Re: "VOLCANO or CIRCUS"
Quite a few of the vets I know with severe PTSD are going through what you are. One moment they're on top of the world. The next, watch out. As to my knowledge of PTSD and working with PTSD veterans (in a general sense), these extreme reversals of emotional outlet are classic signs of PTSD.
A case in point, my brother-in-law, now single, was a Huey door gunner in Nam where he wasted people with an M-60 machine gun on a daily basis. He sadly left the better part of himself in the skies over Vietnam and came back with severe PTSD. He would fly off the handle and get violent one moment only to turn around and mellow out as if nothing had happened. I call him the Nation's Posterboy for PTSD but to this day he refuses to seek out VA PTSD Outpatient help. Defiant to the end, he's divorced, an emotional wreck who uses drugs by the score to kill the mental pain, and he's on the verge of complete meltdown.
I don't applaud your use of booze for the reasons you do and I won't. That's only going to make your problems and pain worse in the end and complicate your recovery and stability. You have the moxy to state your case before the masses in this format so I give it to you that you are also aware enough to see the dangers involved. For a short while I played those same games. They're rigged for you to lose.
A bright side are some of your prior posts that I've read. You be up on your game, dude. Don't let that go to waste.