Denial is the reigning queen - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

hergy · 01-26-2007, 12:08 PM

I realized, as of late, that the progress I've been making is being made by one side of me, the thinking Nikki that has always taken care of business. The other side, my core of emotions, is still in denial. I can accept certain things, but NOT others. When I see others hurting for reasons similar to my own, I involuntarily shut down to protect myself. That's primarily due to my 'friends' in 1976, NOT 2007.

EVERYONE on this board deserves unconditional love, peace and acceptance. We didn't create our traumas, the traumas fell over us like a dark cloak. We weren't armed, we had no malice.

This board is a community of individuals in pain for varying reasons. No one here is traumatizing anyone else. I always hope that my posts don't hurt anyone because I know everyone here already hurts.

From childhood to adulthood, it's second nature to pretend I'm somewhere else when problems arise. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I don't have a malfunctioning memory, but that method of self-removal has wiped out a lot of my past. My body's always here, but my head often floats into some fairytale land, and I miss what's actually happening. When I recall an event, it's not usually pleasant. I freeze, get numb and fall into a depression. I isolate myself, hurt myself and wish for an escape.

The past few days, posting has been a struggle. My emotions have taken a vacation and I'm afraid my words appear empty and clinical.

Well, there it is. Nikki's shell has echoed some stuff. Just sharing.

Nikki

Sannah · 01-26-2007, 12:26 PM

Nikki, you are so able to figure out what is going on with yourself and express it! Most people really are not this good at it. It is incredible and a big asset to getting better. Remember that you function at two levels. One is an emotional level and one is an intellectual level. Your emotional level can still be back at a 4 yr old where your intellectual development can be in your 30's. I am sure that thinking about integrating with Hannah is what is making you feel numb right now.

You said that accepting what has happened to you will destroy who you are. I guess you are saying that it will destabilize the intellectual Nikki? I know that this is the path to getting better and I guess that sometimes it can get rough. But this is the correct path.

hergy · 01-26-2007, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Nikki, you are so able to figure out what is going on with yourself and express it!...Remember that you function at two levels. One is an emotional level and one is an intellectual level. Your emotional level can still be back at a 4 yr old where your intellectual development can be in your 30's. I am sure that thinking about integrating with Hannah is what is making you feel numb right now....this is the correct path.

Thanks, Sannah. I actually was afraid I wasn't making much sense. I can verbalize, but I do feel like a 4-year-old emotionally. In fact, in therapy, when I explain my emotions, I often hear myself using the words of a child. That's embarassing, but my therapist is insightful and understanding, so I'm actually the only one who's judging me.

With my adult mind, I know how devastating rape is on a kid. With my heart, I remember how it felt. I also feel those effects now. I mourn what I lost and I'm angered beyond description by the event. To me, my true self was slammed to the ground and destroyed. I don't ever remember having 'childlike wonder.' I guess I just pretended to be a kid.

Hugs and love,

Nikki

Sannah · 01-26-2007, 12:43 PM

Nikki, after I posted this last post I saw that you edited your first entry here. When you mentioned that you might be hurting others with your posts, on the other post when I told you that your description of your self during the rape sent me back to my own inner child and it whipped me. That was not a bad experience. It is okay for me to go back, it did not hurt me. Actually, I think things like this make you stronger because they are within you and when they get pulled out you can sort of deal with it a bit.

I can see how you would shut down to protect yourself. You can only take so much at a time.

ICC · 01-26-2007, 02:16 PM

Nikki---you are making perfect sense.

Love you,
ICC