Do in or dont i-my story, plz read - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

pucca_chick · 06-15-2006, 07:44 AM

hi, well a while ago i was on another health site and this man who was like a counsellor told me i had PTSD. i dont know if i beleieve him., yes ill admit ive had probelms and my head is a bit of a mess, but i dont know.

i was bullied badly in school for no real reason, then stabbed me with pencils and then chased me with pen knives.

teachers werent much better, theyd single me out, scream in my face, call me stupid and all the rest, then rip my books apart and throw it on the floor or across the room.one tome a teacher grabbed me by the lapels and soprta dragegd me acroos the chairs half standing and half falling, and then shuved me into a bunch of stuff.my parents were constantly in and out, i was crying most days of thw week in class, was never out of detention cos i cudnt do the work, i had a few panci attacks wen i was like 8/9 yrs old-but no1 really beleived me, they just shouted at me to stop it.

at 9/10 yrs old a boy round were i lived used to get us all to play hide and seek and then he'd take me to a special place and touch me and get me to touch him. he was 15 yrs old-does that count as abuse???i later found he'd asked my 5 yr old brother to play strip poker in his bedroom-but he said no thank god.

needless to say ive never had a proper boyfriend(im18-how sad), i kiss guys wen im out(i know that sounds strange but were i come from thats just normal good fun-not seen as strange or ****ty). i dont mind it, i never ever get attathed, i feel totally empty wen doing it, i cant even feel much, it means nothing to me and i just cant bring myself to be interested much(im not gay tho-which is even scarier cos then ill be alone).

im a shy quiet person till u get to know me, i hate public speaking(panic attacks), i get v.nervous meeting new people unless im drunk or high on sugar and i get rather angry at times.

ive had eating probelms(sorta brodering on disorder), ive hid depression for 3 years(kno1 knows), ive cut, punched myself stupid, banged my head against walls, tried making myself throw up, and then was gona jump out a window once but obviously came to my senses.i still kept up my act tho, im a quiet sensible girl, heading in the rite direction, getting my exams and am going off to uni in september-thats what it looks like on the outside.

things r much beter now, i still worry ill be alone, i cant interact well with boys and am generally shy and feel awkward sumtimes in social situations. i only cut rarley now wen theres bin an arguement with my parents or sumthing, and i eat ok now.i dont feel as down, i never cry nemore, i dnt feel much, i get extied now and then but mostly i have negative thoughts on most things, i have no faith and i can see myself alone, and i get angry with men at times for them just being men.

is this guy talking sense, what is this. if im ok now then is there ne point ,looking into what he said. what do u guys think can u help me, i know my past is pretty pathetic to what u guys went thru, i shud be happy, i have good parents, we have a big house, i have a bro, a dog ans cat and we holiday every yr with no money probs, but i just wana know y i was this way and y im so negative even tho i try but cant not be, its just me and i truley cant think ne other way, i feel like i see the truth. plz help xox

StephanieAnne · 06-15-2006, 06:28 PM

Hi

You have been thru alot, have you thought of maybe going and talking to someone who can properly diagnose you? Maybe you can start with your Mother? You need to talk to someone who can help you figure all of this out, you don't have to do this all alone, and once you tell your mom you may feel better, and then maybe your family dr can help. You sound like you are ready to ask for the help and that in itself is a HUGE step.

PTSD people really don't know how to feel, because their feelings have been so hurt that they are afraid. I suffered for 30 years with PTSD until I got treatment, and you don't want to suffer that long, you deserve to have a normal life. IF you do start seeing a therapist, and you are not happy with what is happening or with the therapist, then find another one, I went to a female therapist, I just felt that a woman would be easier to talk to and she would understand me better.

Think about it, life is different when you can be happy and content and not scared and depressed.

galinaqt · 06-18-2006, 05:07 PM

I also think I am suffering from ptsd but I had bad experience with councelors first one was man and second was woman. If somebody wants to try it, I'll suggest to use somebody who refferred by trustful person and learned info on the internet how to choose right councelor. Also he/she should be close in age and have same background (if you an immigrant better use somebody who are immigrant from your country as well).
In a nutshell first person just shout and told me what to do and talk about things he is interested in. Second was nice at first than out of a blue she started shouting and insulting me session after session until I broke up with her.

StephanieAnne · 06-19-2006, 05:32 PM

galinaqt

how awful that you had to get therapists like those, you are smart to get out. You for sure don't need someone yelling and tellng what you should do to change, you need someone to walk you thru the pain and explain to you why you feel that way, that is how it's properly done

Have you found a new therapist? I would call therapists and question them, say, I don't need someone to tell me how to change, I need someone to explain to me why I am like I am [because of the trauma] and how to put it away, if you can leave 2 providers because of their treatment, you are ready to find a good one.

I had/have a female therapist, and she is in her 60's and she is Japanese

I would have never thought in a zillion years that someone like that could help me, but it just goes to show what happens when you step outside your comfort zone. I wish you luck, and maybe you want to look for a PTSD trained therapist

galinaqt · 06-20-2006, 08:40 AM

I had recommendations for new therapists, but I am still reluctant to go 'cause of bad people I had and time shortage. I think I should interview a person only after I got a reference. It is not hard to fool somebody over the phone in order to get a job. Second person was extremly pushy and annoying to have and keep me as a customer for good.
I had eap program at work were first 10 sessions were free for me and I pick up people randomly from the list. May be big reason that they were payed little under that program.