Ok all let's talk about forgiveness. I am not titling this with my name just the issue as I'm sure there are some who have a problem with it also.
Forgiveness-------HOW? when you hold those accountable for their actions , choices to abuse, and the abuse in itself. I no longer have bad feelings towards these people and for that matter don't no if it's because i forgave them. I know I wanted to but truly have my doubts as to whether I have or not and if I haven't, issues pertaining to these people will at some point come back to bite me in the butt. So those that have please jump in and explain how you know if you have forgiven your abusers and if not how to get on with doing it.
Sid-----maybe this is what you meant about feeling indifferent. we talked about it way back when and I didn't think I had ever felt that way but think that might be it now. I don't care one way or the other about these people. wish them no harm BUT don't think about them or talk about them unless we are into something that pertains to it here.
I sm not into forgiving althoug I was told that it is one of the reasons I can't heel. My husband imagine that devil got into the soul of people who hurt him so he doesn't mad at them. I had a dream once that person who was terrible to me invited me for a cup of tea and we just have a normal talk which clear things out, I suspect may be it was my subconcious is trying to help me heel 'cause realisticly that person is a dumm scum who would never care what she done to somebody.
Ok so here is my story.... It took me years to forgive my brothers, my sisters, my mother, and my grandmother. Before I forgave them, the anger, frustration, hurt, emotional upheaval, and emotional roller coaster was ALL CONSUMING to me. It just about took over my daily thinking and the things that I would do. I was so angry.... I did things that I know I shouldn't have, my behavior was out of control. I did things that would hurt me, and thought that I was getting back at them with my behavior. The fights, the anger, god I look back through the years, my behavior, and what a waste of time.
Once I learned to forgive them all, a heavy burden was lifted. I wasn't angry anymore. I also became kinder with myself. I don't wish any of them anything bad. I truly wish that they all have a wonderful life filled with the peace that I have found.
Forgiveness for me, unleashed happiness and peace for me. I hope that all of you can learn how to forgive your abusers too, and learn to love yourselves. I love the person that I am today, even if I still have work to do on healing myself. That's all that I can ask for. Looking back it is so much more than I had........
I'm still confused about who I should forgive because I don't know who I haven't forgiven.
I've spent my life ignoring every disturbing issue, so focusing on troubling feelings isn't easy. I'm full of anger, but my recent efforts to work on my relationship with my parents has helped in that area.
I've never been angry at my abusers, not consciously. They were kids, too, so I may never be mad at them. In fact, I'm kind of thinking I'll never know exactly who to direct my anger toward, so I haven't even felt a need to forgive.
I need to give the forgiveness thing some thought.
Nikki---i totally understand as that's where i am. My ex husband I believe had PTSD BEFORE he went to Viet Nam. I did n't meet him until he came home and knew he had it them. When I met his family and he told me some of the things that went on in his house as a child I was appalled. Mother and Step-father were both crazy, abusive, negligent, horrible people. My mother I know nothing about her upbringing since she has very few memories except to always say her older brothers and sisters never taught her anything. To this day i'm not sure what she means. I believe she uses her lack of "being taught" as an excuse to do whatever she wants and say whatever she wants to everyone and then plays dumb when confronted. I am not the only one who has been on the other side of her mean, nasty personality. very self-centered. So knowing these 2 people are so very dysfunctional I don't know if i have forgiven them or not. I am very indifferent to both of them. No feelings at all. bad or good. I think I have just considered the sourse, written my letter and had a burning ritual with both and walked away. Since I am no longer angry at them I guess i either forgave or it's just not necessary. still a little confused on this issue as I don't want any of it to come back and bite my butt
....knowing these 2 people are so very dysfunctional I don't know if i have forgiven them or not. I am very indifferent to both of them. No feelings at all. bad or good. I think I have just considered the sourse, written my letter and had a burning ritual with both and walked away. Since I am no longer angry at them I guess i either forgave or it's just not necessary. still a little confused on this issue as I don't want any of it to come back and bite my butt
You did all you can do. You considered the source, wrote your letter, burned it and walked away. You're not angry, so you forgave them, or, like you said, the need for that disappeared.
You're in the clear. I don't think there will be any butt-biting.
thanks Nikki----that was my thought. since i have no feelings for them, no anger, sadness, fear, etc I thought the need for forgiveness is gone. Maybe i have. I wish them no harm but I don't want any contact with them either. I have always seen myself as a strong, intelligent, competent person with a somewhat dry sense of humor even in my teens. But I have spent so many years doubting who I was because of others opinions and abuse that I got lost. I really like myself now. Not to say that I am perfect by any stretch , but am confortable in my own skin now. I have only wanted to be excepted for who I am unconditionally without the offensive insults and comments. I will not stand for that now as I don't treat anyone like that. All my life if i wasn't too fond of someone I just didn't bother with them. But never would I try to change them or point out all of their faults. I have had alot of jealousy around me in my life in that some people couldn't understand my way of just being easy going. I remember walking into work for years with a big "GOOD MORNING EVERYONE" even though it was 5:00 a.m. and being either shunned or asked "what are you so happy about" I felt I had to work allday why be miserable. Had alot my personality shot right out from under me by alot of people hence the doubts. Now I like me and if someone doesn't they can keep it to themselves. I'm not interesting in what anyone thinks about me. I have to live within myself. Sounds to me like you are getting there also. Good feeling .
Once again...ICC is right. Staying away from people that upset you, harm you emotionally, or mentally is one of the parts in healing. Looking out for yourself. When I meet someone, if i get that kind of creepy feeling, or even a nagging thought......I STAY AWAY, I will not subject myself to that person. A woman that I have known casually for about 10 years, just died this week. She was only a couple of years older than me. She has grown kids, and one around 12 from a second marriage. I feel so bad for her young daughter. I would love to be able to help her in any way that I could...BUT.... Her husband gives me the CREEPS BIG TIME... To the point that I refuse to even SPEAK to him. He comes up to me, talks and I just ignore him, and walk away. I know it rude, but NO WAY will I let him near me. I am NOT afraid of him, I am NOT afraid of ANY ONE!!!!!! I just get this awful feeling and I just keep my distance.
Dear Sid----i have been told since my teens that I have a "good gut" when it comes to people. When I don't like someone immediately I know I never will. over the years freinds have asked me to give someone they liked but i ddidnt' the benefit of doubt. the few times I have it took about 3 months and then all knew what I had seem immediately. It amazes my husband at times because he likes everyone. there are people he introduced me to 10 years ago that I said there was something about them that I didn't like, gave me the creeps. He has finally seen it at some point sometimes sooner than later. I try to trust this part of myself always. It saves me alot of aggravation.
Red----I'm glad I can help. sometimes I find examples help people to see a point easier. I know they do me.
I have always had that "gut" feeling. I KNEW when things were going to happen(weather good or bad) I just get this like feeling that something bad is going to happen to someone I love. I even knew when one of my grandchildren was in the hospital almost 2 yrs ago. I just felt it... it was later confirmed to me, by someone who knows my daughter that it was true. It's the "gut" feeling about people that I really listen to. I even get a sense about all of you here.
It kind of freaks me out a little bit at times.....
My mom told me once that if someone gives me a bad vibe, stay away. That feeling doesn't come out of nowhere.
You're totally right, Sid. Even when you want to help, those toxic people should be avoided. Your progress is a help to others, and don't underestimate the power of your good example. That 12-year-old can come to you. You're very approachable. I'd pay you a visit if I was 12. I'd pay you a vist now.
I had to giggle when I read this.....You're very approachable. I'd pay you a visit if I was 12. I'd pay you a visit now. If you only knew!!!!!!! I really am not approachable... I walk around with a mean look on my face to keep people away. I am the one who approaches people that I want to be with, and then friendships are long lasting. I have many people in my life, but only a handful that I consider my friends.
People take my "baseball bat" attitude the wrong way. I am not a very soft person, I speak it the way that I see it, so many times people take it the wrong way. I mean no harm, but I just get my point across with the "bat."
I hate the POLITICAL CORRECTNESS that this country has come up with. It seems that we can't say anything to anyone for fear of reprisal, and or lawsuit. So if ANYONE on this board needs softness.....I am NOT the one to get it from at first. Yes, I can love, and be squishy as you know, but the person has to help themselves for me to get there. I dislike people who whine, and whine, and never do anything to help themselves. They are apparently happy being a victim, so why bother. That's just me......