Is it possible to have post traumatic stress disorder that is brought on by the "good" memories?
Hard to explain.
I married a wonderful man 6 years ago. Had waited for "the right guy". Everyone knew we were to be married. Would take too long to explain. I was 40, he was 42.
Shortly after the wedding, he killed my dog in a fit of rage - he broke it's neck. I (and no one else supposedly) had seen this side of him. He ended up being a real Jeckell & Hyde personality. Weeks would go by fine and happy, though I was scared because of what he did. Then, in an instant the rage would come...... I left after 12 months. It destroyed my life and I lost all I had attained in my lifetime (except my life and my daughter's life). After I left, he stalked us, and went to jail 2x. He tried to run me over and kill me.
Have had lots of couselling. They say I have PTSD, but I do not have flashbacks to the bad times...... I mourn over the loss of the good times. He was so wonderful when we met...and the "good man" that was inside of him was awesome.... the dreams and goals we had were so exciting. Feels like I am dead somehow. Stuck.
Haven't been able to "get on with life".............................
yes, I have rebuilt a business, and now have rebuilt material possessions and all, but there is a constant pulling to the sadness of the dreams that were destroyed. The shame is intense.
RubyRose, you are lucky to have happy memories before the trauma came. Keep those. As for the PTSD part, the happy memories are not really a part of that. They contribute mightily to the shame factor, though. I have PTSD from a live in babysitter (same sex) who sexually abused and physically tortured me. But when I was really upset, she would brush my hair, which was very long, and I am still soothed by having my hair brushed. The PTSD comes from the Hyde part, not the Jekyll. He sounded like a dream, until the part about your dog. The key is in keeping those as separate as he did. Then you remember the trauma eventually, instead of being numb, and you realise that, while you can keep them separate, he cannot. You have the right to happy memories of your wedding and your dreams. He does not. He couldn't separate the monster from the prince. Leave that shame to him, and do your best to accept the bad times and cherish the fact that, for a little while, you had a prince.
I hope this makes sense. It's so convoluted, this PTSD stuff, that it's hard to separate the shame. Please don't feel any shame. It was not your fault.
My opinion is that you must burn your bridges behind you. You can not linger on to good memories that are linked to bad memories. The past is the past, and the future is around the corner. You sound like the kind of person who should not have a hard time finding a good mate and companion. I know this sounds a little harsh, but you must move forward. Anyone with that type of temper who would break a dog's neck does not deserve any memories at all. That's my opinion. There is no reason for that type of behavior.