what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
I will start. maybe if we each let the others know what the biggest issue is we want/need help with it will get us started on our healing journey in the new year.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Dear ICC,
I need to get past the issue of pain, which is inhibiting me from venturing further psychologically.
Since this is an issue of a physical nature, I would say psychologically that "acceptance" is my nemesis; how do I accept the pain, which is chronic
and get past it so that I can heal mentally on every level possible.
I have had a past history of drug abuse and the meds that I am taking are controlled substances or substances that have been known to bring about the onset of addiction.
How do I "accept" this , for it goes way beyond mind over matter.
When I am a single parent who is "Putting on the Mask of Normalcy" for my daughter, family members and whomever else I may come across?
Yes my friend, it has to be ACCEPTANCE (and frustrational anger).
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
anne---I have no words of wisdom for you other than i believe when you can let go of the past you will also let go of the self-injury. I have known and loved many who were self-destructive and though I have never been physically harmful to myself I have been extrememly emotionally harmful. we'll talk somemore.
FTM----you are in a really tough situation as I don't have to tell you. I also live with chronic pain but I don't believe as severe as yours. Acceptance. But how do you accept this when life has slapped you another blow that is hindering you from healing mentally? I know there are therapist who deal only with chronic pain. Maybe we should start with the meds you need that you don't want to risk taking. Let me think a little. I have been through this with my husband after his back surgery. I won't forget you. let me get my head on it.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
trust and fear of rejection are my main downfalls, I have only one person in the whole world whom i trust 100% and that is one of my sisters. My main downfall though is i tend to push people away in fear of getting hurt and rejected agian, so i do unintentionally make people around me lifes terrible.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
tel----i think you need nurturing. thanks for responding. i thought it would be a good idea since we all have so many posts going for all of us to try to focus on one thing at a time. we'll all work together on each others issues.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Hi all--I think the point that I have come to is as many of you said letting go of the horrors of the past and my recent ghost of Christmas present that reignited those horrors and has caused a family member to shun me. I also have never forgiven myself for the disease of alcoholism and drug abuse that came about when I tried to kill those demons(but 22 years sober now). I am currently in mourning because of this recent loss, but with a lot of online help on the board and my good therapist and psychiatrist I will hopefully not have to deal with another Xmas like this last one. My prayers go to all of you as well. Thanks!
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Quote:
Originally Posted by ICC
tel----i think you need nurturing. thanks for esponding. i thought it would be a good idea since we all have so many posts going for all of us to try to focus on one thing at a time. we'll all work together on each others issues.
have a good night,
ICC
ICC you are a wonderful compassionate person, you are an absolute angel! You are always there to offer help and advise to others when you are going through hell yourself. Although i am and will always be eternally grateful for all the help and advise you have given me so far, I will be fine though, Im happy to try and offer support, advise, and help if possible to anyone willing to listen, at least that way i feel like im good for something, if that makes sense. thankyou so very very much xxxx
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
hope---1st i must say congratulations on 22 years of sobriety. being shunned by family members is second nature to me as my own mother has shunned me most of my life. we'll work on what you need together.
Tel----sometimes it is comforting and healing to help others though you are in need. that's what makes our family so incredibily helpful. we all have something to offer whether in need or able to offer. you never know what one might post that makes a lightbulb go off in you that you didn't even think pertained to you. keep it coming.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
thank you again ICC.
I do tend to bottle things up in real life,so im not a burden on anyone,I hate people pitying me or trying to help me in real life too. Same on here, im just happy to try help people,i hate to think of people suffering or hurt with no one to turn to.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Morning all,
HHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMM I would guess that my biggest problem would be .......Being called a liar. Yup that's the one, the biggest one. I will own anything that I have done, and take responsibility for all that I have done also. But when called a liar. I freak, I get depressed, I lash out, I become enraged, I cry, I go into sever depression, and my only way out it to try suicide. This is the one area in my life that I CAN'T seem to overcome....... Everything else seems like it was a piece of cake compared to this one.......
So if anyone can offer suggestions, I am ready willing and able to accept them.......
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Quote:
Originally Posted by telmadee
I will be fine though, Im happy to try and offer support, advise, and help if possible to anyone willing to listen
Now, now, now telmadee, have you ever considered that you won't allow yourself to meet your own needs and that maybe this is causing you a lot of your problems?
ICC, this is a wonderful post! I am going to summarize here so that I can put all of this neatly in my mind.
ICC - abandonment
FTM - pain management/acceptance/frustration/anger
innocense - self injury/letting go of the past
Sid - being called a liar
hope - self forgiveness/mourning a loss
telmadee - trust/fear of rejection
If I have left anyone out or I misquoted anyone let me know.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
thanks sannah---i know i needed things a little clearer in my mind. having so many issues i decided to take one at a time and thought it might help others to do the same. it is overwelming at times and I didn't want to get lost or lose anyone else.
Tel----though you may not want pity or to burden anyone you need to beleive in your heart that you are doing neither here. Let your guard down even if it's only here. Maybe then you can carry some of it into your life off the boards in time.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
FTM, I don't know anything about chronic pain and I can't say that I understand yours. Do you think that massage would help? On the famous 1 to 10 scale where is yours on most days? Is it a dull constant pain and where is it?
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Hi Sannah-----being abandoned has made me always feel not worthy. I have been so many times in my life left to my own means in some really troubled hurtful situations that I acquired a habit of being "STRONG". attitude has become "OK no one cares , or maybe it's just not important so I have to be strong and go on ALONE" It has made me stop asking for help or be able to except help when offered. family has called me the "rock". I have told so many people in my life that the "strong: one bleeds too. I have watched others all my life sniffle and have people run to their side with support and comfort while I have been left to hurt on my own with many more serious problems. I think it started when i got pregnant at 19 and my mother said "you made your bed now lay in it" Well I did. stayed with the abusive alcoholic for 22 years, raised my kids alone with nothing and finally went to work and supported everyone. since my re-marriage my husband has had 8 surgeries in 12 years so that put me in a position of being a robot. had to work since I was the only income at times and I carried the health insurance. I am so tired. God bless my husband because since my injury he has taken control. It is so new and different to me that so many times I have pushed his hand away. We have conquered that together. I have even had so-workers tell me "we know how you are but we love you anyway" what in God's holy name does that mean. when i asked one of them finally I got no answer. the last couple of months that i worked before I got hurt I started to tell people left and right not to ever tell me what to do or how to live my life as they had no clue. these people are the most dysfunctional I have ever met.Abandonment. since I was injured I have not heard from one person i worked with. i'm ok with it now but at first after a month or two I felt abandoned by people i worked with for 20 years. taught them, supervised them, took over when they couldn't go anymore. I was injured and forgotten all in the same breath. I think this post is more than abandonment, maybe you can see through it.
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
ICC, I never really felt abandoned even though I really should have but I am familiar with being the rock. I think that people become rocks because they won't allow anyone close enough to help them because they are afraid of getting hurt, so they keep everyone at a distance. Of course, because we know what it feels like to be miserable we don't want anyone else to feel this way so we are out to help others constantly. I know I did and maybe you did too - put yourself in this position and then wonder why you are here. I would never ask for help. Didn't trust anyone "I'll do it myself". I always had to take care of myself so I didn't need anyone else's help.
ICC, I sometimes feel that you keep me at a distance. I have wondered if it was because I am undependable, all flitting about, no committment because I have to be here and there. When you think about me do you feel like you can't trust me to not abandon you?
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Oh Sannah absolutely not. I don't find you to be undependable at all . just the opposite. I know you are not always on the boards but everyone has their own life as you do. but eventually we find each other again. I don't and never felt like i needed a keeper. learned at a very young age that it all in the end sits on yourself. In not letting others close enough to help us don't you think that came from being hurt so many times that it instills the fear of God in us? I can remember being in my teens and early 20's and feeling happy, strong and very competent in taking care of my needs. things went in the wrong direction after dating my 1st husband for 4 years, graduating high school at 17, getting my first FT job with the federal Gov. and realizing I was worth so much. problem was at this point i realized the ex was sick and an alcoholic and got pregnant. My Dad offered me his home to stay, not marry and raise my child. Gotta love him. My mother made me feel like a piece of crap( and told me to lay in the bed I made for myself) Abandonment. so my decision was to marry. I have no regrets as I would not have had my other two children so that's past history to me at this point. He left me to party the day my oldest was born and began a habit of disappearing for days shortly after we came home. Abandonment. How or why I stayed for 22 years is no longer a dilemna for me. No drunk was ever having visitation rights. When I left my youngest was 14 and old enough to choose. I opted to not receive any child support therefore he didn't fight me for any parental rights. When my middle daughter passed there were so many I thought were friends who disappeared. I do understand why but it hurt all the same. Abandonment. my mother disappeared. Abandonment. So you see I have a life long history of it. when i think of who I was at 17 I see a dynamite young woman with a good head on her shoulders. life's situations changed that thinking for me very quickly. Much as my mother hated my ex for almost 30 years she had the nerve 2 years ago thanksgiving to tell me her precious grandson ran into him in a bar of course and my mother told him it was good to hang out with him since he was a great man. OMG! how she always forgot what me and my kids went through but remembers all of what my sister's husband and kids did to her and sits and breaks bread with them on holidays. Maybe it's me sannah but having lost a child I don't see myself ever being in the company of my child's abusers.
thanks my friend for being here today. Alot is coming out. I'm sure you can here the anger.
Hugs,
ICC
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
Actually ICC, I did not sense any anger while I was reading your post. Are you focusing on my needs more than yours (you have to make sure that you do not "hurt" me with your anger). Let your anger out I will not take it personally!
Re: what is the most important thing each of you needs help with
sannah====you may not have sensed the anger but I felt it. for the first time in years I remember that teenage girl who was so happy and full of life. not afraid to step out on her own. I was very mature and felt secure in myself. I lost her for a long time. I am not angry with you at all. I have no reason to be and we all agreed that sometimes you have to say it like it is and I respect that and need it at times to center myself. sometimes i don't see what is right in front of me and it takes one of you to come along and give me a shake. You have said and done nothing to offend or anger me. we've been talking for too long for me not to know the kind of person you are and I have all the respect in the world for you and anticipate your posts as you are very insightful.
what is the most important thing each of you needs help with 
I don't and never felt like i needed a keeper. learned at a very young age that it all in the end sits on yourself. In not letting others close enough to help us don't you think that came from being hurt so many times that it instills the fear of God in us? I can remember being in my teens and early 20's and feeling happy, strong and very competent in taking care of my needs. things went in the wrong direction after dating my 1st husband for 4 years, graduating high school at 17, getting my first FT job with the federal Gov. and realizing I was worth so much. problem was at this point i realized the ex was sick and an alcoholic and got pregnant. My Dad offered me his home to stay, not marry and raise my child. Gotta love him. My mother made me feel like a piece of crap( and told me to lay in the bed I made for myself) Abandonment. so my decision was to marry. I have no regrets as I would not have had my other two children so that's past history to me at this point. He left me to party the day my oldest was born and began a habit of disappearing for days shortly after we came home. Abandonment. How or why I stayed for 22 years is no longer a dilemna for me. No drunk was ever having visitation rights. When I left my youngest was 14 and old enough to choose. I opted to not receive any child support therefore he didn't fight me for any parental rights. When my middle daughter passed there were so many I thought were friends who disappeared. I do understand why but it hurt all the same. Abandonment. my mother disappeared. Abandonment. So you see I have a life long history of it. when i think of who I was at 17 I see a dynamite young woman with a good head on her shoulders. life's situations changed that thinking for me very quickly. Much as my mother hated my ex for almost 30 years she had the nerve 2 years ago thanksgiving to tell me her precious grandson ran into him in a bar of course and my mother told him it was good to hang out with him since he was a great man. OMG! how she always forgot what me and my kids went through but remembers all of what my sister's husband and kids did to her and sits and breaks bread with them on holidays. Maybe it's me sannah but having lost a child I don't see myself ever being in the company of my child's abusers.
