I am wondering if any of you have ptsd as a result of prolonged emotional abuse, rather than an accident. from what I've read here up to now, (and I've not read too much, I've ashamed to say), but I don't feel like I belong here. Having said that I don't know 'where' I belong. So many emotions, no physical injury. This may seem odd to many, but if I put my son aside, I am 100% happy with everything in my life. Prior to the recent anxiety, I was beginning to feel it was time to have my anti-depressant meds. reduced. And then........you know the rest. Can anyone relate?
Many will have physical injuries but I can relate to you on the psychological level. My PTSD began to manifest itself when my brother passed away in 1990. I do not have a degree in psychology but will say that there must have been other stressors involved in a persons' life before the "traumatic" event brought the onset of PTSD symptoms.
I was doing pretty well for some time .................and then the MVA; which brought the intensity of symptoms back....times ten.
Take care and God Bless. Love and Peace. For the masses only.
isitme----my PTSD began from emotional negligence as a child from my mother. then an abusive (occassional physical but mainly emotional) first husband for 25 years. 9 years ago my middle daughter passed away at 21 in a car accident. that was my first disassociation. i can still see myself on the other side of the room watching myself on the phone. since then i have been in a terrrible state of mind. not constant but frequestly, then my best friend of 26 years passed very quickly from a blood clot, 6 months later my only sister commited suicide. 2 years later after being the caretaker for both of my husbands parents they passed away a week apart. so as you can see mY PTSD started from emotional abuse and then traumas added to it. this last flare up was brought on by physical injuries. It is the nature of the disorder that once you have it, at least at this point in my life, any physical, mental or emotional injuries will prompt a flare up. will i make it? absolutely!!! but the only way is with the help of all of you, my family and my wonderful counselor.
always wishing you the best,
ICC
The Following User Says Thank You to ICC For This Useful Post: cheza (03-02-2012)
ICC - You certainly have endured alot of grief throughout your life. I admire your courage and determination. Could I ask when you were diagnosed with ptsd? I am still rather confused with that. Is there a specific incidence which helps to give a diagnosis? You speak of disassociation. I had an incident where I visualized myself slashing my wrists, within hours of telling my son he could move in with us. It scared me to death at the time, but I haven't revisited that moment very often. I like your wording - 'a flare up'. That is a good way to see it. A problem, just like one can have a reoccurance of migraine. It is a confort to me, to know that the flare up does pass with time, sometimes just not as quickly as I would like. Thanks for sharing.
Isitme, from my understanding of it, PTSD it is the stress that you feel after a trauma(s). Basically, the person has much difficulty in functioning because of the trauma. Childhood/adult abuse (emotional/sexual/physical), wars, disasters, accidents, assaults, any trauma that you could think of and even if it was something that was only traumatic to the person suffering. I also think that the functioning of the person before the trauma has something to do with it (please respond if you disagree anyone). If the person came from a dysfunctional family and, therefore, had a less than "perfect" development emotionally and mentally, then they won't have the tools and reserve to process the trauma as easily (As if trauma is easy for anyone to process!).
ICC, you describe your upbringing as negligent. From reading what you have wrote I might describe it as emotionally abusive. Neglect is an act of omission (the parent failed to do something that would have been beneficial). Abuse is an act of commission (the parent ACTED in a way that caused harm).
Last edited by Sannah; 12-04-2006 at 11:51 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Sannah For This Useful Post: cheza (03-02-2012)
I think that your description of PTSD is quite accurate. I agree even with the functioning of the person before the trauma. If the family is dysfunctional, thus the person has less than perfect development emotionally and mentally. Most dysfunctional family's are NOT healthy, nurturing, guiding, teaching households, therefore we are not taught coping skills. Very good description. You have much to offer.
isitme---i was dx about 5 years ago. while in counseling my counselor noticed a combination of things that led him to believe it could be PTSD and did some testing and here I am. he was a PTSD counselor for years at one of the large VA hospitals so knew what he was looking at.
sannah-----I have to agree with stick. good explanation. I don't know about all with PTSD but I grew up in a dysfunctional family and agree with stick about developmental problems. thank you. you are right . my mother was emotionally abusive. most of the time she let me know that my sister was most special and i was much less important. there was alot of jealousy on her part in that my Dad held me under his wing. what did she expect when he saw the way she treated me. believe me i would be much worse off if not for my Dad.
If it wasn't for my grand fathers love and protection... I too would not have survived the night my mother tried to kill me. So you were lucky to have your dad. I understand what you went through.
I think I 'get it' now. Please tell me if I've still got it wrong!
I have ptsd, I believe I had the symptoms in the 80's, but said nothing about it, to anyone. I continued to function, without meds. til 90's. I then had a major breakdown. I've been recovering ever since, with my mood fluctuating at the drop of a hat, from 100% happy to 100% miserable. Only now do I see the triggers, (sister, son, daughter, others). Recognizing the triggers and reacting differently to them will put me in an emotionally better place, hence the need for it to come from within. *I* need to change me. I was stuck on 'the specific incident/the trauma that 'caused' ptsd. I couldn't find one with me. Now I see it that I have ptsd, and because I have ptsd, although I can feel great for a period of time, AT ANY TIME something will be said/done, and my REACTION to peoples words/action caused ALL the symptoms of ptsd to bubble up to the surface. (worthlessness, guilt, low mood etc). So it is irrelevent that I have been years out from the abusive relationship with the x and although I have recovered/healed from him, (and my son with his choice for his way of life) now I have to find coping stratergies for ME to deal with MY ptsd symptoms. Now I wonder, as my son lived through the same as me, could he too have ptsd, aswell as psychopathic tendancies? Mmmm
Yes, you very well could have PTSD, but it would be better if you were properly DX'ed by either a shrink, or PTSD therapist. Just putting labels on isn't a good thing. If I have seemed harsh in any of my post, I apologize. It's sometimes difficult in the written word to get emotions though.
Dealing with PTSD is sometimes challenging to say the least, and without coping skills we just develop whatever mechanism we can to get through. It usually works for a time, but then things start falling apart. Things don't work any more, and the more we try and make it work, the worse it gets. Panic sets in, we struggle more, anger because we can't fix it, frustration, because we can't convince others of our motives, things start to spiral out of control and we feel like the world is against us, paranoia to depression is with us daily.
The one thing we haven't tried is fixing us.... The way we handle things, the way we react to situations. Agreeing to disagree and not holding judgment against the other for their belief, or way of doing things. Understanding that everyone is an individual with their own life, and they have to live it as they see fit. Not focusing on everyone else, but looking within to see us.
Your son may indeed have PTSD, but he needs to come to terms with own illness or emotional upheaval on his own. It's not for you to fix it. If he comes to you for help, then be there, but until then there is nothing that you can do. If he was living in your home, and under age it would be your job, to provide him with ever tool available to help him, but as an adult he is on his own.
I hope that you can come to terms with what you are dealing with. I know first hand how hard family's can be, and how hard letting go is.
sid and isitme--- i have nothing else to add to this since i feel sid has done a great job. sometimes it's just a word that's used for the lightbulb to light up. today reading "paranoia" made me realize something else about myself. that is what i have been for years. always thought with all the heartache people were out to get me. maybe they were but i allowed it. having accepted what i have been through and no longer caring who/what brought this disorder on i know it is me that has to change and pull myself up by the bootstraps on the abuse will continue.
stick -
Dealing with PTSD is sometimes challenging to say the least, and without coping skills we just develop whatever mechanism we can to get through. It usually works for a time, but then things start falling apart. Things don't work any more, and the more we try and make it work, the worse it gets. Panic sets in, we struggle more, anger because we can't fix it, frustration, because we can't convince others of our motives, things start to spiral out of control and we feel like the world is against us, paranoia to depression is with us daily.
That was why I posted the paranioa thread. Both are with me daily.You haven't upset me in any way. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I've come so far, without being diagnosed all those years ago and yes, I've done 'whatever it took' basically to get through it. The doctor has said I could have ptsd as it is hard to seperate from the anxiety state I presented him with. Over the years I have done what came to me instictively as a coping mechanism to 'not be hurt' eg letting go. I know I'm rattling on, but I feel I've learnt so much lately. the jigsaw of 'me' feels almost complete and pieces have been missing for so long have been found. I can empathize with all you've said.
The one thing we haven't tried is fixing us.... The way we handle things, the way we react to situations. Agreeing to disagree and not holding judgment against the other for their belief, or way of doing things. Understanding that everyone is an individual with their own life, and they have to live it as they see fit. Not focusing on everyone else, but looking within to see us.
I am determined to 'FIX ME'. Basically, I began to lose myself at the age of 18 and have remained lost til a year or two back. I then noticed *I* was actually still there. As though I had supressed the real me, for fear of being rejected or having my ideas rejected. I have chosen to be the one not to make a fuss over the years. Accept whatever. Now I'm choosing to be the one who will be heard because I am very important to me. as all you are too.
The Following User Says Thank You to isitme For This Useful Post: cheza (03-02-2012)
May I suggest that you find a really good therapist with whom you feel comfortable with, and one who is knowledgeable in PTSD. It's important on this journey of recovery that you have qualified people guiding you along the way. Ultimately you will make your own decisions, but with the help of a good therapist the decision will be with full knowledge, and an understanding of the ramifications of making the wrong decision. It's not an easy journey. It's actually one of the hardest things that you will ever take on. Change is NOT easy. It can be done, but it's a full time job in itself. Take baby steps, work with someone that can guide you, and make small changes when and where you can. It's very easy to fall back into old ways, and this is where strength of mind is needed.
Hang in there, be tough when you need to, forgive yourself when you fall, and pick yourself back up and get going again.
sid you are so right. i had a really bad day yesterday. everything that could go wrong went wrong. in certain situations i found myself telling myself to leave,get out, get away and I did with no uncertainty. in others i took the bull by the horns and dealt with what i had to. was a day filled with panic and anxiety but i got through it. the tears were just ready to come out as i had had enough whe i saw my husband pulling in to pick mme up. vented on him for a little and was fine. didn't carry on for hours like i usually would have. vented and went on. feel much stronger this morning and slept 10 hours last night which is so much better that the 4 i ususally get.
That a girl!!!!! When you let go of things, and stop venting for hours and hours, your mind has a chance to calm down and be peaceful. It's tough to do all the time, and I still find myself doing it too at times. When I realize that I am doing it, I force myself to think of other things.
So glad that you got some sleep. Wondering if the Trazodone is finally kicking in? I was on it for about 12 yrs, just weaned myself off in April. It really helps with sleep issues. I came off of it, because I had gained about 40lbs in the last 10 yrs. (lost 20 so far) Going thru menopause too so between the two.....One of them had to go. Menopause wouldn't G**D***leave, so I got off the trazodone. LOL!!!!!!
hi sid, forgot to tell you that i had to stop the trazodone after 4 days. made me shake, up all night, agitated, stomach pains. hubby asked me if i was on speed. LOL called the dr. and he said to stop and i could take 3 ,5 mg of klonopin a day and prescribed bentyl for the esophageal spasms. so a couple of things have been straightened up. thank God. sid i need your help. had a therapy sesson today with hubby. at one point i felt like they were both ganging up on me. i know it wasn't intended and it might just be me but i was getting angry and said so. hubby persisted that i am obsessed with the hurt my job has inflicte don me and i told him that the other night we talked about it and i told him i harbor no resentment anymore , the damage is done and i just need to get well. my therapist keeps telling me i can't keep closing doors. i couldn't get through to her that the doors i have closed are those who have hurt me repeatedly. boss has called me nasty names and harrassed me for 10 years. i am not closing a door i am taking control of my life and have made the decision that i don't wish to work for this nasty man anymore. it doesn't mean i am running from it. i have told him and several co-workers over the years that i would not tolerate their harrassment or insults anymore. when you tell someone over and over and they continue is it so wrong to walk away and protect myself from further abuse? i told her i was getting angry with her because she wasn't listening. i understand that some people bring up the same feeling in me that my mother does and that they are not my mother but I have had enough of this badgering everyday and have chosen not to return to my job. isn't that my right? i still think by the end of the session she was telling me that i need to be more assertive in a good way but not to walk away. sometimes you have to. i have no probelm sticking up for myself in most situations but when you confront the person adn they continue you have to get fed up eventually. if not to me it is constant drama and confrontations. my whole life has been like that. i am tired, just plain old tired.do you understand what i am saying? am i missing something? i understand who i am and what needs to change but felt like she wanted it done TODAY! i tend to either hold things in forever or hold them in long enough and then have irrational anger. i am working on that now that i see it. it took me 52 years to get here and i don't think it is going away overnight or that anyone would expect it of me. please give me your turn on this. your opinion and guidance means alot to me.
ICC, sorry to hear that you had a stressful session. I liked that you told everyone that you were getting angry with them. I agree with you that you can't make that change tomorrow that it will be gradual. Do you think that your counselor understood this from you? I think that you will "stop walking away" when you are very strong and you just aren't there yet but you will be one day. I don't think that you could go back and face those people again until you are very strong and very healed.
WOW.... You have tons of faith in me.. Not sure that's a good thing or bad thing. Just joking.
Ok, first of all I can't give you any advice or tell you what to do. I HEAR what you are saying about about your boss, and co-workers. I understand why you felt that you had to walk away.
You don't have to answer ANY of these questions in this open forum, these are just questions for you to really think about. Kind of soul searching questions for ONLY YOU.........
QUESTIONS.... Did you inform your boss that his behavior, and the behavior of co workers was unacceptable, and unprofessional? How many times? Did you quit your job? If you quit, is it possible that $$ issues are bothering your hubby because of your income loss? Is it possible that your husband thinks that you have isolated yourself to the point that you have become too dependent on him? Have you become a "too caring person" to other people that you have become a doormat for some people to walk on? Do you really know how to be assertive, or do you use anger and close down? Have you become too isolated? Do you got out with friends?
The only things I can tell you is this..... You are right, it took you 52 yrs to get to this point, and it won't be fixed over night. Yes, I know the feeling of being tired. I too got to that point, and that's when I decided that my life wasn't working for me anymore, and I had to do something to change it. I did! But I still fall every once in awhile, and lose my step. Like with my daughter. It cost me big time with that one, and I am paying the price. Do you think that you can ever trust people again?
Ultimately ONLY YOU can decide what's right for you. But please before you make any decisions on ANYTHING in your life... STOP and think!!!! It's one of the things that I learned from my therapist.(sometimes I forget to think) Think about all of the ramifications to the decision that you are about to make. It will affect not only you, but those around you also.
I'm sorry that I couldn't help anymore than this. I do want you to know that I DO UNDERSTAND where you are coming from, but in the end it's your game.
sannah i do think she understood by the end of the session. i was just getting so annoyed at being told i was thinking one thing and i was telling her something else. talked to hubby when i got home and akse his opinion. he thought i was right on and explained myself sonderfully. he is a great cheerleader whn it comes to me taking control and stopping people in their tracks when they are overstepping their bounds. everyday i get stronger and osmedays i take a step back. this is the first ime in my life i don't feel like poor persecuted me. i will take responsibility for my part in my life BUT i will not take all the blame and i guess i felt she was constantly telling me that i was wrong and just ignore what you can. keep it coming sannah.
sid---- yes i have told these people more than once that thier behaviour was not exceptable. i even went to HR and reported my boss. that made my life a living hell for years.no i haven't quit i am out of work on WC with multiple injuries. i don't see at my age how i could possible return and neither does the ortho. that being said hubby was my main support in this decision to retire whn the WC thing is over. he was injured 4 years ago and i was by his side thorugh financial death, illness, depression and God only remembers what else. he doesn't owe me anything but he has been by my side since day one.actually hubby and both my daughters are sharing the "babysitting chores" i make sure wherever he wants to go ( to the bar with friends every sunday to watch football) that kind of stuff that he does it . most of the time it;s my idea. no i don't go out with friends because most of them have died over the past 2 years and the fact that i have worked, supported to families and raised 3 duaghters alone hasn't really left me much time for a social life or hobbies. so you see i have alot to learn at 52. a doormat? i used to be . that stopped years ago thank God.i am trying to adopt some of my husbands positiveness. he is so good at saying what's on his mind and forgetting it. i am so analytical that i'm starting to believe i am also obsessive. Oh Lord that's all i need is another problem. sid whatever you offer gives me something. please don't think i want you to be my counselor but sometimes another viewpoint sees something i have missed. i respect your opinions.
So glad that you popped in and helped out. That's what we all need here is help...... How are things with you???? I think that you are right about ICC. She isn't there yet, but I have a feeling that she is well on her way.
ICC
Ok, so I think that you have answered the questions I posed very well, and I think as I stated to Sannah, that you are well on your way. Just take it slow, one day at a time, one problem at a time. If things start to get overwhelming, then prioritize things by importance. Don't go at this with your guns blazing.. LOL!!!! The biggy is NOT confusing anger with assertiveness. Set boundaries and make sure that you are clear with them to everyone involved. Keep talking to hubby, daughters, therapist, and try to make new contacts with people outside of your family. Even if it's just 1 person. It's important that you get out of your comfort zone once in awhile.
No I don't think,,,,,,, that you think of me as a counselor. I do want to help, and I will offer advice on what I feel I can, but it's ONLY advice, and you can take it or leave it, we can agree to disagree, and still remain friends.
ptsd because of emotional abuse? 
LOL!!!! The biggy is NOT confusing anger with assertiveness. Set boundaries and make sure that you are clear with them to everyone involved. Keep talking to hubby, daughters, therapist,
and try to make new contacts with people outside of your family. Even if it's just 1 person. It's important that you get out of your comfort zone once in awhile.
