Let me first say that I should be very happy. I am with a good man and I have well behaved loving children. I thought that I could finally be happy, with this new relationship. I still find that I am miserable. I am numb. I don't find joy in anything. I feel lost and alone and sad, but never cry. I should be happy. But I am not and don't know how...
Now I will explain... I have been doing some research on why I might feel this way. I have been on Effexor for the past year. With the Effexor I do get up out of bed and continue with my daily activities. I don't "get about" much cause I feel anxious. So, unless I am with someone, I basically stay home and do my chores. However, the Effexor helps me with this, but I still feel down all the time and anxious. And being with a wonderful man now, I thought I might start feeling better.... I don't
So here is my story...
At 13 my dad got sick with lung cancer. Then at 15 I watched in die. I then at 16 became an alcoholic and at 17 was in an abusive relationship where I would be beaten and mocked. I got help (treatment) and stopped drinking and got out of the abuse. I then dated a nice guy, became pregnant at 18 while in college. I dropped out to work more hours and buy a house. At 19 I had my son (single mom), bought a house 3 months later. I worked, and raised my son alone, no support. Then at age 21...I was raped. It was not really "violent" but I was frightened, felt weak, felt lost, felt ashamed, felt out of control. I began to drink but snapped out of it when I realized where life was headed. I decided to tell someone about the rape, so I sent my mom a letter. Said, I didn't think I would be able to go on with life if one more thing happened. A few days later, my brother was killed by a drunk driver.
I sold my house, moved and only made life harder.
I then met a man that I later married. I (at that time) was diagnoised with histiocytosis (rare blood disease, much like cancer)
I had a daughter, who has been difficult for the past 6 years. I am divorced. He was a loser. We moved several times over the years. I was the only one working, even sick...
Now I am no longer suffering from that disease. My ex now is in the military and is married.
Last year (Dec) I went to my uncles house (who had cancer) and watched a horrible death that night. I still have those visions in my head.
Since then, I have dreamed of my dad and his death also... I did for years but they stopped until last year and now they are back.
I recently found out that I have COPD...Trying to quit smoking, but just an't seem to do it right now.
The guy I am engaged to and living with is a good man. He is affectionate, and loving and gives me all I should want. But I still feel no joy in my heart.
Recently I have been having flasbacks and sickness in my stomach when he touches me...Sometimes he runs his hands on my throat and neck. I told him he is the first to do this without getting smacked. Because when I was raped, the guy had his hands on my throat... He continues to do this. I think to try and get me to "get over it" but my fears are now getting worse. I am more jumpy and been feeling more depressed. I want to stay in bed. I have no interest in anything anymore.
I have been doing some searches for depression and came across PTSD
Could I have this and how is it treated?