cut to the core - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

ICC · 01-24-2007, 05:57 AM

good morning all-----just to let everyone know i am ok. i will probably lurk for awhile. don't know how long it will take but i am totally burnt out. Physically and mentally. I cancelled all appt. today including my therapist and am spending the day with hubby. watching movies, soaking in my bubbles. no contractors today and i am taking advantage of being calm and peaceful. I have read everyone's posts this morning and thank you all with all my heart for your support, guidance and love. I am strong and I will make it. FTM---you were right . I can't jump into anymore without some healing time and recovery physically and emotionallly under my belt. Need to deal with where I am right now to go on. Sannah was right . it is grief i feel. for so many reasons. right now it is the loss of my past self. in time I will become me again with the past in the past.

zencat and Sid-----your posts cut me to the core. I couldn't hold anymore as I cannot in my mind except how ANY adult can hurt children in the ways you have been hurt. that goes for you too nikki. Sid i understand your question about age as they were popular in our day though my family didn't use them thank God. I can't take the pain right now of what you have all gone through so I will lurk. At times they were used as punishment and at times to cleanse. hence being done after church on a sunday. a ritual. these people were so sick it is appalling that children were in their care. FTM I am with you . let someone debate it. children were destroyed and grew to be adults in constant pain because of this behaviour. just please know that I was cut to the core while reading that post and knew i couldn't go any further without a break and because of the nature of the "crimes" my mind shut down in total anger and sadness for these children so I am of no value to anyone right now. Just know that i care.

Love you all,
ICY

Sannah · 01-24-2007, 07:06 AM

Okay ICC, rest up, relax, get your thoughts/feelings in a more comfortable place. Will be thinking about you.

Love you,

Sannah

Phoenix · 01-24-2007, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICC

good morning all-----just to let everyone know i am ok. i will probably lurk for awhile. i am totally burnt out. Physically and mentally. I cancelled all appt. today including my therapist FTM---you were right . I can't jump into anymore without some healing time and recovery physically and emotionallly under my belt. Need to deal with where I am right now to go on. Sannah was right . it is grief i feel. for so many reasons. right now it is the loss of my past self. in time I will become me again with the past in the past.

I was cut to the core while reading that post and knew i couldn't go any further without a break and because of the nature of the "crimes" my mind shut down in total anger and sadness for these children so I am of no value to anyone right now. Just know that i care.

My dear ICY,

Alas,

Your body and mind caught up with each other, had a conversation and this is the result.

I hear the cancelling of appintment but I at least hope that you explained the reasoning behind it; you owe that to both of you.

I feel that you are beginning to see why I felt that "going deeper" (in my opinion) would have done more harm than good.

I respected the fact that you wanted to go further but was not prepared to honor your wishes; at least at this time.

The postings would effect anyone, as you see how it did me.

The billion dollar question: How can I keep going?

Answer:

The other day I was driving to my PT appointment and I had a sudden severe pain in my chest, that lasted about twenty minutes.

I began crying and spoke to both the God, His Son and the Holy Spirit.

I said "God, I'm going through so much right now on a physical and mental level. Please take me with you and if not, let me be an inspiration to others;letting them realize that they too can work through their adversity and find the strength.

Apparently, they are not ready for me up there yet.

He spared me for a reason; I have no choice but to take this in perspective.

Take care, ICY
God Bless, ICY

I love ICY, unconditionally
FTM

Ps- I will be here, if you need me, as all of us are.

ICC · 01-26-2007, 08:45 AM

My Dear FTM------ I have read your prayer every morning since "taking some time off" and it has been a Godsend to me. Getting stronger everyday. I come here everyday and read but can't respond to much yet. The stronger I get the more capable i'll be. I am almost through the grief of saying good bye to an old life and a little shaky with the new one. I'll be back soon. Please continue the everyday messages as they have meant the world to me.

Love,
ICY xo

Phoenix · 01-26-2007, 08:50 AM

Dear ICY,

You rest and feel better. I am not going anywhere................this time

Take care
God Bless

FTM