Firstly just want to say how sorry I am to hear how badly you feel right now. You've been through some horrible things and what you now feel is probably, sadly inevitable. I dont just mean now, I know you no doubt have been feeling at the bottom of the pit for so long, thats sad and I wish so much you could find a way out. Although we all go through different things and still find it hard to believe anyone could ever understand our own pain, the principle is most certainly the same- if it wasn't, people like you, me and all the millions of others wouldn't even bother to post on a place like this. I don't think we're really looking for answers, as deep down I'm sure we know we won't find them via a message board. Sure, we certainly crave answers but at the same time I'm sure all we really want when we come to these boards is to be acknowledged, to be heard, to be made to feel as worthy as the next person, or just to hear from a caring person, the list goes on and on. Honey, in that sense I want you to know you HAVE been heard and that those terrible emotions you're feeling have not fallen on deaf ears. I've read your post several times, wondering how best to respond to it, as I do with many, many other posts. I really do understand from the bottom of my heart, - that fear you express, and the wanting to crawl into a deep hole and never come out. Its such a powerful feeling, after experiencing that you may wonder what strength, if any, you have left. I recently posted on the depression board with similar feelings, I have no social life whatsoever, and also feel very frightened. But I still think you deserve massive praise, same as many people here, just for being brave enough to post on here in the first place. I know -how does that help you? you must think. I totally relate. You need so much care, love and attention like we all do yet its heartbreaking when innocent people like yourself don't ever seem to get it, eh.
Right now, it's far too easy for me to say, of course I appreciate that; yet the 1st thing coming to mind is that I can only recommend you focus on your children, if everything else is too hard. Try your best to remember why, and how and when you brought them into this world, and all the excitement you must have felt when you first gave birth to them. In that sense it may be a way to reconcile past, lost emotions due to the nasty things that have happened to you since. Your children depend on you honey, please don't give up. And not just them, but you deserve to be here, you're more than worthy of honouring the world with your presence. If you didn't even post this message, I would have no one to respond to! I know youre frightened and in despair, never alone though hun, although I know it feels like it. Don't give up, you're too precious. I also appreciate there is much more as you said in your post, that you haven't actually mentioned. I know there must be so much more, major things, a huge baggage. Still I wish you the very best of luck and love, and I know you can be strong enough to get through this. You've got through so much of what has obviously already happened. Take care of you, you are thought of, and loved as a fellow healthboard user, and as a special person, (and some more)!
luv michelle x x x