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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 08-21-2004, 10:34 AM   #1
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twlight HB User
New here...this is big step for me

Hi, this is my first time to a ptss board. i believe i suffer with ptss and have most my life, from a number of different traumas. this is scary for me to even outwardly admit it, acknowledge it or talk about it. i am actually thinking about going to therapy for it in a few months. 2 days ago i experienced something that triggered it all again, and i am tired of suffering with ptss.

i am a 36 year old, married woman with twin 14 year old daughters. i am one who is great at, and learned at a very early age, to hide all my troubles/traumas inside and outwardly appear as a happy, normal, outgiong, smilely person but i do realize that deep inside i am hiding behind it all, and suffer with the physical effects of hiding it.

as with most of you, i am sure, there is just too much to really get into when it involves what caused ptss. so i will just briefly, LOL, give you just a little background on me and what i believe (what do you think?) caused ptss.

where to begin? hm...sexually abused as young child, but blocked memories, someone tried to abduct myself and my 2 younger siblings out of front yard as kids, at 12 y/o learned my dad was cheating on my mom, my dad traveled and had several different g/f's around the US that he supported along with us, at 14 y/o my dad left us, my mom threatened suicide and then stopped really being a mom or around and i took the role of raising my younger siblings, whom i still take care of and their children, same month my dad left us, my grandma got cancer, watched her suffer for 5 years with it, until she died a couple days after i turned 20 y/o and i was the only one in family who wasnt present for it ( i was cross country visiting a boyfriend) and her dying words were "i wish i could have seen 'me' again", extreme guilt i carry because my grandma was my best friend, at 19 y/o i got pregnant out of wedlock from my boyfriend who was my love of my life and he threatened me and didnt want the child...i miscarried at 8 weeks, much to his joy and my sadness, i married at 21 y/o to an army man, and moved at 20 y/o cross country with him, at 21 y/o i got pregnant with out twin daughters, but my pregnancy was horrid and too long to post here, but i was sick and on a feeding machine through out it and nearly died, my twins were born 3 months early wieghing 1 and 2 pounds, one was on life support for 2 months, my husband cheated on me with my best friend the whole time i was pregnant, when my girls were 4 y/o, i was 27 y/o, i drove back home cross country alone with my girls with only what i could fit in my car, leaving my husband, he cheated on me repeatedly and told me about it, i had put everything we owned in a storage unit, and he never paid it and we lost it all, my childhood, family things,and all my childrens photos and everything from thier first 5 years, within a month i lost my home, my husband, my belongings, had my car repoed, no job, no money, no car, i immediately upon moving home, met my now husband of almost 10 years, who took in me and my children as his own, came back here and developed migrane headaches, sinus trouble, stomach trouble, and immune problems causing inferitlity now all because of ptss, and OMG i have to stop here, there is so incredibly much much more, but this is all i can get out right now..wow...

some physical effects i suffer with:
chest tightness/pain
migranes
anxiety
panic attacks
lots of phobias!!!!
stress
shaking
stomach distress daily
IBS
psoriasis
immune disorder causing inferitlity
out of blue crying
extreme over protectiveness of my children
extreme worry over my children and their safety
trust no one in my life
seasonal disorder
extreme possessiveness over those in my life
fear of abandonment
conrtol freak over myself especially
and on and on and on, while making it my life goal to look as normal and beautiful on the outside as i can, so i can hide the pain...

i hope someone can understand me...i feel so alone in this sometimes you know?

thanks if you made it through my post


twligh

 
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Old 08-21-2004, 10:55 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 2,124
ainfante HB Userainfante HB Userainfante HB User
Re: New here...this is big step for me

Twlight: I hear you on this. This is my story. Abandoned when I was 11 by father, fighting and abuse from father to mother beforehand, heard it all.
Date gang raped at 15 and then 17, came down with hyperthyroidism at age 21 and then wasn't treated correctly. Drank and did drugs during teenage years, became addicted off Ativan and beta blockers that were given to me for hyperthyroidism. Then father died tragically, became hyperthyroid again, then had a car accident, head on collision two years ago, then brother died and that just sent me over the edge. Welcome to full PTSD. You have towatch the hormones in your body, they get effected by PTSD. Glad you came here to vent. How's the shaking part? I seem to tremble all the time, but not seriously all the time. I've really gotten better on the Panic attacks. Been in therapy since March and now I had to let go of that therapist who was my favorite cause I couldn't afford her anymore, now my insurance is covering one at the hospital, but she is not like my first one.

Andrea

 
Old 08-21-2004, 11:02 AM   #3
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twlight HB User
Re: New here...this is big step for me

thanks for your reply the shakiness comes and goes. if i am "ok" then i dont get it, but it doesnt take much at all, sometimes minor irritations and i start shaking. i had it bad 2 days ago when i had to reexperience a past trauma. yesterday i was totally numb, unfeeling, feeling like i couldnt talk and not really "here", like a shock i guess, after having living through it again. i still cant really talk about it as i am still so traumatized. i go into anxiety attacks if i talk about it.

i have suffered so long, i just hope theapy can help relieve some of the symptoms of it. i feel kinda like a prisoner in myself if that makes sence.

its so nice to hear others can relate to me.

twlight

 
Old 08-21-2004, 01:31 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 2,124
ainfante HB Userainfante HB Userainfante HB User
Re: New here...this is big step for me

Quote:
Originally Posted by twlight
thanks for your reply the shakiness comes and goes. if i am "ok" then i dont get it, but it doesnt take much at all, sometimes minor irritations and i start shaking. i had it bad 2 days ago when i had to reexperience a past trauma. yesterday i was totally numb, unfeeling, feeling like i couldnt talk and not really "here", like a shock i guess, after having living through it again. i still cant really talk about it as i am still so traumatized. i go into anxiety attacks if i talk about it.

i have suffered so long, i just hope theapy can help relieve some of the symptoms of it. i feel kinda like a prisoner in myself if that makes sence.

its so nice to hear others can relate to me.

twlight
I know what you mean about talking about it and having anxiety attacks or anxiety, trembling, etc. Happens to me too. But the more you talk about it, the better you will feel, it won't go away entirely, but you will get a better grip on it. Trauma is a very hard, realistic thing to go through and it affects the nervous system. I'm reading a good book, Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine. He goes through how animals can release their trauma and that we are like them except we are tied down to our trauma, not able to release it or properly release the trauma. I understand about how you feel prisoner, me too. And we are to a point until we can release this and let it go, but it must come from the nervous system. At least you don't tremble all the time, I do, just not as bad until I reach another traumatic point.

Andrea

 
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