Hello, everyone. I am feeling really discouraged today. Many years ago, I was gang raped. I knew the main perpetrator very well. Anyhow, after the incident I was basically stalked through my neighborhood and school and stuff. I moved a couple of years later to another state. Anyhow, I have not really been able to talk about to anyone. I think that maybe one of my female friends and a couple of male friends know, but I certainly haven't actually talked about it other than in passing kind of saying something about it having happened--maybe testing my audience or something subconsciously. Anyhow, in college I was involved with someone I really liked, I told him about after a while, so he didn't think that I was weird or not interested in him while we were dating, he was supportive for about a split second and then he dumped me because of it. I have moved again to a place where I don't really know anyone, there really aren't any people even my age so I feel especially isolated. I don't really know what to do because I really think that the longer I go without even a little bit of support, the worse I feel, but I can't even fathom talking to a total stranger about it in person and I am really resentful of the idea of someone who hasn't been raped being my psychologist or psychiatrist and I hate group sessions.
I am kind of sick or something now too. I have doctors who tell me all kinds of different things about what is wrong and now I am at the point where I have these CT scans that indicate that I have some kind of mass in my abdomen apparently on my ovary, but during surgery it was not even there located on my ovary, then there is more imaging afterwords that shows it there again. I am getting stressed out because I don't know what it is or even what organ to think it might be associated with and my doctors keep testing me and testing me and testing me and testing me. There is no official diagnosis yet.
So I guess that about covers it. I have had to endure my three worst nightmares, being gang raped by at least one person who was supposed to care about me, being rejected by my boyfriend because I was raped and having some terrible problem with my reproductive system that would cause me to be subjected to horrifying poking and prodding by a string of arrogant arse-hole specialists who don't even know what they are doing so I have to be subjected to a whole nother bunch of useless doctors doing the same thing.
Well, let me start off by stating that I cannot even begin to fathom what you have gone through, and therefore...my opinions, beliefs, and feelings are very inadequate. I just hope I can be of a little help to you. It is normal to not feel open about your initial crisis, especially to people who have not experienced it. The obvious answer that I'm sure you've heard before, is to locate a rape counselor/therapist. You'll find a plethora of them, so somehow try to find one who is a rape-victim. I know it may be hard to try and talk about your situation to a stranger, but a counselors and therapists are good at confidentiality, and they can provide an unbiased perspective to assist you. If you feel that counselors and therapists are less than what you need, try a psychiatrist. Depending on your stance with prescriptions, they may help you. When psychological problems manifest into physical issues...medicines can greatly help. As I'm sure you've heard before...having these kind of emotional and psychological difficulties is NOT a sign of weakness. What you have experienced is greatly troubling, and needs to be lifted from your shoulders. Keeping it bottled inside does no one good. It hurts both the bottler and those in close vicinity to the bottler.
In conclusion, you do need to talk with someone in great depth. Getting it out is a great help. At the least, write down your feelings and your problems: sometimes doing something as seemingly simple as that can temporarily make you feel better. Best wishes in your endeavors.
one thing's for sure: if your mass was found on a CT scan, then it's there. I would suggest you be really aggressive with these apparent doctors who can't seem to find this mass. As for the gang rape thing...been there. It's hard, I think, to be gang raped without at least one perpetrator who plays on your vulnerability. Someone has to lead you to the den, as it were. Gang rape is still not normal, thank heaven, but it is more commonly known. Fortunately for your psyche, you are not alone. It hurts me a bit to hear someone else has had similar abuse. I sort of have this hope that, while I'd like others to understand what I feel, it's not worth their going through it.
I've had a similar situation where I had a very small stroke, but it was not later seen by CT scan...thank heaven for that, as that meant no brain damage, which is my biggest fear. It was a slight blur on the MRI, so I ended up with proof that this had happened to me, but I had to insist. the concept of a stroke affecting my brain scares me like nothign else. My intellect gets me through the day when nothing else can. I am definitely a nerd, so the thought of losing any kind of brain function scares me. I have the belief that if I understand what is happening, on some intellectual level, then I will survive it. It's when it doesn't make any sense at all that I'm in real trouble.
Sorry for the aside. All I'm saying is this: if you have a symptom, then don't let them tell you it is in your head, especially if it is on the CT scan. Educate yourself about any other possible symptoms: problems with your period, odd pains about the time you are due to ovulate, things like that. Make them find it. And keep us posted.