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angelblue65 · 08-25-2005, 08:32 AM

My story is just way too long to go into but when an adult who has not successfully processed sexual abuse from childhood enters into a relationship, is the pattern of sabotaging it when things get serious common?

Also, do boundary lines and right and wrong get muddled? More specifically, is cheating a common thing?

Do they have a hard time understanding that they are making poor choices and hurting the person they are in a relationship with?

I have just ended a relationship with my BF of a year and a half. He told me he has nothing left. I have quietly and lovingly given him a gentle push by suggesting that he needs to address his childhood issues. He does not think it is the cause yet he tells me that this is what happens over and over again and he thought (with me) would be different this time.

I still want to be his friend to help him (if he wants that) because it's breaking my heart to see this beautiful person who can be so loving and caring be so lost, withdrawn, sad, etc.. I tried everything and gave everything of myself.

I would appreciate any input. Thank you.

knotme · 08-26-2005, 03:52 AM

I still have issues with abandonment, being touched, having someone in the same bed. I do sabatage my relationships because I don't want to be hurt again. Lots of breakup/makeup, rollercoaster, high drama.

I think I do make poor choices just so I can say they're all the same, excuses, playing the victim. Tell myself never again, but falling for the same thing each time. I'm good at "you're better off without me".

I don't think I meant to hurt my luvie on purpose; only because I felt they don't care. Like I meant nothing to them. Never thought of cheating though, but always wonder if my partner is faithfull. Constant affirmation needed, being wanted. Real "clingy".

I think it's great that you want to be friends still, but it can be emotionally draining. Good luck

messy · 09-07-2005, 01:37 PM

hi angel

I would have to say, I think, that the issues you mentioned ARE very common. Abused people tend to sub consciously push people away and sabotage their own happiness. They believe they dont deserve any happiness or to be loved, so that in shunning other people, they are in fact punishing themselves as they feel they deserve it. I was sexually abused but havent had enough experience in relationships to truly know, (Im 23 and only ever had one boyfriend). I have terrible intimacy problems though, I wont let anyone near me any more. My friends mum was also abused and she did all the things you mentioned, including cheating. It can be really hard for the partner of an abused person to cope with the rollercoaster ride of emotions. Abused people can be complicated and very trying! Best of luck to you, I hope you do stay friends with your ex

luv michelle

angelblue65 · 09-07-2005, 06:15 PM

Thank you both so much for responding. I realize in hindsight that my post probably posed very difficult questions so I appreciate that you took the time to share with me.

I am absolutely devastated by the fact that my ex cheated. We planned a future together and I put all of my faith in this man. Now I feel like someone took him away - all of him - and I"m left with someone I no longer recognize. YET, he's his old self with this new girl - 12 years his junior - and she's only 7 years older than his oldest son. Nothing about this makes sense and it kills me a little bit more each day to think that he can give all of it up to be with her. I cannot reason with him one bit to try to make him see that this affair affected us. Meaning he cannot believe that the reason why I'm ending this is because of the affair. He truly believes one does not affect the other.

I'm left completely baffled!

But thank you again for responding. I appreciate it.

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