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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 10-07-2006, 01:16 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 62
makingsenseout HB User
God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to be carefree and fun..I was loving,sensual,attentive,and carefree.The world was my home and every experience was something new and exciting.My delilma started when we moved from New Orleans to rural Colorado.I love it here I really do..We were the lucky ones...The ones that went back repaired and left for parts unknown.Somewhere inbetween I became a whiney ,self indulged person thinking that I was unable to do anything anymore.About three or so months ago I started having little panic attacks here and there..I really think that going back and forth in high altitudes probably accounted for most of it..so I didn't think much about it. I was happy we had a nice new home with most all our things from New Orleans in a place you could only dream about ...I was so used to being busy with this and that all the time.. I suppose I didn't have time much to think about feeling ill..and being on the road forever ..back and forth and here and there and I was tired but felt that we escaped without too much problems or issues..We were seperated from our children by many miles and went through a depression about them not visiting here.. and came to grips with it..We went to see them from east coast to west coast and everywhere inbetween..more travel...Then we settled in and started our new life here.Its not the same here..Its beautiful.. no complaints.. its quiet...so quiet I have never in my life been somewhere so quiet.. and its big..big sky country..sound beautiful? Its superb..but there was something missing..something now quite right...oh yeah..it wasn't home...Its been almost a year now that we have been settled in and over the last few months I have noticed many things that were odd almost scary here.We are at over 8000 ft..We live almost in the mountains and the clouds come down on our property which I suppose overwhelms us with vapor but who knows..We live a mile from our nearest neighbor and seven miles into town.We see wildlife ..here and there and the mountains at our door..My problems started really about two months ago with a pounding heartbeat in my head.. somewhere in my neck or ears or somewhere..I got really freaked because I read somewhere this is almost always caused by high blood pressure,blockage to an artery or a tumor or some sinister problem..but also could be caused by ear wax...etc..Well I knew I had issues with sinuses since I was a child and also with ears and drainage etc..so i coped awhile and wrote a few places on here for support..which was short lived and then finally broke down and went to a doctor..She was very nice to me..we sat and talked for over an hour and she found a partial blockage in one ear and full blockage in another.She made me an apointment with an ent in about two weeks.. and she took my blood pressure which was slighly high because of nerves and then checked for a hearing tumor..which I had none..She never asked for blood test...or ekg..although I could hear my pulse pounding at the time..she then said casually "oh you have a slight heart murmur" I said ..not to my knowledge and then I ask if needed test and she said for what? I said well for my murmur..she said no issue no test..It was very slight and could be the stress I was under...I said what stress..She said..she had been on three tours to Iraq..and she had seen it before...I had classic Post tramatic stress disorder..She asked a few other personal questions then said "yep" thats it.I said you mean I don't have a block artery? Or a bad heart problem?or pulmary adema or anything to do with altitude..she said the most I can find is an ear problem..I questioned her again about the murmur and she said..Look..I have a murmur myself and its not worth mentioning.. I ask if I should increase my BP medicine and she said no..She put me on zoloft and said that when I calmed down that my symptoms would go away.. I don't get it..How can I be PTSD without knowing it.. Everyday I am so paranoid about doing anything... I have read.. and I know that I am going to be in trouble with everyone for googleing everything..but everyday things that would never bother me worries me... I have convinced myself I have a heart issue and that Im going to have a heart attack or stroke..I can't enjoy myself because of the demon worry..I am so obsessed with the thoughts of classic symptoms its gotten to the point that if I burp wrong I worry.. Its rediculous.I don't know what to do I just want relief..The nearest therapist is about 30 miles away and I don't want to go to somebody I don't know which means about all the people that live within 750 miles of here or professionals that live 1200 miles from here....but I am just so sad..I really really want my life back.I have read miles of Zen and Budda and self help and positivie things..they help for a little bit then starting to read more and I think.,.I am not even really interested in this crap ..I just want to get better..I get miles of symptoms and don't know if they are real or imagined..My wife was there at the doctors office and says she believes the doctor that I really don't have a heart issue..I just think my mind, my courage and my will to live got up and left..Its so sad...Im finally in a place that I can sink my roots into and live and enjoy and relax and I can't..I know there are many of you on here that feel the same way,,GOD it feels just like the movie..AS GOOD AS IT GETS...where Jack Nicholson walks into the Shrinks office where all the people are and ask ..What if this is as good as it gets? At one time I had an attitude where nothing scared me or bothered me or worried me..I could take care of it.. What the heck happened? I want my life back... If you took the time to read all these things I appreciate it ..I know most of them are merceless self pity but I had to do something . I feel almost as if I am a prisoner of my own mind.I cannot keep the negative thoughts out..I just want to say to myself I just don't give a ..whatever?? You substitute you word there ok? My symptoms.. are hearing my pulse .. most all the time sometime pounding loudly sometimes lightly.If im walking I hear it sometimes loudly sometimes lightly ..Sometimes If I lay on the couch on my left side and prop up I don't hear it for awhile..if I lay in bed sometimes I hear it and can't get rid of it sometimes I don't hear it if I stay calm and just use the computer or watch tv..sometimes I hear it when I wake sometime I don't sometimes when we go slightly higher altitude sometimes not..sometimes outside other times no..I feel light the light plays tricks on my eyes.. I don't know if Im clumsy or just having anxiety and can't walk just so ..not really dizzy..just weird.My skin feels clamy even when its cold but like I said maybe its the mist from humidty in the air in the mountains..and my arms feel weird sometimes like stiff and then sometimes my eyes twitch..sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe other times when im outside doing something i don't feel the slightest bit of shortness of breath..Sometimes its this and sometimes its that .I think that I have always had alot of different feelings and never paid attention ..I just don't get it.. I feel anxious I don't feel anxious..I have weird feelings I don't have weird feelings .. I just want someone to say ..Hey .. its all good.. and its just getting use to the altitude or something remotely positive...I don't want to go back to the doctors and ask them for test..In my heart.. I don't think that I could do the things that I do without falling out.. or feel as good as I do sometimes if I had a terrible illness or terminal heart condition... It doesn't make sense..I used to sit for hours having fun on the internet looking up really fun exciting things.. chatting with friends... looking over exotic places to visit..checking this and that out..Now all I do is look up anxiety things.. symptoms of this and that hearing people scared as hell and not knowing what to do about it.. and reading where everybody keeled over dead from a broken toe nail or something really ***arre... I don't even use drugs other than prescribed ..I dont drink,..I dont have a weight problem ,I eat right, I exercise..I do smoke cigarettes but in moderation and I drink about three cups of coffee a day which the American Medical thingy said was beneficial.. GOD how I pray I just want to be carefree and not care about things again..I have got to the point where I worried so much about death.. that it almost sounds like a great change to be there so there is no more worries..But I would never do that ..I am too much of a hypocondriac..and besides I want every minute promised to me by the creator.. or whomever .. if its just 30 secs from now or 30 years from now but I just don't get any of this ..It isn't logical .. and I know most of you are going to say ....seek professional help.. well.. Its really not going to help... I need to work this out on my own..I just need someone to say "hey..its just you are worried about something that is really nothing" or we all been there you are gonna make it too...Maybe its the venting here that will give my mind logic enough to say .. I am going to live and i am going to make it no matter what I will survive..I am a survivor..thats what I do..But since I am in a new place it would really be nice ...someone that even knows what its like to live below sea level and go to over 8000 ft come forward and say ..All the things you mentioned now that I think about it are normal..People here where we live are so preoccupied with working on their farms or building there homes I don't think they will take the time but anything that can be offered here would be great..Even if you would just say ..hey ..Ill be your friend.. email me once in awhile.. or lets chat or something just to reassure each other that we will in fact make it..Thanks for listening to someone that used to be normal and wants to be again so much..

 
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Old 10-07-2006, 04:53 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,279
MAD MAZ HB User
Re: God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like to say hello, I also feel so alone in this world, I have my husband, my children, my sister and my friends, but this feeling of panic all the time runs me down.
My is all about health, I realy do have a health problem, I have a underactive thyroid ,I have Autoiummue Disease it where my immune system has turned against me.
I am going now has I have a cold and sore throat feel hot.

I would love to speak again, you take care....Mandy

 
Old 10-07-2006, 06:30 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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kvp_2 HB User
Talking Re: God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry you are feeling so bad! You are not alone I can promise you that. At times I feel the same as you and for the life of me I have no clue as to why. I have everything I have always wanted and dreamed of. I have a great husband and great kids and a very close family. I to wish I could make sense out of it but I cant I use to not have a worry in the world was fun and laughed all the time then it was like all of a sudden it just stopped. My Dr gave me zoloft and it has been great for me. I find that I am starting to be funny again and do silly things with my kids. I have been on it for about 7 weeks. Are you taking the Zoloft and if so for how long? I know I feel better when I am with friends, have you tried asking neighbors over for dinner? They may be busy and distant but who knows they may jump at the chance. Hang in there things can only get better and you will be fine!

 
Old 10-07-2006, 11:13 PM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 62
makingsenseout HB User
Re: God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kvp_2
I am sorry you are feeling so bad! You are not alone I can promise you that. At times I feel the same as you and for the life of me I have no clue as to why. I have everything I have always wanted and dreamed of. I have a great husband and great kids and a very close family. I to wish I could make sense out of it but I cant I use to not have a worry in the world was fun and laughed all the time then it was like all of a sudden it just stopped. My Dr gave me zoloft and it has been great for me. I find that I am starting to be funny again and do silly things with my kids. I have been on it for about 7 weeks. Are you taking the Zoloft and if so for how long? I know I feel better when I am with friends, have you tried asking neighbors over for dinner? They may be busy and distant but who knows they may jump at the chance. Hang in there things can only get better and you will be fine!
Thank you for your support and comments.I have been taking zoloft for about three weeks now and hoping it will kick in pretty soon.I now have hope that there is a bright spot in my life..about the zoloft and nice to know that you have people that care enough to speak to you and tell you ..they know exactly how you feel..Thank you again.Michael

 
Old 10-07-2006, 11:15 PM   #5
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 62
makingsenseout HB User
Re: God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAD MAZ
Just like to say hello, I also feel so alone in this world, I have my husband, my children, my sister and my friends, but this feeling of panic all the time runs me down.
My is all about health, I realy do have a health problem, I have a underactive thyroid ,I have Autoiummue Disease it where my immune system has turned against me.
I am going now has I have a cold and sore throat feel hot.

I would love to speak again, you take care....Mandy
Mandy,

Just wanted to say that I hope things are better for you too..Hopefully the meds will help me and I will stablelize..Thanks for having the courage to write to me and say something to help..Its very nice and gives me hope ..Michael

 
Old 10-08-2006, 07:16 AM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 9
kvp_2 HB User
Re: God! I Want My Life Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by makingsenseout
Thank you for your support and comments.I have been taking zoloft for about three weeks now and hoping it will kick in pretty soon.I now have hope that there is a bright spot in my life..about the zoloft and nice to know that you have people that care enough to speak to you and tell you ..they know exactly how you feel..Thank you again.Michael
You are so welcome! If you find after 6 weeks that you really dont think the Zoloft is working talk to your Dr. she might up the dosage or find something that will work better for you. Good luck and hang in there

 
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