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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 06-18-2005, 08:06 AM   #1
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I need some help

Hi, I'm new in this board. I dont know too much about PTSD but everyone around me has told me that i have it. My big brother, who has never, ever spoken up to me about anything like this in my life had somewhat of a breakdown with me a few months ago and i guess im just now letting it sink in. I've been struggling with an Eating Disorder, anorexia, for the past 6 years. which has put a lot of a strain on me and a lot of stress, as well as on my family and friends, ive lost most of my friends, and my fam prob would walk away if they could. but when my brother wrote me a letter to get real with me i guess because he didnt want to actually talk it out with me he said that im not going to make it if icant get it together and try too get out of this hole im in. my best friend died a year and 8 months ago, well it will be a year n 8 months in a couple more days. I was at his house with my ex and his ex, we were all great friends and had been for years, me, my best friend, and my ex were inseperable. we went to his house to party. i got so drunk along with the two boys, the other girl ,dianna, mostly always stays sober i guess soif something happens that she can take care of it. anyways to make a long story short, my best friend and his ex got into it, and he came out on the porch to me because he was mad and upset, and he just went crazy and we had no control. he stole her car and took off, he hit a tree and died that nite. i just i dont know, icant let it go, i feel like it's my fault, i had the chance to stop him and i didnt take it. because the story is a little more than what i had said, the girl dianna come down the driveway n her car,she was gonna leave, she was my ride and i didnt want her to, because they always fought and she'd always leave, well i got her out of the car and had her walking across the street with me tocalm downand she said let me get my keys, i pulled her with me and promised that the car wasnt going anywhere, and i was more wrong than i could have ever knwon i was gooing to be, and now its my fault he's gone....i dunno, can someone lend me a hand
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Chrissy

 
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Old 06-20-2005, 02:40 PM   #2
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Re: I need some help

I just would like you to know that you are not alone. I also went through something similar to your situation, about 1 and half years ago. I don't know if the symtoms are necessarily indicating PTSD. Do you have nightmares, sleeplessness, paranoia, exagerrated startle response, flashbacks, etc.? Did you find this boy? Sorry to ask such questions. When I say exagerrated startle response~as in if someone was to come up behind you and scare you would you freak out and about have heart attack?? Feel free to talk to me about it if you would like to.

blonde_girl

 
Old 06-20-2005, 03:59 PM   #3
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Re: I need some help

I have had nightmares since the nite it happens. I bearly ever sleep because of the nightmares. its horrible, it plays over in my mind like a horrible dream every day the whole day long, i can't block it out, i feel like im trapped by it. I have a lot of flashbacks from that nite, and there are certain things i still cant doo because it makes me remember, i havent drank since that nite because i got trashed with him and i mean i was an alcoholic back and i quit cold turkey because i know he would still be here had we all not been drinking. the last time i remember being scared yea i freak out bad., but everyone im around knows not to scare me because i swing when they do it, but a boy at work hid n a box my second day thereand when i walked back he jumped out of the box and scared me so back i started screaming and i jump so far it takes my breath away and i mena ill just shake for like an hour.....ive been diagnosed with a panic disorder that began after my best friends first death....he was n a wreck from drinkin and driving and died twice in it but was revived 3 years before he died for good, and i started having the bad panic attacks after his first deaeth and then i had got to the point where i was off all my meds and doing wonderful hadnt had a panic attack in almost 2 years and then he died and i started having them all over again. . . mostly at nite when i wake up from the nitemares. No I didnt find him..... him and his ex got n a fight that nite, i was outside talkkin with my ex and smoking a cigarette and my best friend come out sayin that dianna slapped him n the face and he wanted her to leave, well they always fought when were were partyin together so it was nothing new, but this went beyond that, we laughed at him and he got so mad he freaked ut n was screamin for dianna to leave, s he come down the driveway n her brand new car she hadnt had for 2 weeks and hadnt made the first payment on. well she come down and my ex will said chris dont let her leave so i was like ok i run down to stop her at the end of the driveway n my best friend runn and jumped on the hood of her car for some reason, well when he did that she jumped out and pushed him down, i grabbed her and started walkin across the road n she said let me get my keys, i said no, ur car isnt going anywhere and i made her walk with me, we got across the street and turned around and my best friend was n her car revvin the engine real high...and he locked the doors we couldnt get him out and he took off made it 3 miles hit a tree and was killed....me and my ex will went to lookk for him as soon as he took off, will didnt want to he kept tellin me he'd be back but i had a feeling something bad would happen, so we went, and ew drove right past him 2 times after he was wrecked and never saw him, i guess it was because god knew i would go crazy if i found my best friend like that...all the ambulances started goin past the house with cops and firetrucks and none of them had their lights on....at 4 the cops come to the door and i was upstairs layin n will's bed alone because i was so stressed i just needed to be alone and i heard dianna scream she came runnin up to me and knealt down and she was like chrissy he's gone, and i freaked out i was like no no no he'll be back and she ended up having to hold my face n her hands and look me dead n the eye and yell at me a lot to get me tobelieve it...it was the most horrible nite of my life, i come down hte steps n the cop is standin there going we need a number to call his family so they can come claim his body, it ****** me off so much like u dont claim his body, and they should have had more respect for him than what they did....his family came around 9 that morninng, because he died at 209 and the cops found him at like 3 and he left the house at like 205...i mean he died right away, and right before he took off he had kissed me and told me he loved me and always had and i told him that i knew and that i loved him too, because we would have been together if dianna wasnt my friedn but i couldnt hurt her like that, that was the only thing that kept us apart. . .but i dunno...his family came and his gma had me by the neck screamin in my face telling me it was my fault her baby was deadand i wasnt allowed to go to the veiwing or funeral because its my fault....i blame myself too for it, because i should have got the keys instead of tellin dianna that her car wasnt going anywhere....maybe that will help a little n letting u know if ud say i have it or not, and give u a little insight of the problem i deal with day n and day oput....and coould u please tell me what PTSD is, n dont say post traumatic stress disorder because i know that much, but i dont know what it is, what causes it, why people get it things like that. thanks for talking to me and giving me the okay to let everything out. i appreciate it, and im so sorry that uve gone thru something like this its horrible and no one deserves to deal with it
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Chrissy

 
Old 06-20-2005, 04:46 PM   #4
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Re: I need some help

Chris,

There are many good PTSD websites out there. If you just type PTSD in a google search you can find millions of websites. I never thought I had it because.....well, let me tell you my story so that you understand.

November 30, 2003, three days after Thanksgiving my dad went to Florida to play golf (my parent's are div.), so we were all home by ourselves (my brother & I). I was 19, my brother 17. It was a Sat. night and he asked me if he could have a few people over to have a few drinks. I told him I didn't care as long as they weren't loud because I had to work the next day, and it didn't turn into a huge party. One of my good friends (also 19 at the time) went to the liquor store and bought them 2 cases of Budweiser w/ a fake ID. When I went to bed I felt nervous about the situation so I told my brother that no one was to leave unless he was for sure they had a sober ride home or they walked (two of them live right up the st.). I awoke the next morning to my brother screaming, his face was white as a ghost, his eyeballs sticking out of his head like golf balls. He just kept saying ****** is dead. (this boy was pretty much my little brother, his sister is my age and we all grew up together). I kept asking him what happened and he told me ***** was just laying there on the floor. The 1st thing I thought was alcohol poisoning I mean what the hell else could happen. I put my shoes on and went up to the house as fast as possible, thinking repeatedly he will not die if I have anything to do about it and I really believed that he wouldn't.

I got up to the house and ran in the front door as fast as I could. He was right in front of the door. All I saw was blood and more blood and a shotgun. I closed the door and started screaming bloody murder. I stood against my car and waited for the cops to get there. I passed out and hit my head on my car at one point.

Ever since the incident I had the biggest startle reaction if someone scares me. And it took me 6 months to open doors on my own, I used to have to have people open the door for me and look and make sure nothing bad was on the other side. I hated being at home by myself at night. I always felt like someone was behind me watching me. I had/have terrible dreams about the bullet going through his head, etc.

I have to go home right now from work so I will continue at home in a few.

Blonde_girl

 
Old 06-20-2005, 08:17 PM   #5
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Re: I need some help

Sorry... anyway... I never thought that I had ptsd because on all the websites you will see that it says that you must have felt you were in a state of danger or helplessness. I myself was not in danger, but I did feel helpless at one point. I have never been diagnosed with ptsd, I guess probably because I won't go to the dr. for it. I have heard that they put on medication for anxiety. I don't like being on medicine.

Over time so portions have gotten a bit better. I still sometimes have bad dreams and can't sleep, but have started learning to cope with it. I also seem to do better in the summer, I don't know why. When it gets to around the time in the year when it happened I get more anxious.

I feel that I can relate to you because I have felt great guilt about whether or not this has been my fault~letting them drink. Sometimes I feel like if I wouldn't have let them drink it wouldn't have happened. It also bothers me that no one really knows what happened. He was home by himself that night. It was pronounced an accident, but who really knows what happened except for God.

Please post back if you would like to

Blonde_girl

 
Old 06-20-2005, 08:30 PM   #6
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Re: I need some help

I also forgot to say, someone getting in a car and drinking and driving is no one's fault but their very own. Ya they say real friends dont' let their friends drink and drive, but it wasn't like you said hey here's the keys go have a nice joy ride. One of my friends almost died drinking and driving last summer, but he was lucky and survived. Sounds a little bit like your friend...he almost died drinking and driving in a first accident and then was hurt much more badly the second time. He was driving a brand new corvette at 160 mph and flew 35ft. over a barbed wire fence and somehow, I don't know how he survived. But he will admit now that he was mad at his ex but it was his choice to get in that car and drive. His friends even told him see ya have a nice night and let him leave the bar wasted. There is only so much other people can do.

Just some insight.

Blonde_girl

 
Old 06-21-2005, 09:28 PM   #7
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Re: I need some help

I almost cried when I read your post. Wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's horrible. I agree no one knows what happened that nite but God...Thats the same with my best friend, the cops said it was an accident, that he was going to fast around the turn, but i think he drove off the road on purpose....i mean he told me that nite he was going to die before he was 21, and he had told me tons of times that he'd drive into a tree when he didnt wanna deal with everything anymore. I'm glad that things are beginning to get better for you, and it's understandable for you to get more anxious around that time of the year. This year i will go through it with you, my best friend died on the 20th, ten days before...so we really will be going through it almost the same time together, same year and everything.
I want you to know that you can't put the blame for this on your shoulders. Your brother asked you if he could have a few friends over...you said yes but under the strict conditions that no one drove drunk...which is very comendable....I am so glad about that I hate drinking and driving more that anything. I mean you went the extra step that most people do not take, to make sure that everyone was safe so you could rest your head and sleep with a clear mind. You did not put that gun in his hand. You don't even know why he had it out, maybe he was showin it off, maybe he was going to shoot it, cleaning it...my brother almost shot hisself cleaning a gun he thought was on safety and empty. put a hole through a lamp and the wall. I mean there are so many possiblitlies of what could have gone on that nite behind the door of his house, but one thing I know for certain is that you did not hand him that gun and you letting your brother have a party had nothing to do with that. I mean if it happened because he was upset and got drunk and did something, u know which would be the worst case which im sure you think about.....if it was that he would have gotten drunk by himself in that house if your brother didnt have the party. I know that it sucks. I really do know. It hurts really bad too. I just want to be able to talk to him. After andy died I had nitemares all the time. Bad ones. And then I quit sleeping, I would stay awake for days, I wasnt working then, i quit after he died i couldnt work, i was a wreck i couldnt do anything. I dont know...sometimes I forget he's gone....I drive past his old place and dont see anyone there and I just think he's out of town and then im brought back to reality, i hate it....its like there is a part of me missing....and im sure if he was like ur little brother theres a part of you missing too
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Chrissy

 
Old 06-22-2005, 07:38 AM   #8
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Re: I need some help

I would like to add something here if you don't mind. I really do suffer from PTSD from a car accident and then when my brother died suddenly, I really went out of control. Everyone who loses someone will have dreams, this is the way for the subconscious and conscious mind to work out this anxiety. You are feeling guilty, when you should not be. Everything happens for a reason, understand? No matter how much you would or should of tried to stop him, it was not your destiny to do it. Every soul has a lesson to learn, this is not your lesson, this is the lesson between your friend and her deceased boyfriend now. So please go for some counseling, I was guilty about my brothers death too and you will find counseling to be an excellent source of communication for you and this tragic death. God Bless

 
Old 06-22-2005, 09:37 AM   #9
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Re: I need some help

ainfante,

Are you saying tht just because you have dreams doesn't indicate that you have PTSD? I truly believe that at one point I had PTSD pretty severly. I was at the point where I almost couldn't live my daily life. I was in college living in the dorms at the time and my boyfriend had to come down and stay with me for a week because I would wake up having anxiety attacks every couple hours from horrible dreams. It really helped to have him there when I woke up really upset. They say there is a difference between normal "sad" dreams about a lost loved one and vivid, horrible reruns of the incident (which indicates PTSD).

I don't know if this could be a sign of PTSD Please let me know what you think: (cryingskies too)-- About two months ago my BF and I were watching a movie, we both fell asleep but my head was at one end of the couch and his head at the other. I "woke up" kinda I guess, and started walking around his apartment crying and searching for him because I thought he was dead. His bedroom door was closed so I thought he was dead on the other side of it. I opened it and he wasn't there. I looked in the closets, everywhere. Finally I went back in the livingroom where he was sleeping the whole time. I hugged him and started crying hysterically. He woke up and thought I was crazy. He said it took him about a full minute to get me to wake up. I have never sleep walked in my life.

 
Old 06-22-2005, 09:49 AM   #10
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Re: I need some help

I forgot to mention:

The day after he died my brother and him were supposed to go hunting (w/ shotguns). So the investigators think that he was getting his stuff together when he was drunk and dropped the gun on the tile and it fired.

The reasons I don't believe this:

I found on the internet that the chances of a loaded shotgun firing if dropped on a concrete floor are about 1 in 5000. Also my brother said that he was the last one to shoot that gun and he KNOWS he unloaded it.

So sometimes I believe he might have set it up to look like an accident since they were going hunting the next day and it was the last day of the season.
But, this boy had absolutely no signs of suicide. He was very happy it seemed, his parents had been divorced for about 3 years, he lived with both parents on and off, and both parents were stable in their jobs and lives. So I really don't know. Sometimes I want to order his death cert. off the internet just to see if it says accident or suicide and someone (his parents) lied to everyone to make them feel better.

 
Old 06-22-2005, 09:57 AM   #11
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Re: I need some help

Regarding drinking and driving:

Did you hear about the 8 kids that died from the University of Wyoming Cross Country team? It was pretty much the whole team. It was on national news, it was four years ago. Anyway one of the boys that died in that wreck was one of my friends from my hometown. A drunk driver in a dually truck hit them at 75 mph head on.

I hate drinking and driving more than anything too. There is this kid that I used to be friends with which I am not anymore because he is too freaking stupid to figure out that he shouldn't drink and drive. He has two DWI from the last year. You would think they would suspend his license, but they haven't. I got in a huge argument with him the other night about how he will never learn until he kills someone or himself and he said he doesn't care. I told his best friend that if I ever saw him leave another party wasted I would call him in and he told me that that is wrong and to mind my own business. People just don't get it.

 
Old 06-24-2005, 09:41 PM   #12
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Re: I need some help

I can understand you hating drinking and driving. I hate it too. My boy T has a lot of DUI's and DWI's and I'm always on him about it, which this last one made him learn, or has for about the past 7 and a half months, so we'll see how it goes from there. I mean we've lost so many friends from drinking and driving. My best friend, which I've told you about that. Which was the worst nite of my life, n then my boy john, he was on his way home, he was out at my friends house playin cards with her n a few friends and her mom, and i talked to her mom the day after he wrecked and she said he drank a beer there before he left, she he was okay to drive, which im not keen on but he was aight from there, but he went to a bar and when that bar closed he went to a private club around here because it stayed open until 5 he was on his way home n for some reason took the interstate instead of the back roads and he never takes the interstate, he hit a bridge and was ejected, when he woke up he started walking and flipped off a bridge and landed 50 ft below, he was n the hospital for a week on life support and in a coma, we went to see him on his b-day the 20th and his mom, which was really his aunt because she raised him, said they decided to pull the plug and let him go in peace,that he wouldn't want to suffer, and we all agreed, there was about 20 of us that had gone down, they let us go in to say goodbye two at a time, except for his two best friends they each went in alone. at the funeral she let me put the roses i got in his arms, i had white ones with black tips....they are the only roses i will put on my best friends grave....but i mean a friend ive had since i was about 6 overdosed on vodka and methadone....so its not just driving while intoxicated....its drinking too much that gets you as well....but i mean...regaurdless of weither u have ptsd or not you will have a horrible time with any friends passing and ive been having a horrible time i mean ive lost 5 friends in the past 2 years and im about ready to go crazy. I dont know if I have ptsd....I've lost my mind when i lost my best friend so i dont even know half of the things ive done. My brother was taking a lot of psychology classes and he learned about ptsd and he told me that i needed to go to the dr because he thought i had it from learning about it at college....thats why i asked about it here....im so sorry uve lost ur friends so tragically. and its crazy that u had that happen while you were sleeping. I used to wake up screaming as loud as i could scream and no sound would come out id scream so loud tears would come out my eyes but no sound, i wouldnt be able to move my body it was like i was paralyzed, and then after about 5 minutes when id finally calm down and quit screaming then id be able to move again, it was horrible, but it only happens when i have the nitemares about andy.....so i dont know what i think about ur ordeal it sucks, sommetimes dreams are so real , but i do know ever since i lost my boy and i started having bad dreams i have dreams where i always find dead people, i found my friend in my backyard one day cut into so many pieces...and thenin another dream i was at a hotel with my real dad and we had just laid down to get some sleep, and on our door there was a red ribboon, i kept askin why it was there but all he would say is no matter what u hear dont make a sound and dont come out from undder the covers, and soon there after he made me go all the way under the covers to were u could only see him in the bed and some man came in and cut my dad up and there was blood everywhere.... i mean i never had dreams like this until my best friend died and now i have them a ll the time i dont know what they mean either....it sucks....but tyr to keep ur head up

 
Old 07-06-2005, 01:21 PM   #13
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Re: I need some help

Quote:
Originally Posted by blonde_girl
ainfante,

Are you saying tht just because you have dreams doesn't indicate that you have PTSD? I truly believe that at one point I had PTSD pretty severly. I was at the point where I almost couldn't live my daily life. I was in college living in the dorms at the time and my boyfriend had to come down and stay with me for a week because I would wake up having anxiety attacks every couple hours from horrible dreams. It really helped to have him there when I woke up really upset. They say there is a difference between normal "sad" dreams about a lost loved one and vivid, horrible reruns of the incident (which indicates PTSD).

I don't know if this could be a sign of PTSD Please let me know what you think: (cryingskies too)-- About two months ago my BF and I were watching a movie, we both fell asleep but my head was at one end of the couch and his head at the other. I "woke up" kinda I guess, and started walking around his apartment crying and searching for him because I thought he was dead. His bedroom door was closed so I thought he was dead on the other side of it. I opened it and he wasn't there. I looked in the closets, everywhere. Finally I went back in the livingroom where he was sleeping the whole time. I hugged him and started crying hysterically. He woke up and thought I was crazy. He said it took him about a full minute to get me to wake up. I have never sleep walked in my life.
I am not saying dreams indicate PTSD or not. I am saying that dreams are normal, this is how the subconscious and conscious mind work the problem. Flashbacks, on the other hand are PTSD. But flashbacks are normal too, how do u think the mind can heal? Also dreams, over excessive dreaming can indicate anxiety, and anxiety is just not a part of PTSD but many other disorders as well. That's all I was saying.

 
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