Hi, this is my first time to a ptss board. i believe i suffer with ptss and have most my life, from a number of different traumas. this is scary for me to even outwardly admit it, acknowledge it or talk about it. i am actually thinking about going to therapy for it in a few months. 2 days ago i experienced something that triggered it all again, and i am tired of suffering with ptss.
i am a 36 year old, married woman with twin 14 year old daughters. i am one who is great at, and learned at a very early age, to hide all my troubles/traumas inside and outwardly appear as a happy, normal, outgiong, smilely person
but i do realize that deep inside i am hiding behind it all, and suffer with the physical effects of hiding it.
as with most of you, i am sure, there is just too much to really get into when it involves what caused ptss. so i will just briefly, LOL, give you just a little background on me and what i believe (what do you think?) caused ptss.
where to begin? hm...sexually abused as young child, but blocked memories, someone tried to abduct myself and my 2 younger siblings out of front yard as kids, at 12 y/o learned my dad was cheating on my mom, my dad traveled and had several different g/f's around the US that he supported along with us, at 14 y/o my dad left us, my mom threatened suicide and then stopped really being a mom or around and i took the role of raising my younger siblings, whom i still take care of and their children, same month my dad left us, my grandma got cancer, watched her suffer for 5 years with it, until she died a couple days after i turned 20 y/o and i was the only one in family who wasnt present for it ( i was cross country visiting a boyfriend) and her dying words were "i wish i could have seen 'me' again", extreme guilt i carry because my grandma was my best friend, at 19 y/o i got pregnant out of wedlock from my boyfriend who was my love of my life and he threatened me and didnt want the child...i miscarried at 8 weeks, much to his joy and my sadness, i married at 21 y/o to an army man, and moved at 20 y/o cross country with him, at 21 y/o i got pregnant with out twin daughters, but my pregnancy was horrid and too long to post here, but i was sick and on a feeding machine through out it and nearly died, my twins were born 3 months early wieghing 1 and 2 pounds, one was on life support for 2 months, my husband cheated on me with my best friend the whole time i was pregnant, when my girls were 4 y/o, i was 27 y/o, i drove back home cross country alone with my girls with only what i could fit in my car, leaving my husband, he cheated on me repeatedly and told me about it, i had put everything we owned in a storage unit, and he never paid it and we lost it all, my childhood, family things,and all my childrens photos and everything from thier first 5 years, within a month i lost my home, my husband, my belongings, had my car repoed, no job, no money, no car, i immediately upon moving home, met my now husband of almost 10 years, who took in me and my children as his own, came back here and developed migrane headaches, sinus trouble, stomach trouble, and immune problems causing inferitlity now all because of ptss, and OMG i have to stop here, there is so incredibly much much more, but this is all i can get out right now..wow...
some physical effects i suffer with:
lots of phobias!!!!
stomach distress daily
immune disorder causing inferitlity
out of blue crying
extreme over protectiveness of my children
extreme worry over my children and their safety
trust no one in my life
extreme possessiveness over those in my life
fear of abandonment
conrtol freak over myself especially
and on and on and on, while making it my life goal to look as normal and beautiful on the outside as i can, so i can hide the pain...
i hope someone can understand me...i feel so alone in this sometimes you know?
thanks if you made it through my post