| | Looking for honest opinions and help.
I've posted before about my PTSD caused from the abuse from my uncle. I've been having flashbacks. These are different then the flashbacks I've had before. It's not like I'm reliving it, this is stuff that I don't remember. It's like it's happening for the first time. Then I react like it just happened. I had one memory that shocked me and disgusted me so much that when I think about it I get the dry heaves, which has never happened before. I just can't believe that something like that really happened to me and I just forgot it? It's like I have amnesia but I know I don't. I never suffered any head trauma or concussion or anything that would bring on amnesia. I'm starting to think that I'm making this up or something. I hope that's what's happening because it just feels like I'm crazy or something.
Then yesterday I got a call from my aunt, who told me that my uncle was upset because his ex-wife will not let him see his daughter anymore. She said she didn't know any of the details but she implied that something happened and his ex is furious and will not let him see her ever again. I just assumed that he did something to her. Here's my problem, I never told anyone in my family about what he did to me. I know that he raped me, and it continued for a long time. If I had spoke up and told, this never would have happened to her. She's only 13. I feel responsible. I completely broke down yesterday and thank god, my friend came right over and made me call my therapist. He tried to convince me that I wasn't responsible, but I still feel it. Even as an adult, I knew he was spending ALOT of time with her, I should have said something to save her from him.
So, I'm very sad and confused today. I have an appt w/my therapist Tuesday. I need help to make it to that appt. I can't stop thinking about the memories that I keep having and I can't stop feeling guilty about what has now happened to my cousin. ~Bunny