Zencat..... - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board

stick2013 · 01-28-2007, 06:51 AM

HI Zen,

I am not even sure why I started this thread, or even what I will say, but I needed to connect with you....I suppose I should start off by saying, I do understand, and I hope that I can be of help to you.

I don't think that your mom intended to hurt you either, as I know that my grandmother wasn't out to hurt us. It's just something that was done back then. As awful as it sounds today, it was something that they felt HELPED....

I don't know how far you are in your healing process, but have you forgiven your mom???? That's a big one on the road to recovery. I know it sounds so NUTS to forgive the very ones that have hurt us, but we need to let go of the anger, in order to move forward. I also hope that you are in therapy, to deal with your issues. It's weird, you are trans gender, one of my brothers became a cross dresser, the other one is so mentally screwed up about sex, that I won't even go near him or have any contact with him.(both my brothers molested me) All 5 of us were mentally, emotionally, and phsycally scarred.

Keep posting if you feel that you can, and I will try and help. Sometimes it can hurt, and send us to a place that we don't want to be, but in the end it helps....

Hugs,

Sid

zencat · 01-29-2007, 07:13 PM

Oh yes Sid, I have completely forgiven my mom, I talk to her 2 or 3 times a week sometimes more, she lives 70 miles away and I visit her when I am well enough to go ( I have terrible panic attacks when I drive the highway ). She is 93 and I love her so much today.

Oh my yes, the gender issue has caused me so many problems with relationships of the opposite sex. So much confusion and shame about my trans gender identity, I could not connect on a deep level with women.

I am in therapy, 5 hr a week at the local county mental department.

Thank you for your concern Sid. For the past few days I have been working on my drug addiction issues, home work type stuff and I’ve been feeling well enough to do a few tasks where I live, cleaning, organizing and the like.

Sid , what is helping you there days? I know talking about our issues regarding past abuse helps but, what do you think overall is helping you? I know this is a big question, so maybe share just a little on one method you know.

As for today, I feel well enough mood wise and sufficiently stable mentally to truly work on healing.

hergy · 01-29-2007, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zencat

Oh my yes, the gender issue has caused me so many problems with relationships of the opposite sex. So much confusion and shame about my trans gender identity, I could not connect on a deep level with women.

I feel like I'm intruding on this thread, but I want you to know, Zencat, that you've got company in your relationship difficulties. I always thought I was a freak because I didn't feel like other girls.

My first sexual experience was with a group of males who did things to me that were very unwelcome. They stole something I can never regain. That was when I was 4. After that, I hated being a girl. I'd even pray that, if I was good, could I choose to be a boy, because girls were worthless to me.

At the same time, I had fantasies, as a child, of naked men wrapped in barbed wire and other hateful, angry feelings about men. I've NEVER connected emotionally with a man, not even my father. I'm attracted to men physically, but I don't want to be touched or have a romantic relationship with them.

Other than when I was 4, I've never had sex or a boyfriend. In fact, I've never had a romantic relationship at all. In several ways, I relate to the confusion and shame you feel. It sucks to feel like you don't belong.

Sorry again to intrude on the thread, but I just wanted you to know that there's somebody else out there who can't connect on a deep level with the opposite sex. I've felt this way for so long and felt like such a freak. Even when I pretend to feel normal, I can't fool myself.

You're an awesome guy and important the way you are. I'd have you over to dinner any day.

Love, hugs and best wishes,

Nikki

stick2013 · 01-30-2007, 04:18 AM

Dear Zencat,

I was happy to hear that you were in therapy, and trying to deal with your issues. That's the first step.

You asked what help me???? Well in a nut shell, I would have to say that changing my life. It involved a lot of work. To the point, that at times I wanted to just give up. But my therapist would always ask if my old ways of doing things were getting me anywhere? So the things that helped....... It involved.....Changing how I thought. Changing how I reacted to things. Changing my behavior. Changing my social settings. Changing my thoughts about me.

I too dealt with drinking and doing pot. I think that most people with PTSD have some kind of addiction that they deal with. I think it's all about self medicating to avoid dealing with the issues at hand. I quit both. That was easy compared to the rest........

I also went through the anxiety. I also had agoraphobia for a period of about 3 months. I remember telling myself as I CRAWLED BACKWARDS down my stairs to get out, "These are abnormal feelings, it's OK." Took 3 months to over come that!!!!! In regards to anxiety....Face your fear, embrace it, and DO whatever it is that you are afraid of. It's JUST an emotion from a previous trauma, and it can't kill you. It's ok.. So just try to face it a little at a time, and you can overcome it......

Ok, I guess that's enough to start with.......Please be ok....Hang in there!!!!!

Red...................I don't think that you were intruding.....and I don't think that Zencat feels that way either...

Hugs to all,

Sid

ICC · 01-30-2007, 05:24 AM

"insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results". I hope this statement helps someone. it did me. Change! yourself, your behaviours, your thoughts. no one else. just you, for all of you are who are important.

Hugs,
ICC