Beekermlady

Hi All,

I was struggling whether or not to post this, as I am not sure that I truely suffer for PTSD. I am 20. I have a twin sister, a brother (18), and a younger sister (17). My brother, sisters, and myself, are all very close. We grew up as each other's best friends and all through school we were always together.
On October 7, 2005, we decided to go to a mall about a half hour away from our house. Two of our friends were going to come along, also, but they were driving in their car together. They grew up with us too, they are sisters 18 & 15 and until recently they lived just down the street from us. Now they live a few miles away.

Anyway, we decide to meet at the mall. A rain storm was expected later on that night and my younger sister had to cheer for a high school football game at six, so our trip to the mall was going to be short. We went in, got what I wanted, grabbed some pretzels and walked out of the mall. When we were leaving I commented to my friend, 'Drive careful, and slow' as the rain had started and she was a fairly new driver. She parroted that back to me. When we got on the highway (the first of 2 on our route home) and realize that it was congested we decided to take a back road that my sister knew about from going to college in the area. We took the back road and beat a majority of the traffic.

We headed back onto the highway, and got to the point where my friends (who were following us through the back road) was going to exit to go to their house. We had the option to get off the highway and take the back streets home, which would have taken about a half an hour, or to take the next exit further which would bring us to the highway that is only a minute or two away from my house. Because we were pressed for time (and we were unsure of the condition of the back roads, with the rain) we opted to take the highway. This highway was one I drove on daily commuting back and forth to school. I knew the road very well. At one point the highway ends and it puts you at street lights. Again I had an option, I could turn left at this first light (I would have to wait for oncoming traffic) or I could go up two more lights where I would have the left turn arrow. I opted for the first one.

I waited at the intersection for awhile and knew the light would change in about 20 seconds. At this point there are two lanes of traffic on either side of me. A car in the inner lane of the oncoming traffic slowed to let me turn. I checked the second lane and started to go. Suddenly, the second guy (the guy behind the car that stopped for me) decided he did not want to wait and went around the man who stopped for me. I was through the first lane of traffic and from my back door to the back of the car was still in the second lane of traffic. The light was about to change and the guy stepped on his gas. He slammed into the back of my Saturn LS and sent it spinning down the hill I was turning on to. Luckily, there was a big Old Cadillac sitting at the light on the hill, my car slammed into it and it came to a stop. This all happened in an instant.

Because the brunt of the accident was in the back of the car, my twin and my brother took most of the impact. In the front we jolted a little, and had some burns from the seatbelts. The back passenger side of the car (where my twin was) was completely knocked in. And the rear bumper on the drivers side was cracked from the collision with the Caddy.

I being the oldest jumped into motion, as soon as I could. I got out of the car and tried to will the others out to. My younger sister (seated in the front passengers) got out of the car but was very shaken up, this was the first accident she was ever in. But my twin and my brother in the back seat would not get out. My Twin looked like she was knocking on deaths door. She had hit her head on the window and accidentally flung her arm into my brother during the accident. She hit him so hard she bruised his rib. He couldn't get out because it was hard for him to breathe (she knocked the air out of him) and he also did not want to leave my sister. I was so scared, but I couldn't cry. I called 9-1-1 and my parents (hardest call I ever had to make)!

Eventually, after visits to the emergency room, we were all sent home with minor bumps and bruises. My siblings (although in pain the first week) recovered quickly, and I have yet to. I would not drive for a very long time, and when I finally did I would not make left turns. I have yet to drive passed the spot of the accident (take alt. routes) and on the occassion that I am in the car when someone else drives passed it I breakdown! I frequently have flashbacks, and nightmares.

I find that it is on my mind all the time. I remember the way that my siblings screamed when they realized that we were going to be hit. I feel like the first few moments after the accident were a dream. I was only sent home from the hospital with a valium to calm my nerves. Nothing else was wrong with me. No bumps or bruises, yet all my siblings had something wrong with them. I felt so guilty. I HAD done this to them, and I walked away with nothing, it seemed so unfair! I find myself reliving the day over and over in my head, reliving the moments of the accident, and it seems so unreal. I totaled my car. It's still hard for me. It's coming on a year and it is still hard for me. I cry often about it, yet other times I feel numb to it.. like it did not happen to me.

Unfortunately, my siblings tend to throw it in my face when I critcize their driving. "Well, I am not the one who got us all into an accident!" is what they would say to me. That just turns the knife that is already in my heart. I withdraw from life for a while and just mourn for what I use to be when they tell me this. I really wish I could just go back and change that day.

I have written an entire novel I think! I just want to add that I have told my mother that I need help (on occassion, when it has gotten bad) and she just tells me to go get help. I don't know where to look, and I don't know if insurance will cover it. So to date, I have not had any professional help.

Well, if you made it this far I applaude you. Thanks for letting me get this out.

Sincerely,
Britt