it so you can move on with your life. We can not judge one another on what or isn't traumatic for another person, this may have been very heartbreaking for you and therefore you digested it as trauma. I would definitley seek help on this so you can move on with your life.

Andrea

 
Old 08-16-2004, 09:06 AM   #4
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Re: Personal...but need to vent

Kitty, I love your philosophy about the soul, universe, meditation etc. I'm like this too, but that doesn't mean we still do not feel the trauma in our lives. Sometimes, we forget how to process and let go, depending how traumatized we are from the event. I've read Dr. Brian Weiss and Dr. MIchael Newton who have researched on many many people past life regression. They are so interesting, who knows like you said, maybe the souls chose this procession and not entered the world also with the decision of the one carrying the baby. Let me know if you've read any of these two authors books.

Peace,

Andrea

 
Old 08-16-2004, 11:16 AM   #5
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bbear HB User
Re: Personal...but need to vent

Thank you so much! Your 100% right, I do need to make peace with my past.......This has haunted me for many many years! Just when I would think I were making progress ...it would be thrown in my face........(as if I did not feel bad enough)......I have three grown children now....and they know nothing of this happening to me...I honestly don't see what good it would do to tell them.....

I know many have been through much worse then I have. I wanted my mother to say she forgave me before she died......I wonder if in her heart she ever did......I started having panic attacks around age 16......I would be in school and an attack would hit me! It was a terrible feeling...I just started to make excuse after excuse for not going to school......or looking for a job....anything ...to keep me safe in my home! I think speaking to a professional would help....yet I have done that......they seem to just blow it off as oh well...life goes on........or at least I see it that way......I was put on xanax in 84.........and still take it now......It has been my safety drug for so long........I thank you for sharing your stories with me........and I'm sorry for all you have been through..............bbear

 
Old 08-16-2004, 03:19 PM   #6
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Re: Personal...but need to vent

Hi BBear. If you work with the anxiety, you will work with the problem, they go hand in hand. I've been through alot, yes but I'm a survivor and so are you. I take Xanax when I need it too. Have you ever checked your thyroid levels, sometimes they can go wacko when we've been under mental or emotional stress. STay in touch okay?

 
Old 08-19-2004, 07:15 AM   #7
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lslydov HB User
Re: Personal...but need to vent

Have you looked into specific post-abortion healing?

http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

 
Old 08-19-2004, 10:19 PM   #8
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bbear HB User
Re: Personal...but need to vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by ainfante
Hi BBear. If you work with the anxiety, you will work with the problem, they go hand in hand. I've been through alot, yes but I'm a survivor and so are you. I take Xanax when I need it too. Have you ever checked your thyroid levels, sometimes they can go wacko when we've been under mental or emotional stress. STay in touch okay?

Hi.....yes I had my thyroid checked....It was normal........I want to say Thanks to all of you for being so kind here on these boards......I'm trying to get in to a new therapy program.........It is very hard letting go of the quilt one feels.....I know I was young and stupid .......but adding trama to trama by the name calling did not help...I needed support then! Yet I never got it..... Thank you all so very much! Love bbear

 
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