I just had to get this off my chest. I was not talking to my Mother and Brother b/c of an on going battle about what my Dad did to me. Mom caught Dad in my bed when I was 13. Through the years, there have been times when we have not talked for years. When Dad died in 1998 I was not talking to them. I had not been talking to my Mom and Brother for the last 4 years. I recently reached out to my Mom as she has Diabetes really bad and is on Dialysis. This visit went well and after 33 years...she and I finally had a good visit and talked, cried and healed a bit.
Now the Problem....I sent my brother a birthday card (it was Nov 17th). He was born when I was 17 years old. Talk about a generation gap.
This is the note I sent my brother for his 30th birthday:
Today on your special day, I wanted to let you know that I love you.
I'm so happy that Mom and I had some time together when I went to PA. It was a time for healing for both of us. Now, when I look back....its only to see how far I've come.
I'm sorry that you got caught up in the middle. I'm sorry for any pain my past may have caused you.
Sydney is adorable. I'd like to get to know her.
My best to Molly (who looks great by the way).
Well.... this is the resonse I got back from the card I sent. ........
im only going to say this one more time.
you seem to not understand the level of damage , pain, hurt, and resentment you have caused.
I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, want anything to do with you. I dont want to talk to you, I dont want to see you I dont want emails from you i dont want relayed messages from you. NOTHING!!! got it.
You are dead to me. You never exsisted to me in the first place.
1. you were never there for me. and there were alot of times i needed you. when mom was sick and i was all alone, when i was torutored daily by those kids in the patch. you didnt care i got beat up daily for 12 years, and things got worse im not going in details because i cant trusrt you to keep it to your self, and you still werent there for me.neverit was always about you.
2. you never treated me as a brother.
3. you have always resented me.
4. You always put me in the middle of your fights with mom
5. you did thing to hurt mom and dad and i got to see them cry all night. my father crying pleading to god wantiong an answer to why you are telling lies.
Debbie I needed a big sister so many times in my life. WHERE WERE YOU?
I needed some one to talk to to mentor me be someone i looked up to, to be a confidant to. be the one person whom i could tell anything to and not have it blabed to the whole family. you never were there. I will never forgive you for the things you have done. nor will I look at you and not hate you. I almost killed you that night I last saw you in new orleans when you threw my mother out on the street, mollie saved your life. i still cant belive you did that.I dont know how I will react to you if i ever see you again. Dont cone to PA when mom dies. dont bother. she will not be laided out i will take her ashes back to be laid beside dad by my self. we have sold all the valuablees already all the rubies, jewlerly, coin collection, so there is nothing for you. ill pay off her debt with what evers left in her account and I will sell all belongings, photos i will keep i diserve that I was around for them all where were you? what evers left will be donated to charity and the money that is left will be split even between rach, lisa and sydney. so there you have it there is nothing left for you whaenshe dies. oh yea one dollar i have to leaglly give you one dollars, ill mail it to you. so please dont show up and **** up my greaving for my mother. yes i said my mother, I was there for her dying in the hospital for the last 30 years, was was there when they reaad her last rights to her three times and they told me to say good bye cause she wouldnt live through the night. I was there to see daddy raise a son by him self while mom was sick. him pleading to god to take him instead and save her. i held his hand and cried with him when we thought mom was not going to make it. i was there to lift moms spirits when she was sick i was there to help take care of her when she needed help. i was there at the age of 7 to drive her home from the store when she got too sick to drive. I was there Where were you? you wanted to get away. you are away now stay away. leave me, my daughter, my wife alone. mom wants you in her life great for her. I dont, You never acted like a sister to me when i needed you in my life why start now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so please leave me alone for ever. if you see me dont talk to me. dont ask about me. dont send messages to me dont try and get peolpe to get me to talk to you. this is between you and me. and I am the one who hates you.
Wow. That's a hard thing to deal with. The thing that I was thinking when I read your brothers letter was how I think I may respond. I would definately feel that I needed to write him back. I think I would say that I'm sorry he was so hurt, but you were hurting tremendously too. Then, I would tell him that you cannot undo the past, but if he was willing that you want a present of being his big sister. That and prayer is all you can do. It's up to him to decide if you're in his life. But, I would definately write back and not focus on who did what to whom. Let him talk about the tough time he had and the hurt he has without condemning or getting too defensive. However, don't take the blame because you were a child and put in an impossible situation too. You're parents need to take the responsibility, not you. I would try to listen and heal where I could, but it's not your fault.
Maybe my advice isn't what you need. It's just what I was thinking. I hope things get better for you. Do you have other relationships in your life that are good?
So where were you? He feels very strongly about that issue. Were you removed from the house? A child can not take care of another child. It seems like the hurt is too deep to mend, sorry to say that. There are two sides to every story. You are ready to heal and move on and he is not and you have to accept that. I would do as he says and leave him be. If your story is true that your father molested you then stick to it and NEVER let anyone make you say different. If it is a lie then you better come clean and ditch your pride. Can you let the whole issue rest? I'm sure everyone has lived it for years. Your mother is ill and you need to focus on each day and not the past, you brother may not mend...let him be the father he knows he should be. I'm sure he took alot with him...he is VERY hurt. Good luck
Thanks Marissa, Yes, My current husband and my 2 daughters ages 24 & 26 are supportive. Along with some of my Aunts who are aware of my family situation and have always been there for me....
I just never expected the venom I got from my Brother... it was devastating.
He was born when I was 16 and just beginning my Senior Year of High School. His crib was in my room and I was the one who got up with him at night and slept with him on my chest so that we both could sleep b/c I had school the next day.
But Thanks for your concern. I just needed to vent.
Ok then I would think that your brother needs to find a way to heal and he sounds stubborn and probably never will. I can't believe he doesn't understand making a life decision to better yourself. First of all your not his protector. He didn't get abused by your father to did he? Is that why he wanted you to protect him? Is that why he felt alone? That would explain his childish fear...could that be possible? He may know what happend is true but doesn't want his story outted. Just a question. It just doesn't make sense why your brother isn't more understanding...it's like something is missing. You can't be a back bone for the family, you can't be his back bone.
How did you go about explaining your father's actions to your family? Did you go to your mother first? How was it brought to your brother? It's one big mess isn't it? It's sad to let your brother go....all you can do it send him a birthday card that just say's happy birthday and I'm sorry every year until he's about 90 and then maybe he'll come around??
It is a sad situation. I believe it all started b/c my Mom got married at 13 (YES 13) and had me when she was 15 1/2! I believe that was the root of everything.
As far as I know, my parents did not abuse him. I used to go to school with black eye, blood vessels busted in my eyes and bruises all over. yes, the school did call welfare once but the man would not guarantee that the State would NOT SEND ME BACK to my parents.... I knew they (yes, both) would literally beat me to death. So I would not cooperate with the State and nothing was ever done.
I always told my brother as he was growing up that I could come get him in a heartbeat if they ever laid an "unnecessary" hand on him. From what I witnessed... he was the "Son the Always Wanted". He used to hit my Dad and call him names. If I even thought of that I would have gotten beat.
All of my Parents Brothers and Sisters know of my ordeal. Every one says that Jason NEVER, NEVER had it like I had it. They say he was a spoiled brat. They were closer to the situation than I was. Even after my Brother was 18 and joined the Army he just never seemed to reciprocate my attempts to communicate. I shrugged it off as him being a guy..you all know how they hate letters and such.
Want to know the kicker to all of this? The other day, November 8th, was my Neices birthday. My Mom & Aunt were on the web cam with him in Germany. They asked him if I could see my Neice, Sydney. He allowed me to view the web cam. Then I sent him his E-Birthday Card and the Note I posted here. And you read the response I got back.
KICKER: When I told Mom about the note....she said, "Well....NOW he won't call ME anymore!" as she balded her eyes out!
Just like the night in Pittsburgh when she caught my Dad. Mom and I got dressed and left the house and rode around Schenly Park for hours and after 33 years I still remember only one of her comments: "How am I going to face MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS after this?".
Life is like a box of chocolates......and I seem to only get the nasty ones! Can I get a new box?